Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Short Attention Span Theatre

Happy Hump Day, Bleeps ... or actually ... since Friday is a holiday, I guess we could have considered the half way mark between yesterday and today "Hump-Eight-Hour-Period" ... whatevs ... you feel me? Right? Or smell what I'm steppin' in? Right?

I am very much ...'Twinkle, twinkle, little ... oooh - look at the pretty butterfl ... oooh - that plane is really loud... oooh - there's Sally waving from her back deck' ...

I'm having trouble staying focused. Could be Spring fever ... could be the fact that Narci is away this week ... could be that Hubs is actually making MORE and spending LESS money than when he had to go to work everyday ... I'm near on heady, I am.

In honor of my inability to commit to a topic, I give you:

Short Attention Span Theatre ... Dani-style

*I went to my first sleep over in ten years this past Saturday. It was at Polly's house. She is Jax's older sister and we have become very close over the years. We had a "Margarita Night". We talked about a whole lotta stuff I have been afraid to verbalize. That was good... and it was fun. I have known Polly since I was eleven ... that's 26 years, for anyone inclined to do the math ... YES, 26 + 11 = 29!!! 


*Narci is away ... which means I am on V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N ... 'everybody hold yer drinks in the air .... chug - chug - chug - chug .... freshmen - freshmen - do sumpin' crazy - do sumpin' crazy' .... man ... I love college ... I love drinkin' ... I love ... uh .. er ... sorry.

*Hubs has an appointment made 'fer de schnipp-schnipp'. His biggest concern is that in his nervousness, he'll accidentally make the urologist laugh by yelping at him not to snip the wrong wire or his junk'll blow up... 
ba dump bump (Yes - my hubby is a funny funny guy ...)

* My girls are excited about the bunny coming this weekend. I am excited because Hubs is actually going to take a day and a half off and we are going to paint our bedroom and the porch ... and possibly the kitchen cabinets as I am unhappy with them and need to finish that job already ... yes - I know that is too much to do in a weekend ... even a three day weekend, but the fact that I am so pumped to do it says something about the positivity in my mood.We'll also need to find some time for a nice family dinner and to work a little religion in there. My Mom is at her wit's end with our heathenism. 

* My baby sister and her boyfriend have moved to the UK. They landed safely yesterday afternoon. She never even said goodbye (to me - she saw Mom ... 'cause Mom helped her pack ... and clean her place). Not an email ... a phone call - nothing. Didn't come out to see her nieces because she was too busy preparing. Her stuff made it to my place, though. I am now storing Mom's stuff (not to mention MOM), baby Sissy's stuff and my Middle Sissy's crap, too. She's in Calgary. If we actually DID ever manage to sell this colossus of a homestead ... I'm thinking the yard sale could be quite lucrative for me ... I would chalk it up to accumulated storage fees. {I will be making a post regarding my relationship(s) - or lack thereof with my siblings another day ... but not today}

*I don't have anything to do here at work. I wish the SALES force would bring in some flippin' business so Narci would feel comfortable going away more often. I do not like having nothing to do. I am going to be forced to try and dig up some business myself.

* Today is Dr. Seuss' birthday ... Stretch is having green eggs and ham at her school cafeteria today. Happy Birthday Dr.Seuss!! In honor of his special day, below are some sage quotes from a man beyond his time.

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

“And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

- Dr. Theodor Seuss Geisel
Have a happy Wednesday Bleeps!!

Friday, March 19, 2010


Man ... I am late to the party today.

Okay ... this month? It's been a while.

I have been in a dark and scary place ... and my funny was AWOL.

Nuf sed about that.

So ... I do like this theme and even though I'm scrapin' in under the wire ... I'm still here... we'll call it fashionably late - K?

My confessions this week are shocking. I want any of you that suffer from over active bladder, heart conditions or excessive flatulence to think seriously about reading what follows.

I shot JR... and Mr Burns.

I also stole "The Beef"

I let the dawgs out.
I pushed the old lady down that "couldn't get up" ... she didn't fall.

