Bob Loblaw

Say it without a space.

If you haven't gotten it yet, we can no longer be friends.

Christ, I am depressing.

This (or these) headache(s) is (are) depressing the life out of me.

I don't have a clue what is causing this to be happening. The pain moves. The headache changes from time to time. It's like cluster headaches on steroids, with tension neck and raging sore eyeballs. 

I'm exhausted all the time. I do not know how people with chronic pain can do it long term... I guess because they have to. I'm hoping that isn't my fate. It's time to figure this out though - last week was the most brutal yet... and today, I was down the whole damn day! It's like 7:00 and I'm only just able to withstand the screen of a laptop. 

I thought it would be good for my mental health to write... even if it's Bahblahblah... get it now?

My sweet, and very kind hubby worked on his projects all day and then made dinner while I laid either in bed or on the coach in the rec-room. (I was lonely) No TV. No music. As little light as possible. The pain has been getting worse this past week... and when it rains heavily, like it is today, the pain is like a hot poker in the eye, through the back of my head, on a downward angle.

I'm ridiculously depressed. 

I need to make changes to my diet and routine to see if it affects the pain. I need to figure this out, but my ability to get out of my own way seems to be a.w.o.l. I'm lucky to get clean and dressed when I am like this. My god, I only just brushed my teeth for the first time after dinner - and I'm sitting in the jammy pants I put on getting out of bed.

That isn't me... even on a day when I don't get cleaned up until late because I'm working on something sweaty or messy - I always brush my teeth. Obsessively, in fact. 

I've done nothing today, save tidy up after our meal, as hubs had to go to work. Not one thing.

I need something to be excited about. I mean, I'm looking forward to our night away this coming weekend, but I'm so worried about this damned head of mine fucking things up. I need a happy distraction. So much so, I even entered a piece of writing in a contest. I got a response from them yesterday... so I know someone will read it, at least. I figured I'd be part of a sea of submissions, but they did email me... so that's cool. It would be amazing to get positive feed back from someone on a piece of my writing. I crave that.

It could even push me out of this nightmare of a head space. That would be beyond amazing!

I think I will draw a bath and have a soak. The heat will sometimes aggravate the headache... sometimes not. The bath will at least relax my neck... fuck I am tired of all this pain!

Yesterday was the closest thing to reprieve that I've had in well over a week. I got a shit-ton done and spent a little time outside. We even got to have a fire outside last night... and have sex and everything! 

Yes, this bastard is even affecting our sex life now. It has to go! Up until a couple of weeks ago, I refused to allow it to mess with our rhythm... but I don't get to refuse anymore... this bastard puts me down for the count. 

It sucks so bad!

I guess I'm pushing my luck with the computer... I must go soak my pain-riddled head. 

Depressing D-Out