Stagnance

It's an enemy of happiness for me.

I'm stagnant.

Stuck.

Moldy.

Today, I decided to dust off my resume... there is a job...

I think I am qualified to do this job.

It would be a very good move for me... it's part time... and it's an Executive Director position.

I find I'm reluctant to change anything right now as I feel too stupid to do anything at all at present, but maybe that very reluctance is what is holding me back. Maybe that is the problem I should be tackling.

Today is the first day that my head hasn't been bringing me to my knees. I don't know how long it will last, but I feel as though I must make hay while the sun shines, so to speak.

I frustrate the hell out of myself. I'm the fucking poster child of wasted potential.

I'm smart, but uneducated.

Talented, but unmotivated.

I can sing, but don't.

I can write, but I don't.

I'm a talented teacher, but don't teach.

Have a mind for numbers, but don't use it.

Have the acumen for business, but it sits stale.

Have an eye for design, yet do nothing with it.

There is so much to me that I don't use. Don't exploit. 

It comes down to self confidence... I don't seem to have it.

My husband sees my potential. 

He sees the beauty in me, the talent. 

He calls me his 'dremel' due to my multi-talented countenance.

I super love him for that.

At least I picked my mate well.

That's not nuthin'.

So... I have updated my resume and I plan to send it off to this job. 

It may very well be that not one thing comes from it, but I think maybe it is time for me to start trying again. I have just put my hands up in the past few years and let life wash over me - without regard for my future... the future of my family... my girls. It feels as though that was the best I could do.

But it's time for things to change.

I have university to pay for... it's time for me to pull my head outta my ass.

There is a very real possibility we will need to move after the next school year to accommodate my youngest in her academic journey. We need to be ready for that. 

The answers are back from the trustee... it ain't pretty, but at least we know. At least we can plan.

It's far past time to take a big step forward. 

We need it. 

It's time.