Platitude Paradise

I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year. I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes.  The house is decorated. The shopping is nearing an end. My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care.  I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual. I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch. I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel that much excitement this year.  I'm just numb. Work isn't helping. It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do.  It wears me out... not having any purpose.  Drains my spirit. It's likely past time for me to move on... I just...

That's how it sounds in my head tonight. All the thoughts in my head vying for an audience. My ears are literally ringing right now with the sussurus that is going on in there. All of it is negative. Every thought and even the half thoughts - all negative. And mean, too. I should've gone to parent teacher for Stretch tonight. I can easily supply a half dozen reasons why I didn't go, but all that matters is that I didn't. I should've. It's been a challenging time for me of late. My downward trend continues and Mental Health is not falling over itself to bail me out, either. Still no word on a referral back to my psychiatrist. One who has already treated me... one who likely would only need to talk to me on the phone for fifteen minutes and could solve my problem... but it's been three weeks already and still no word. I'm struggling. My energy is zapped. My libido is unconscious. I know this is a chemical thing. I know it can be fixed... ...

Yesterday was my birthday... my forty-seventh birthday. I find myself so depressed today, I just want to sit here and sob. What the hell is the big deal, anyway? Why do I feel this way?  Is it because birthdays are a marker? A measuring stick that we stand up against our lives so we can judge where we are vs. where we should be? If I was to give the birthday pep-talk to someone I cared about, I would say something like: "Birthdays are a celebration of the day that you came into existence and should be filled with all the love everyone has for you." Either I don't care about myself, or I don't buy my own bullshit, because birthdays blow once you reach a certain age... like maybe sixteen. I think sixteen was the last of my happy birthdays. My birthday blew... and sucked.  My husband was away, but he texted me a rousing "Happy dirty day, hun"... which was a spell-check gone wrong. My mother and two sisters texted me happy birt...

My dreams are being haunted. Every night, I have a visit from my stepfather... then my ex... the one who's name is never spoken.  That one. These dreams are so life like... I have to remind myself they didn't really happen. It's actually jarring. These are not happy dreams. They are too realistic to be happy. I feel like I am being asked to do battle with these ghosts. Like I have to prove something to them. ...and I got nuthin'. I'm stuck in the molasses of my life like a fly in amber. This 'condition' of mine has worsened this year. I had no 'up' at all during this past Summer.  None.  Yet, I am dipping.  I'm moody. I'm angry. Ragey driving is rearing its ugly head. I came home from work this afternoon, mad before I walked in the door, where I was met with a messy house; Dishwasher full of clean dishes. Two loads of laundry to be folded. Counter and both sinks full of dirty dishes. I had to deal wi...

It's title is "Numb". I'm hoping it will just stay unpublished like so many other aimless posts. Yes, you read that right: There are some posts too inane for even me to put up here. As an update to my current sitch, let me get to the facts in point form: I survived my Annual Golf Tournament without getting drugged. Yay me! The Summer never provided my manic swing... boo. Kept me in line, though. Fall is kicking my ass. The kids are good. Thank you, Universe. My dog is sick and I am scared out of my mind. My current job is nearing an end. It's time for me to get a grown up job now. A recruitment firm contacted me last night about my resume... which I posted on a job-site this week. It's for an unposted job with a government funded Board of Directors. It would pay nearly double what I am currently making, and would provide things like benefits and pension. I am holding my breath to see if I get an interview. It's a 'personality...

I feel like my dial is set to 'Turbo-Bitch' this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm not acting out or anything... well not much, anyway. It's like wearing your birthday suit inside out. That's the best way I can think to describe it. All the tender little bits of me are exposed and raw. The outside world is like a shower of splinters in my eyes. EVERYTHING grates my nerves. My boss. My kids. Traffic. My spouse. Breathing.  It all annoys the living shit outta me right now. There are things about which, I should be worried... don't get me wrong. Heating season looms. Our Trustees are displeased with us and all up in our jiggies at present. They want more money every month... we don't have it... the saga continues. I am holding my breath... The 'internal revenue' department has set its sights upon us for random 'fuck you' tactics. Unemployment filings from four years ago... GST over payments from three years ago...

