Monday, November 12, 2012

I Got New Kitties

Kijiji cats, as my close girlfriend calls my fur babies. For those of you who are unaware, Kijiji is a buy and sell site ... like Craigslist.

My kitties are boyz. Bad. Kitty. Boyz.

Moe 


My kitties open cupboard doors and jump from shelf to shelf in search of the bag of kitty treats. Once the shelf is located, one bumps the bag onto the floor - while the other waits below to whisk it away to the nearest un-peopled closet ... where they meet up and obliterate the bag. I kid you not. I am CONSTANTLY finding shredded (empty) treat bags all over my house. 

Diesel & Woody


Baaad kitties.

Deez ... yes, he knocked it down first


They are my favorite kind.

For anybody keeping count, I am up to four cats, a fish and a dog. Well ... I was. See, back when my mother moved from my house back into her in-law suite, her cat decided she'd really rather stay here. Suited her fancy better. Mom tried repeatedly to convince Tomato to come back ... to no avail. She had chosen our house, our food, our litter box and Hubs was her new person.

Fast forward to the entry of the new kitties, Diesel and Moe. We had introduced Tomato to Woody two years ago. That was rocky at the beginning, but they worked it out - even became buddies after a time. It was a nice balance. Then, kitty-momma got all stupid in the head and thought it would be fun to add two more mouths to feed to the mix. Tomato is done with me.

Seriously, the cat has moved out. We are dead to her. She will come and sit at my door, meowing her head off ... and when we go to let her in, she turns her tail and waltzes over to Mom's door. SO WE CAN LET HER IN THERE!!! Can you believe this cat?


Tomato 




This is her majesty... and essentially how she feels about the hooligan cats that have invaded her old home. {This was actually the extent of damage we suffered from "Super-storm Sandy" (thank heaven). She blew our witch down.}

My boyfriend, Deez. 


Now that you are familiar with the new members of the family, let the funny bad-boy-kitty stories commence.

Hee.



Sheldor is Back On Line

Have I mentioned my abject love for the show "The Big Bang Theory"? Oh ... yeah I likely have. 

So ... I have been AFK (away from keyboard) for the past several months. I took my blog down - namely because I was afraid that my ex-boss had infiltrated my page. My concern over this was (surprisingly) about his feelings, rather than my own skin. I know that if he read some of the things I had posted, it would hurt him. I have re-opened it... I will note that there are a number of exclusions to previous posts. You'll have to wait for the book to read those again.

During the process of 'censoring'  my own work, I have realized a couple of things: I am the most funny when I am the most negative. There is a great deal of 'negative-funny' in my pages. I am afraid that if I ever manage to unlock my positive, I might lose an integral part of my personality. 

This is a risk I need to take, though. I need to grow as a person. The time is now.

I am feeling pretty creative these days. Hubs and I are building a doll house for Shorty. I am in furniture design mode (though I have ordered much of the furniture from ebay). I want to decorate a mega-girly bedroom suite for her barbies. Fluffy bed, feathers, gorgeous window coverings ... PINK fur bedspread. It is going to be gorgeous! We have the materials for the structure of the house, itself and I am going to measure and draw out the cuts tomorrow - when the little darlings are at school. It isn't complicated to put together once the cuts are made. Really, it's only the windows and doors that will present a major challenge. I plan to snap some pics as we go. It is going to measure 4 feet high, by three wide. It's BIG. She is going to pee her pants.

We are also working on an art desk for Stretch. She's not the doll type. I'm going to ensure there are lots of cubbies and loads of stuff under the tree to put into them. I will have pics of this as well. A lot to do, but I have the time. This Christmas will be about the really special things we can create for each other.

I have been collecting stuff of the kids' since they were born. My plan was to make scrap books (complete with photos) for the girls for gifts this year, but I think what I may do instead is compile all the 'stuff' in two separate packages - with all the supplies needed to make one ... and then put them together WITH the girls over the Christmas break. I will be home, they will be home and it will be even more special that way, I think.

