All That Glitters...

I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year.

I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes. 

The house is decorated.

The shopping is nearing an end.

My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care. 

I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual.

I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year. 

Zip. 
Zero. 
Zilch.

I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel that much excitement this year. 

I'm just numb.

Work isn't helping.

It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do. 

It wears me out... not having any purpose. 

Drains my spirit.

It's likely past time for me to move on... I just feel so yucky about my own self, I can't imagine 'selling it' in an interview... much less in my subsequent performance. Putting a pin in that for right now.

Ulch.

I want to love this time of year so badly.

I need to.

Even my kids aren't excited. The fam seems to draw their sense of well being from me and I'm just not putting it off just now. Plus we have an elderly, ailing dog and that has cast a pallor over everything too. 

I want to experience an 'up' for the love of fuck!

There is finally an appointment set to start screwing around with meds... it's in late January. I guess that is something to look forward to? I shudder to think what that will be like after last time... but if it fixes my lack of 'up' it will be well worth it... just not for another long while.

Aaaaahhhh!

I'm so tired of not being myself.

Here's hoping for a peaceful holiday week,

D-out

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

From One Mother, to Another

(Written Nov 29, 2022 ~ Still relevant... picking up July 20, 2023)  It's been a while.  I mean... I've typed out a whole bunch of words... over and over again... but I've been so stuck.  I had a meeting with one of the executives I support in my current position this morning. She was telling me that she's leaving the company.  She's an amazing woman. Her credentials and education are so far beyond impressive, I can't even describe... but today, she said that she was going to take a beat before moving into a new role... and spend some time with her kids.  She has two and they're young.  Her comment was that (I'm never going to get the wording right on this) she isn't the 'kind of mom that I am'. That she isn't 'there' to put them to bed and she isn't 'involved' in their day to day like I am. That her mother recently reminded her of the fact that they grow up... 'with or without you'.  I have a great deal of res
Read more

WIMTS

Image
I know I have been a slacker on the fun MeMe's lately. I thought perhaps I might try to rectify this little problem and join in today with Chiefy and her highly fun theme. Without further ado: On Monday night, my hubs came home from work at his usual 10:30(ish) pm. I had recently awoken in my daughter's bed and come downstairs to watch one of my most fav shows (The Big Bang Theory ... don't judge me - it is funny!) ... I had fallen into a sound stupor while trying to get my brats beautiful darlings to go to sleep and I was barely coherent. My hubs had come in and then disappeared for a little while ... I thought it odd, but didn't dwell as my show was starting. When he finally came into the living room  with his plate of dinner, (yes, I save him a plate from our dinner to eat when he gets home) he asked me how I was feeling. I found that odd. I said: "Why?" in a highly suspicious tone. He didn't say anything else until the next commercial break. Hub
Read more

This is dedicated to the one(s) I love .... (gotta sing it)

Yesterday was my 37th birthday. I was sick for the entire day and mighty worried I was in for a pretty miserable few days. I went to work and did my thing (I know I should have stayed home, but that is not the sort of place I work in) and the gals at my office threw a little lunch time party for me, complete with chinese food and cake ... and card and song and even a gift certificate for a hair-do at a local salon (okay - so you know your "do" is a "don't" when you get a certificate like this from your co-workers... unclench, Eyvi - I know I've been bitching about my hair for months ... I'm just funnin'). To them, I say TYVM ... for making me gain 5 more pounds... no, I'm kiddin' again - I am so touched. Thanks guys - you ROCK! I don't plan to spend a whole bunch of time yaking about the 'day' itself. It's just that birthdays have a tendancy to cause somewhat of a retrospective thought path ... especially when one is campe
Read more