If I was a brave heart, I would send you this message. Yes , what you pulled the other night at our event was a dick move. Yes , my feelings are hurt... and yes , it seemed awfully god damned pointed, in the moment. So much so, that our treasurer... a guy that doesn't do feelings - said something to you about it. I know I said it didn't bother me... but it did. It does.  Please don't misunderstand. I am grateful I instead, spent a romantic evening with my husband by the water, rather than patronizing some dive in downtown red-neck-fisher-town, with you and your groupies.  No... my night was much nicer... and it ended in wild-ass hotel sex. So... no contest. It's just the way you ditched me. In a bitch-snit about nothing... and your excuse was, I didn't answer your text... on the phone that I had left in my room... to go downtown with you in the first place!  I found myself later wondering if perhaps I had been getting attention you deem...

Been a while since I last posted.  It's been a rather busy time, what with my husband's niece, brother, sister-in-law and sister all landing at our place within a three week span. I'm quite tired, but I rescind my original objection to the company staying with us. All in all, it was a very positive experience.  My children made me proud. I suspect I made my husband proud. I was the 'hostess with the mostest' during their visits. My brother-in-law pulled me aside and told me I had "a beautiful home"... to which I started to make some self depricating comment... and he said: "I'm not talking about the wood! I'm talking about the home you have built... there is so much love here".  I could cry just typing that. My kids were amazing.  They stayed around and interacted with everyone. They were funny. They demonstrated their free-thinking opinions and spoke intelligently. They showed off their individual art...

Summer is coming on very slowly for me, in more ways than one, this year. The weather has been less than seasonal so far. I mean, it's the last day of June and I am puttering around my house in a sweatshirt and long pants. It really isn't acting like Summer. My mood is having the same un-seasonality. Yes, that is my very own term. Un-seasonality; n . Behaving in an abnormal fashion based on time of year. See: Bi-polar swing. I'm starting to understand the dramatic references made in the media about people with this disorder railing against their meds. They are helpful to me to counteract the lows... and I can get a whole lot worse than I've been, without them... but when the up-swing fails to arrive on schedule... you really have to weigh the pros and cons of medicating.  I should be just about at the top of my roller coaster right about now... full of energy and projects and badness... and I got nuthin'. I could easily lie down right now and go to ...

This has been a toughy of a week. I did not go to work this morning because I could barely lift my head off my pillow, it hurt that bad. It was everything I had not to cut it off myself just to stop the pain. I'm assuming my head is the result of a highly stressful week with my eldest child... who is to no longer be referred to as female... or male. "They" are/is (fucked if I know) non-binary. Also, I am not to refer to "them" as previously being female, either. This was the bomb dropped upon my arrival home on Tuesday afternoon. I said every possible wrong thing you can imagine. Or at least a whole bunch of wrong things... but at first I just kept my mouth shut. Apparently my body language was saying something of offense prior to my verbally confirming it. The other one chimed in upon one of my first "wrong things" said... and my response to her was: "I don't recall asking for your opinion". That sent her storming o...

So... on the up side, there is no clot, blockage or tumor in my brain. That's a relief. The down side of this news is that I still have a wicked headache... and the reason for it remains a mystery.  I don't really know what comes next. I don't want to be taking more pills... I'm pilled out. Acupuncture, chiropractic, massage... diet. I really have no idea where to go, now. I'm worried my weekend is going to be ruined by this god-forsaken thing! We are going away on Saturday and I'm gonna be pissed if my head gets in the way of my night. We have an evening cruise planned and a nice dinner... and then there's having no kids around... barm-chicka barm-barm. I've taken Friday off to get the house stuff done and groceries in the house. I'm looking forward to the long weekend. My job has been somewhat on the stale side of late. On that note, I applied for the job. I really have no idea if I'll even get a read, but I would b...