I would NEVER have considered this before I left my job. My head was far too cluttered with toxic waste to be patient enough to not only DO something like this, but actually enjoy it, too. This is good.

My plan is to write again. I have been hatching a few stories. It is so good for me to have this stuff to look back on. Really it is. I miss the purge that happens when I write. I think I have passed a milestone finally and I believe I am ready to get on with my life.

I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one.

So toodles for now ... I hope to be chatting more soon.

DD - out

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Summer of Dani!

You know, I may have said this before ... but THIS year, I truly mean it. In all its glory and ugliness.

Some of you may already know that I was able to exit my somewhat unhealthy employment situation this past March. (Assuming anyone still actually READS my page - as I have been checked out for quite some time.) Either way, I am OUT! This is a good thing. Just because it is a good thing doesn't necessarily mean that it is supposed to feel good all of the time. (As I am learning in high fidelity surround sound, high definition, living color - first hand just now.) I have experienced emotions ranging from euphoria to abject terror - and really everything in between. I seem to drift in and out of depressive states, but over all, I am So.Much.Better. 

Stretch has spun completely around with the introduction of Mommy 2.0 (The Home Edition), rather than having to pick over whatever is left once the corporate world is done with Ol' Cranky Pants Mummer. It is truly phenomenal - the difference in my household. I have never been a person that felt it was necessary to have a parent home with the kids before ... and perhaps it isn't for everyone - but MY kids seem to be flourishing like a field of barley covered in fresh shit! (I would be the shit, of course) Perhaps it is just the novelty, but I am into my fourth month now and they continue to thrive. The oldest, in particular has embraced this new situation as though it was an extra hour of video game time. She likes structure, that one and me being here all the time provides this to her.

In addition, my overall take on the world is very much amended. I'm afraid for the future ... I am in receipt of Employment Insurance (aka: EI-EI-O) and once you take out the expenses I had with working, we really aren't down by much in income ... but it only lasts so long. I am realizing just ow important my presence is to them and now I feel like I need to find a way to work around their schedules. 

With that thought firmly in mind, I signed on as a consultant for a company called Arbonne. It is a network marketing set up (and therefore carries a SERIOUSLY negative connotation) but the products themselves are pretty remarkable. It is a natural - no harmful chemical beauty/health and baby line. I really do like the products. It's the business that is causing me grief. Something like this could allow me to still work and earn, but also be available for my children - around their schedules and needs. The problem I am facing is that I CAN NOT get past the thoughts that I (myself) put into (or more to the point - ONTO) other people. So I sound like a moron when asking people I know to possibly take two hours of their time and get treated to a facial or whatever. I keep building myself up and then tearing myself down. I do this in all areas of my life these days. It's uncomfortable much of the time. I am not overly fond of many of the things I am learning about myself. I just keep reminding myself that I am on an important journey and as long as I follow my gut and my heart, it will be okay. Better than okay, I say.

My weight loss has pretty well stopped at 126 lbs. Not really anything to complain about there. I'd really like to drop another 20 - 25 lbs, but it won't disturb me much if I don't. I am so much more healthy and active ... the girls certainly enjoy the new and improved Mommy - as does Hubs (incidentally, it would appear that the removal of full time work from my life creates a sex-crazed nymphomaniac type response ... so the Mommy 2.0 has been well received by him). Mind you, Hubs no longer has to even think about household stuff - as I have it done and settled before it ever crosses his mind - so that is good for him as well. We spend every day in the same house, but I am so busy with house work, the myriad projects that are in some state of "started-but-not-finished-ness", our furry and scaled menagerie and the girls, of course, that Hubs and I hardly even see each other - so we haven't experienced any growing pains that way. Really, other than the fact that we are broke (which we have been for so long I don't really remember anything different) it is all good. It feels like it is the way it should be. 