Oh ... and that smell? It was me ... hee hee hee ... oops!

I ate the last piece of pie/cake/pizza/candy/gum - it was all me.
I took the last Tylenol... and the last ice cube ... and I didn't fill it back up.

I put the milk back in the fridge - empty... I'm a rebel that way.

Hope ya'll have a great weekend!

Cheerio! Or Fruitloop! (if yer as kewl as Spot)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sunday Afternoon with the Captain ...

I will make apology to any recovering alcoholics out there ... the following is not a post you should read.

Rum is good. I really don't care what anyone says ... I am blissfully happy right now. Sitting in my eat in kitchen ... folding laundry and listening to Blue October, Chris Cornell and The Peas ... with a snog or two of rum. Life seems relatively good.

I am not thinking about tomorrow. I refuse to ruin a perfectly good drunken Sunday afternoon with thoughts of Narci and the impending doom of our early morning meeting scheduled for tomorrow. Nope - not thinking about that.

Yesterday went well. Shorty had a good birfday. All of her guests (except for one) showed. They had a ball. I shared sparkling conversation with the other adults - which for me is tough because I am socially stunted. I mean when it is work related, I am a master of conversation ... but when I don't know what my role is ... where I fit in ... I get ... lost. It's pathetic, really.

I fell asleep after dinner last night ... for three hours. Shameful. I awoke in time for the movie the girls were watching to be over. I put them to bed and then Hubs and I sat up until 2:30am. He had a couple of drinks ... I had one. And then I cried ... a whole lot. It's the first time I have allowed myself to cry in a long time. I think that was good. I feel somewhat better today ... even before the two very strong rum and pepsis.

We are going to have home made pizza and birthday cake for my youngest offspring this evening. I need to go and knead the dough and get that started now. She is anxious to open her prezzies from us. 

Hope y'all had a good weekend!


Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Troll Under the Bridge


I am NOT looking for sympathy ... I am bitching to vent - because I don't have room in my head for the petty stupid crap that is elbowing its way through my thoughts right now.

Ladies ... start your engines.

Today is Shorty's birthday party. Her 5th birthday is on Tuesday, but parties are better held on weekends, no? She went to a birthday at McDonalds just after Christmas and has been obsessed with that idea ever since ... counting down the days ... planning her guest list. We gave her the choice of venues - even a house party like we had for her sister in January - but she opted for Mickey-D's.

Enter my sister. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate anything that is done for my kids - I do. My sister is not overly involved in my kids' lives. She is busy planning her move to the UK at the end of the month and she also blames me for being overprotective in not allowing her to drive them all over hell's half acre. It's a sore spot. I won't elaborate any farther on that. 

So, 'Sissy' had promised for Stretch's birthday (that she did not attend) that she would take both of them to do something special for a joint celebration. At the time, it was going to be skiing. Time passed and I was not really comfy with skiing, but I would have consented had plans actually been made - they were not. Then swimming was mentioned. I had made the comment to my mother that I thought swimming might be better ... as the girls at least knew how to do that and had done it before. (Bearing in mind that Sissy NEVER spoke a word directly to me - all plans were made with Mom and my kids with my involvement being secondary)

Last night, my mother - while on the phone with my sister, announces that Sissy is taking them swimming at the indoor pool. Yes - I am feeling petty. I am gathering that I am deficient somehow in motherly selflessness. I am happy that Shorty and Stretch are going to do something fun - heaven only knows that we have not been doing a whole lot of extra curricular stuff with them ... it is such a struggle just running the house and working so many hours between us. We are in survival mode ... all auxiliary systems are powered down. But gawd! This feels like a bitch slap.

I have been walking around inside out - especially this past week. Between Hubs and his job, Narci and his ... well ... Narci-ness, and the fact that Eyvi is leaving. (side bar DON'T READ THIS PART EYVI - I am so happy and relieved for her ... she deserves to be happy and I worked for  Narci - the - snatch - maggot for over 4 years before she came along ... but she has been a lonely bright spot for me and I am having a rough time with seeing her go ... I will not show that to her if I can swing it, but it is a cold realization for me) So, yeah ... inside out. Not an ideal time for folk to be poking me.

