The Ghosts I Know

My dreams are being haunted.
Every night, I have a visit from my stepfather... then my ex... the one who's name is never spoken. 
That one.
These dreams are so life like... I have to remind myself they didn't really happen.
It's actually jarring.
These are not happy dreams.
They are too realistic to be happy.
I feel like I am being asked to do battle with these ghosts.
Like I have to prove something to them.
...and I got nuthin'.

I'm stuck in the molasses of my life like a fly in amber.

This 'condition' of mine has worsened this year. I had no 'up' at all during this past Summer. 
None. 
Yet, I am dipping. 

I'm moody.
I'm angry.
Ragey driving is rearing its ugly head.

I came home from work this afternoon, mad before I walked in the door, where I was met with a messy house; Dishwasher full of clean dishes. Two loads of laundry to be folded. Counter and both sinks full of dirty dishes. I had to deal with cat shit on the couch... on the floor... and in the litter box... then I went into the bathroom on the main floor and there was shit spattered all over the toilet... 
Seriously, peolpe? There is not one reason why this was saved for me. Not one.

I'm home from my romantic weekend all of 24 hours and I'm already rage cleaning the house. 
My husband doesn't know what he is coming home to... and I am helpless to stave it off. 
My energy is stained with the frustration of this family. 

I got a text from him an hour or so ago that stated what time he'd be home... you know, so I can have dinner ready for that time. I mean he has to go back out and work tonight, but who died and made me his mother, anyway? 

...and don't get me started on the whole 'mother' thing. My kids do not appreciate any of what I do for them, not the hot homecooked meal every day, not the tidy house, not the groceries, not their cell phone plans or spending money... none of it! 
And that is my fault.
I've created these monsters.

My husband is the same.
He is spoiled.

I know he works a lot of hours and he is away quite a bit, but who in the hell does he think is running this household? Taking care of all the little finite details? Feeding everyone? Making sure doctor appointments are kept, prescriptions are up to date and that we don't live in a house that should be condemned! 

If I left it to them, we'd live in absolute filth!

It is driving me crazy... and the drive is a short run right now.

I'm walking around inside out.

...and in my dreams, I'm met with the two greatest sorrows of my lifetime... patrolling the backs of my eyes with their pointy walking sticks.

I wake up in the same pain I felt then... only the wounds are fresh again.

I just can't figure out the why part.

Meanwhile, I'm numbing it all with vodka and pot... and food. I'm stuffing my face with anything that will make the sensation change.

If I wasn't so filled with self-loathing, I'd be stalking some poor bastard on the internet by now.

I don't wanna be me anymore. I seriously don't.

I'm just so done in with everything. Work, home, friends, family. I'm just done.

Fuck!

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