Nobody is more surprised by that realization than me. I NEVER would have thought I'd want to be home full time with my kids. Mind you, the Summer is only a week in ... my tune may very well change in a mad hurry. I can't stay at home, but I am going to try to figure out an income earning activity that will allow me to devote more of my energy and time to my family. They really do respond in amazing ways to my undivided attention. It makes me feel awesome and awful all at the same time. Awesome because I've had this blessed opportunity to find it, and awful because it took such a long time.

Hmm ... I can hear my little blessings upstairs fighting like two derranged wild cats. (sigh) I should go and deal with this disturbance in my otherwise blissful existence. I am making a commitment with myself to write more often. It is so helpful to me to get this stuff out of my head.

So ... if anyone is still out there in the blogisphere, here's a shout out! I hope to stop by and visit my faves in the next few days. 

Take care!

Dani - out


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Chronicles of Narcissus: A Circle Has No End ...

Or does it?

Okay ... okay - I have not written in an awful long time. So.Much.Has.Happened. It is a daunting task even to organize what I want to say. Here goes ...

February 
- a phone call comes to the house informing my husband that we are being investigated by the Department of Community Services for (get this) child abuse. Although, I don't believe they actually said as much on the phone ... we were informed that our attendance was requested at the office of said organization the next morning. Upon our arrival and reception, we were informed that there had been a complaint lodged back in November that had originated from our Stretch. Apparently, she was complaining about how her father hits her in the face.

I don't think I need to use my words to explain how ridiculous this accusation was/is. I also don't think it necessary to bother explaining how devastating this experience was for me. I doubt I stopped crying for more than an hour for nearly a month. I could go on ... and on ... and on ... about this experience, but there is so much more to tell, so in the interest of time (mine and yours) I'll fast forward. We were assured the file would be officially closed, and I am still waiting for the letter that states as much.

March
- Narci calls me into his office one Monday morning so we might have a "talk". Business had been abysmal (to put a positive spin on it, honestly). I mean ... nobody had been working. Not on mortgages, at least. Tweedle Dum had been busy proving me right as to his overall 'worth' on the team. Honestly, a lazier human being beyond the age of 10, I never care to meet. Sweet whistlin' JEEZUS!! This guy is the biggest waste of skin in which God ever stuck a handful of guts... and here Narci's been paying this useless turd what I have been making for the past 8 freakin' years ... but I was being irrational in my lack of overriding joy at his installation in our office - what IS the matter with me, anyway? (Do I really need a sarcasm font? I mean if I am typing, I think it is safe to assume said font)

Anyhoo - back to "our talk" ... Narci brought me in to tell me that some changes needed to be made and he was starting with my rollerskate car. Now, I'm not sure if ever you have experienced a moment when there is an audible shift inside your brain ... it was like playing Tetris. The piece slid in and suddenly, the field cleared and answers just presented themselves. I like to believe that, had someone been listening for it, they'd have actually heard the decision being made. Oddly enough, I was not angry ... not at all. In fact, I believe the prevailing emotion of that moment was ... relief. I mean, the comedic fodder notwithstanding ... the man owns in excess of $400K in high end, miscellaneous vehicles, and the one he is going to sell (due to his need for money) is a $3000 piece of shit ... but you know, I digress.

I don't remember sliding into my big girl panties, but the next words I heard, came out of my mouth ... "Perhaps it is time for some more drastic changes". I followed that up by blaming my personal situation and the fact that I had been emotionally "done in" for such a long time that I was no longer what my position required. (Yes, I know that there is a mountain of reasons why I would wish to escape - pronounced "ess-kap-ay" - that place, none of which had ANYTHING to do with my overall performance, but I needed to leave on good terms and the only way to do that was to make it seem like Narci's brilliant business acumen had come shining through the murk of the current situation and acted accordingly ... and I threw in an opportunity for him to feel like Captain Super Fantastico Bossman, and save me from my sorry self. I'm swell that way.) I suggested to him that he consider restructuring his mortgage department, and (in an effort to expedite this story by cutting out the following three conversations it took to convince him of the necessity of action) that if I was to be laid off, he could re-staff with a commissioned person and save himself the king's ransom that was my salary. (OMG - that actually caused me pain to type)

He bought it! My Record of Employment was prepared, stating I was laid off, and on March 23rd, 2012 - I left the office for the last time as an employee of Narci Incorporated and began my new position as full time CEO of the Dragonfly family.