And while we are at it - why in the hell did you have to steal the only thunder I have had with my kids in a good while? Why? I couldn't be the provider of their excitement for today? The party wasn't enough? It will pale in comparison after swimming.

Add to that the perpetual stream of comments from my mother. I don't think she realizes - I really don't ... but it is at the point of physical pain for me to hear this on a constant note. This morning, my girls came barreling into my room screaming the whole way about going swimming with Aunti - BEFORE the birthday party. They were so excited. Then, a few minutes later I hear Mom in the kitchen saying "I guess I'll have to get you breakfast" (I will point out that my knowledge of their swim date and time began when my girls came in this morning) ... then, Stretch comes in the bedroom with a bottle of Flintstone vitamins that Gamma had bought a few days before saying: kids who don't eat a balanced diet should take a vitamin every day ... and I can't help but feel that this was a quote from Mom. THEN - Stretch is trying to tie something and she says: Man! I really need to learn how to tie!! and Mom says Man! I guess I really need to teach you!!

I am inside out - people ... nerves on the outside of my skin ... raw to the elements. I am not presently capable of adding a grain of salt to anything. The fact that it is going to rain tomorrow is a personal affront to me today.

BACK OFF! And stop undermining what I bring to my kids' lives - wouldja? Okay - fine ... I have not made it a priority to teach Stretch to tie ... sue me. She has velcro. I have though, taken the time to teach her about personal space, bullies, standing up for what she believes in, being a good friend ... not to mention giving her a killer vocabulary and a love for all things science. I am NOT a complete failure ... and I resent the implication that I am.

This is how I came to be sitting under the bridge ... hiding from the pain I am feeling today. I can't stay here  long because I have a house to clean, laundry to do, a party to attend (no matter how lack luster it will appear after the morning), presents to wrap and a week's worth of meals to plan ... not to mention begging a creditor or two to give me just a little more time to pay them what I promised.

Would it be bad form to attend my 5 year old's birthday party drunk? Hm?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Some 'Splainin'

First, let me say that my spirit is renewed so often by some of the wonderful people who read and comment on my blog that it is a constant state of surprise I find myself in. Thank you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Second, I think I should expand slightly on my post from yesterday. I was cut a little short by the presence of my very pissed off and highly 'in my face' (not to mention up my ass) boss ... yes, you are detecting a note of indignation in my tone ... no, I will not apologize for blogging on company time ... well I would if he knew I was ... but so far as I know, he does not ... and I wouldn't mean it even if I did apologize ... so there *blows raspberry*. Blogging is one of a scant few threads that keep me tethered to my life/earth/my responsibilities/sanity ... (you choose) these days. I will admit it - I am feeling bouts of mental weakness lately. I will say also, that I can do this - and will. I'm just incapable of doing it quietly ... as with most things.

So - my husband's employer has laid him off, BUT has contracted his position back to him (that he can do from home) in an effort to cut company costs. Now, based on what I understand (and this is a dumbed down version, because I just do not 'get' all of the intricacies of the contract)  if he bills out 200 - 240 minutes of his time every day for five days  (no, he is not running a porn line for Newfie fetish addicts) we should still bring in what he was making before and still have enough to pay the resultant taxes that will  inevitably wind up owing to our fair government. 

Tuesday, he did 130 minutes and yesterday, he did 180. He has a possible seven days of the week from which to work ... so, in theory - this really could work quite well ... and could, in fact, be a bit of an answered prayer as his recent promotion was going to mean increased child care costs and with the end of school looming in the near future, we would have been looking at quite a bit more out than what would have been coming in.