It's an enemy of happiness for me. I'm stagnant. Stuck. Moldy. Today, I decided to dust off my resume... there is a job... I think I am qualified to do this job. It would be a very good move for me... it's part time... and it's an Executive Director position. I find I'm reluctant to change anything right now as I feel too stupid to do anything at all at present, but maybe that very reluctance is what is holding me back. Maybe that is the problem I should be tackling. Today is the first day that my head hasn't been bringing me to my knees. I don't know how long it will last, but I feel as though I must make hay while the sun shines, so to speak. I frustrate the hell out of myself. I'm the fucking poster child of wasted potential. I'm smart, but uneducated. Talented, but unmotivated. I can sing, but don't. I can write, but I don't. I'm a talented teacher, but don't teach. Have a mind fo...

Say it without a space. If you haven't gotten it yet, we can no longer be friends. Christ, I am depressing. This (or these) headache(s) is (are) depressing the life out of me. I don't have a clue what is causing this to be happening. The pain moves. The headache changes from time to time. It's like cluster headaches on steroids, with tension neck and raging sore eyeballs.  I'm exhausted all the time. I do not know how people with chronic pain can do it long term... I guess because they have to. I'm hoping that isn't my fate. It's time to figure this out though - last week was the most brutal yet... and today, I was down the whole damn day! It's like 7:00 and I'm only just able to withstand the screen of a laptop.  I thought it would be good for my mental health to write... even if it's Bahblahblah... get it now? My sweet, and very kind hubby worked on his projects all day and then made dinner while I laid either in bed or on...

I'm not certain how the rest of the world's population interprets its surroundings from day to day...  I can speak only for myself. It seems, by times at least, that things can easily feel a little on the grey and dingy side. Like the light has somehow drained from my existence... or the music track has become a somber drone. It's in these moments that I have to work hard to discern the positives in my tiny sphere. The news is terrifying, traffic is awful, people just tend to suck all the way around. My thoughts land in worst case scenario with all possibilities and the future seems like it will never come... but it's always coming, isn't it?  It's coming... and going... and all the while, I'm wishing it away like a flu or a cold. Biding my time until the depression lifts and the manic takes over... waiting for the shift. Waiting. But time doesn't wait with me. Time marches right on past... and when I look up and see my precious ...

Boy! It has been a week at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm bored outta my silly little mind, but there has been some shit splatter from the proverbial fan all up in here! So... yesterday, I had to go an get my CT Scan done for 7:10 am. I had to be there at 6:40 am, so I was up at 5:00. That allowed me to get the scan, return home, make lunch for myself and my two children and then head into work - and still make it on time. I pulled into my usual parking space (as I am a creature of habit) and proceeded to gather my stuff to take into work. When I went to unplug my phone, I noticed several messages from my boss - who is out West this week with our President at a series of meetings.  I immediately called her. She was in a tizzy, for sure and by the time she spat out the whole story, it would seem our President got himself drunk when he landed and stayed that way for the ensuing two days, culminating in him knocking boots with the Executive Director of another ...

And wake up in February? My GAWD the weather is sucky for end of May. We should be enjoying endless days of warm, dry wonderful instead of what feels like borderline snow weather. Gah! I need some sun!  We got one good day this past weekend. Saturday was a beauty! 20 degrees, full sun, light breeze - it was magnificent! I worked on laundry most of the day, but managed to spend the bulk of the day outside. Good thing, too because it clouded over Sunday and now is supposed to rain for the first half of the week at least... and with the heavy atmosphere, comes my head's worst nightmare. I spent most of the day yesterday in bed or on the couch in so much pain I could hardly move. The headache worsens by quite a lot when the barometric pressure is low. I wish like hell this thing would fuck off already! Tomorrow I get my CT Scan. I have to be there at 6:40 am! I'm nervous about that. I'm truly afraid they are going to find something... but then I am als...

I can't think of a zippy topic, either... Here is a very good example of me wanting to write... crying out for inspiration and... nuthin'. I got nuthin'. Tonight, I attempted a penag curry.  It did not go over well. ... not even with my girl of adventerous tastes. We are not a family that cares for big spice. Garlic and onion are my favorite spices. I'm simple that way. Glad Hubs wasn't home... he would not have cared for it. He'd have eaten it, but would not have enjoyed it. He'd eat shit on a stick, if I cooked it for him... but that doesn't mean he always loves everything. Not my kids, though... nope.  Neither of them ate anything but the spring rolls I served with it. My oldest ate a friggen grilled cheese for supper last night, for crying out loud! Drives me batty! I wrote a big post abut my daughter today, but I think I will leave it unpublished. I feel like I would be betraying her confidence, otherwise. ...