Can You Fucking Believe It? I DID IT!!! I'M FREE!!!!!!!!! (Really, are there enough exclamation points available to express this sentiment?)

Here's the thing, though ... 'member Bambi? You know, the one that replaced Cranky McB? Well ... I didn't want to develop any relationship with her, but once her "Bambi bubble" was burst, well ... she became a person with whom I could commiserate ... and now I feel guilty for leaving her. I also have a constant source of information regarding Narci-Henge, Minion and Narci boy himself. Not sure if I might feel better if I did not. I can't decide. It is certainly safe to say that I have not yet decompressed. That place took a great deal from me and departing so ignominiously (no parting gifts ... no party ... hell, Narci wasn't even THERE my last day) has left me with a strange mixed bag of unresolved emotion. I will say this much; I am so relieved to be away from him. My health has improved significantly. My hair has been growing back in with wild, curly abandon - I have been getting lots of exersise - the fun kind (you know ... walking outside, doing yard work, playing with the kids ... sex with my stud-muffin ... the good stuff) My stress level is lower than I can ever remember it being - not non-existant by any means, but visably reduced fo-shizzel. I can't think of any better way to describe this scenario than to say it was like leaving an abusive marriage. He didn't want me to go - even though the writing was already on the wall in neon paint - and I was experiencing ... GUILT. Go figure. I don't think I could aptly name the way I feel at present ... but I can assure you that no matter how much Narci thinks I'll come crawling back, he is wrong. I will sell this house and move out West before I would lower myself to that. But there is a quagmire of poop and cah-cah that I must sift through before I am ready to make any major decision regarding my career going forward - and I think I'll start with a rest and then follow that up with a change of vocation. 

But that is for future pondering.

April
- Stretch has been getting some help from a psychologist. I was catapulted into action after the whole DCS intrusion and started pulling "professionals" into our circle. I went to my doctor (back in Feb) and informed her that I needed a favor. I had been a patient for 20 odd years and had never before asked, but that I needed for her to throw her weight around in the medical community and get some help for us, post-haste. She did, and we have an appointment with the Children's Hospital group on July 4th. This will be good. There is a great deal of help available from them. Both for us as parents and for Stretch in particular.  In the meantime, she has been seeing a private psychologist. This has been a big expense and up until our last appointment, I was of the feeling that is was a necessary one. I have since changed my mind. He came back with a diagnosis of "early onset bi-polar disorder". So ... he's dead to me now. Too bad, too - 'cause I liked him. He's not only barking up the wrong tree, he's not even in the right kind of forest. I read up on the disorder (you know, BEFORE I told him he was full of shit) and she doesn't exhibit even ONE of the characteristics of the bloody disorder. I mean, she is the least depressed child I have ever met ... and though I will admit she has stints of mania, they are short lived .... tantrum like, in fact. Do we diagnose all tantrums now as bi polar disorder? Can't squeeze her into ADHD, so it must be bi-polar? Fuck that. Do you know what the treatment is for children her age with this disorder? Lithium. Yeah - you heard me. FUCK THAT!

So ... we wait.

In the meantime, we have met with the school (again) and are preparing to put a formal report together from them and their psychologist to take with us to the IWK (hospital). There is a psycho-educational assessment that they do there that essentially breaks down how best to teach the child in question - both from the educational perspective as well as the parenting side. It is bloody expensive, but if we get a referral from the school and my doc (which is already in) we have the opportunity of having it paid for by MSI. So, that is my current plan.

