All That Glitters...

I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year.

I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes. 

The house is decorated.

The shopping is nearing an end.

My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care. 

I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual.

I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year. 

Zip. 
Zero. 
Zilch.

I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel that much excitement this year. 

I'm just numb.

Work isn't helping.

It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do. 

It wears me out... not having any purpose. 

Drains my spirit.

It's likely past time for me to move on... I just feel so yucky about my own self, I can't imagine 'selling it' in an interview... much less in my subsequent performance. Putting a pin in that for right now.

Ulch.

I want to love this time of year so badly.

I need to.

Even my kids aren't excited. The fam seems to draw their sense of well being from me and I'm just not putting it off just now. Plus we have an elderly, ailing dog and that has cast a pallor over everything too. 

I want to experience an 'up' for the love of fuck!

There is finally an appointment set to start screwing around with meds... it's in late January. I guess that is something to look forward to? I shudder to think what that will be like after last time... but if it fixes my lack of 'up' it will be well worth it... just not for another long while.

Aaaaahhhh!

I'm so tired of not being myself.

Here's hoping for a peaceful holiday week,

D-out

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