I detest feeling the way I do currently. My head is killing me softly (with its song). The depressive part of my cycle is waning, but much like a menstrual cycle that will not end, I'm left dealing with the stinky, slimy remnants of my uterus... er, brain... except I can't sop this shit up in a feminine hygiene product and throw it away. This, I gotta deal with. My discovery of an unsettling reality yesterday sent me home in a fit of tears. I held them as best I could while still within the walls of my workplace, but once I hit the sanctity of my car, it was no holds barred. There was practically snot flying on my drive home. Upon my arrival, my eldest child also came home... from an equally unpleasant day... and being the self-involved little shit that most teenagers are, she let fly on me. It was rough. I had pain in my head that was searing my grey matter and here she is standing in front of me, absolutely losing her shit about her stupid math teacher and hi...

Caution... this post may contain curse words... or, it may not. I can't decide which path I'm about to follow here. Deep breath... I just did the last of my income/expense statements from my bankruptcy. A task, I'll add, that we did not know we had to do until I discovered it by accident about six months ago. I only just figured out what it is they do with the information - hence my current reaction. Apparently your trustee doesn't have to tell you this information up front... only means they can keep you paying longer - which ensures the maximum return for them. There is a plug of vomit lodged in my throat. Based on my calculations, we are going to get a bill for over $12K for our first two years of the filing. To put that in terms you'll understand, we need to pay $1000(+) per month just to catch up, and another $1300.00 a month so we don't slip behind this year... and if we can't pay that (which we can not...) we stay in bankruptcy un...

Holy crap, I am so bored! I like my job, I do.  My boss is pretty cool. Not a whole lot of responsibility. No real stress. The Board... well they are "The Board", but no real challenge there. I'm just so shamefully under-employed. I know that I have been in a place where under-employment had advantages, but lately I find I am longing for so much more from my daily activity. Home is boring, too... and I'm supposed to covet boredom after all the 'excitement' of previous years... I just feel as though I need... more. I want to do something. Maybe something great, or at the very least, something cool. I want to write a goddamned book... but that seems like trying to go out and climb Everest to me just now. I want to have the courage to swallow my stupid, silly pride and write about the bankruptcy process and how unbelievably unprofessional the 'professionals' actually are... about losing a house... about how easily this ca...

How does one gauge where they fall in the 'decent human' spectrum? I mean I'm not a 'good' person, but I think I could pull off 'okay' person most days. I'm 'nice...ish'... well, I have pretty language. I don't wantonly hurt people, though I do still hurt them now and then... even though I really really really never mean to. I don't go out of my way to grow the greater good, either. I mean I have gotten involved in charitable activities, but it isn't habitual. Even though it makes me feel wonderful... I just won't put myself out there. It's like I'm shy or something... and I know I could fake that if I needed to. I simply do not. I usually come through for my people when they need me... although I'm rapidly running out of people. I'm currently typing this whilst balancing a cat on my right arm... you know as to not disturb his personage... 'cause I'm that girl. Seriously... how do I know if I...

This is the conversation I was having with myself while driving home from the doctor last night: Me: I'm finally getting the cat scan for my headaches! Also me: Now you'll find out you have a tumor or a sack of worms living in your brain. Me: You're spinning out, stupid. Reign it in. You don't have a brain tumor. Also me: Jesus! Please don't make me have that conversation with my kids... oh my GOD! Me: Okay, dumbass... you need to breathe. You're going to make your silly brain explode... and we're driving here. You don't need to tell your kids about an imaginary tumor. Okay? Also me: What am I going to feed my people tonight... how are they ever going to eat if I'm gone?  Me: Why are you like this? Also me: *twirling panties over head*  Inexplicably, my thoughts drifted off to the upcoming grocery list, the fact that I hadn't shaved under my arms before going to my doc, so I didn't show her the rash that h...