I am happy to report that Stretch has made great strides in improving her overall attitude since I started being home. She has a more focused line of attention (from me) and without the constant downward pressure of my occupation, I have a great deal more patience for most things. It's just so.much.better. Shorty, on the other hand has opted to change her M.O. and started acting more like her freaky-outing-whiny-tantrum-throwing sister. That is special on many levels. Oh well ... I suppose it couldn't be all sunshine and lollipops - right?

We are now counting down to Summer vacation. I need to put some plans in place for the girls. I will need to keep them busy or they'll drive me back to work. Since my exit from the working world, I have cleaned closets and cupboards, refinished a bathroom - and am about to start another, made a dent in the basement, started the plan to re-side the house and done a pile of outdoor work. The house is always clean and laundry done BEFORE the weekends come, so I can focus on doing fun stuff with the kids on their days off. It's remakably good - over all. It's amazing how smooth life really is without other people and their bullshit agendas dictating one's mood and level of give-a-shit and generally getting in the way of your life.

I am still somewhat of a seething mess, but we are in clean up mode and this is going to be the Summer of Dani. Ima do some fixin' up ... all over. Then, in the Fall I will either go back to school, start my own business or find a MUCH better J.O.B. Until then I have my mother to deal with (who is still living here without monitary contribution - but THAT is a rant for another day), Stretch and Shorty to entertain through the Summer months and a house to get ready for a less expensive Winter ... or for sale. Not sure which just yet.

Sorry I haven't been checking in on my bleeps. I have been in a really weird mental space of late. I am going to make it a priority to check in on everyone and maybe even try to write more often - it does seem to help me when I do.

I've missed many of you. I hope to reaquaint myself with your lives very soon.

Air-Kisses!

D-Out



Tuesday, January 17, 2012

//headpalm


Alrighty … so I’m not starting the year off with an abundance of wherewithal or a great attitude, for that matter. This is why I haven’t been writing … well that, and the fact that I am tired of listening to me, so I thought I’d treat y’all to a respite from my crap.

Having said that, I guess dropping off the blogosphere completely may have been somewhat drastic. Sorry about that.

To bring you up to speed, I offer the following diatribe:
Narci is still … well … Narci. I guess that isn’t going to change and I need to either accept or decline that friend request already and move on with my life – right? He hired another mortgage agent before Christmas. I have never been a big fan of this guy. In fact, Hubs worked with him several years back and even my “wouldn’t say shit if he had a mouth full of it” husband doesn’t have anything really complimentary to say about this person. Oh – did I mention that this same person … I call him Tweedle Dumb … is being given a bi-weekly draw that is in excess of what I make? No? I neglected to mention it? Hm. Can’t imagine why … since this ass clown has no experience in doing the type of mortgages that we do here, I have to spend MY time training him AND I’ve been here for nearly eight years … but hey … my income certainly wouldn’t attract anybody to work in the seventh circle of hell – right? Wait. Did you (Narci) just openly admit I am under paid???  Uh … yeah ya did! I believe the quote was: “Nobody can live on THAT” … referring to the amount he ORIGINALLY told me Tweedle Dumb would be getting on a draw (which was only slightly less than I clear). **insert title here**

My mom is still behaving like a spoiled teenager and our “come to Jesus moment” is imminent. I have started the fateful letter that essentially states she needs to buck up and figure out how to pay her way – OR move on to another living arrangement. Needless to say (noting the obvious omission of a lengthy gripe session) I haven’t presented her with this document to date. Christmas was a challenge. I had hoped I would recover my sense of ha ha and be able to put a slightly hilarious spin on the telling of that tale, alas … sense of ha ha is still A.W.O.L, with no measurable improvement in sight. So … no hilarious tales today. **insert title here**

My nosey neighbor stuck her big fat ugly-assed head into my business last week regarding Stretch - which sent me into a homicidal spiral. I’m telling you, the fact that I did not go and earn myself an assault charge on her doorstep should count for something toward my level of restraint. Hubs actually had the unmitigated gall to get pissy with me because I got so angry … actually, I was mad - not angry … seething, smoke coming off my body, ready to tear someone limb from limb, mad. Her issue was that Stretch had threatened her precious little mama’s boy with the fact that she knew what ‘murder’ was. Now, I am not condoning the use of the word – no matter how ridiculous the source is (and Stretch had a ‘talking to’ over the incident) … but it was her follow up comments to Hubs that really set me off. She told him our child is an outcast, nobody likes her, she tattles, whines, nobody will play with her and she tells everyone in the school that we have no food in the house and that she needs to eat theirs. She went on to state that we “ought to do something” about these issues … and so on. He stopped sharing the contents of their conversation when my coloring degraded into a kind of greenish-scarlet. The whole thing boiled over into a few long winded emails and a telephone conversation with the principal of the school – but I’m still mad. **insert title here**

We got a bit of a wakeup call prior to the holidays. Hubs had finally gone and gotten the blood work I have been nagging him to have done for the past 4 years. Our doctor’s office wound up calling the house and scheduling him in for an appointment right away after receiving his results. Scared the bejeezus out of me. It turns out his liver enzymes were off the chart and there were a bunch of other readings that I couldn’t begin to explain. He had to make a few changes, have another round of tests and we went back just before Christmas to find out the results. The numbers had started to come down after a short time of changes (removing Tylenol from his daily routine being the most significant), but we were then told that his cholesterol was so high they couldn’t even give an actual number. (JEEZ!!) So – we have had to make some changes to diet, exercise, alcohol intake and the biggest one (which hasn’t happened yet) is that he has to quit smoking. He had another round of blood work this past Friday and we’ll go on Friday of this week to get the results of that. Hopefully, the levels are normalizing and we’ll remain in a state of monitoring. Otherwise, we’ll have to consider more evasive tests. I don’t think I have to say that I REALLY hope we don’t go that route.

This experience put me on my ass. It completely changed my perspective on pretty much everything. I mean, living my life and raising our children and just getting through every day is simply not something I want to (or even know if I could) ever do without him. He is my world. I was (and in turns, continue to be) scared out of my own skin. It appears as though we are headed in the right direction and I have managed to convince myself that it’s going to be okay … but it has put my head in a really morbid place. I find myself dwelling on death, illness and even the crazy Mayan calendar. (Yes, I know … I KNOW!!!) Living in crazy town is not as fun as it originally sounded. I need help!

On the positive side, the simple fact that he was okay(ish) over Christmas and that it wasn’t some horrid diagnosis we received from the doctor, made everything else (that would normally have been a big fat hairy deal) moot. Mom and Sissy sponging off us for meals and liquor – not a big deal to me... even when my sister drank most of my vodka and then took her own, unopened bottle home with her. The fact that I spent an inordinate amount of time and effort cooking meals for ungrateful people who couldn’t even be bothered to get off their arses and help clean up – seemed somewhat small in light of our ‘reality’ over the previous few weeks. Obviously, I am not so magnanimous that I completely let it go (heaven forbid) … but I did skate through a veritable laundry list of slights, comments and out right slams from my extended family without much incident. I guess that would qualify as a bright side – to a certain extent.

So - there you have it. Aren't you glad I haven't been sharing more regularly? In an attempt to finish off on a bright note, I was happy to learn that my neighbor couldn't have been more wrong about Stretch. In the ensuing conversation with the school principal, it was noted how impressed everyone is with the progress Stretch has made since starting her year - so YAY STRETCH!! 
I hope to visit all of you over the next few days. It has been a little hectic here at Narci-henge ... but I do want to have a peek around and make certain everyone is okay.

Happy New Year, my bleeps!

D