The bad news is that this company has laid off nearly everyone and has put a push on the skeleton staff to get the computers that have been paid for already, out the door as fast as possible. That doesn't sound promising. My hubs and the other guy that has been contracted have a running wager on whether the doors will still be open on Monday. It is my hope that this pathetic company has not left it until it is too late to recover... though, if they have - the contract is still up for grabs and my hubs doesn't really need anything from his current employer in order to keep doing it ... we'd just need to set up a skype account and a pay pal ... easy peasy. 

That said, I breathe a sigh of skeptical relief. We have no cushion. Not an inch for error. It is as scary as hell and I can't tell you I am happy in the least about it just at the moment, but I have to believe that this will wind up being the answer to my recent prayers - and yes ... I have been praying. It is what I know, and the greatest form of action I seem able to take.

I want to be happy. I do have much to be happy about. I am so damned tired of this overwhelming sense of impending doom.

An angel came to me recently and gave me a gift. It is something I can't talk about nor explain, but she gave it all the same. My faith in the human condition renewed, I will carry on my way with a smile in my heart.

Thank you to my girls ... jumping to my rescue. You guys mean so much to me - you just have no idea. I hope that one day ... (maybe if I sell a manuscript or something - ha ha) when I am independently wealthy, I will be able to come and visit each and every one of you and take you for lunch and a spa day ... or perhaps fly y'all in to have it together ... for a week ... a month?? 

Hey, a dragonfly can dream, can't she?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I know I have been a slacker on the fun MeMe's lately. I thought perhaps I might try to rectify this little problem and join in today with Chiefy and her highly fun theme.

Without further ado:

On Monday night, my hubs came home from work at his usual 10:30(ish) pm. I had recently awoken in my daughter's bed and come downstairs to watch one of my most fav shows (The Big Bang Theory ... don't judge me - it is funny!) ... I had fallen into a sound stupor while trying to get my brats beautiful darlings to go to sleep and I was barely coherent.

My hubs had come in and then disappeared for a little while ... I thought it odd, but didn't dwell as my show was starting. When he finally came into the living room  with his plate of dinner, (yes, I save him a plate from our dinner to eat when he gets home) he asked me how I was feeling. I found that odd. I said: "Why?" in a highly suspicious tone. He didn't say anything else until the next commercial break.

Hubs: "So ... I got laid off tonight..."

Me: *crickets chirping*

WIMTS: W T (mutha beep effin beep geezily greased) F?!! DID YOU, or DID YOU NOT JUST get a promotion to supervisor with a raise and all ... less than ONE #@*&;$%!!*&$#@;%$#  beepin' pay period ago?

Hubs: "Well ... actually, I got laid off as soon as I walked in this evening"

Me: *mouth agape - look of complete bewilderment and shock ... crickets chirping*

WIMTS: sonofabeotch beep ... $&;%$@%^$&#@&;*(&;*(^%&;)**&;&a@$;^# bleepidy-beep-bleepin-bleeperbleepidybleep and where in the holy hell have you been all night?

Hubs: "Are you going to say anything?"

Me: "I ... uh ... I ... what? ... Why?"

WIMTS: %%$&;#*&;%;*(sonofa@#!!(&*^&a@%;*%effin'stupid company %^&^%@#$;$%^#$&@#$;;^&; head from their asshole %^%^#$&@#$;;*&)*&^;^$$#&)&^%$#;; ....  Bleeeeepppp....

Hubs: "Well ... they want to contract the work out. I can be contracted to do what I am doing now ... (I will point out that by this point THIS is what is happening inside my head) :

Me: "Uh ... okay ... what does that mean?"

WIMTS: We are scarcely feeding our children and our pets as it farking bleeping is - what in the holy farking hell Bleeeeping bleep do you want me to say to you?!!! 'Oh, that's SUPER-dee-duper, hun ... I was really hoping we'd get to utilize the food bank before all this nightmare was over'?!

Sigh ... I guess only time will tell...

Hope I did not offend...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Spring Iz Sprung ... The Grass Iz Riz...

... I wonder where the birdeez iz??

How are my Bleeps doing on this fine pre-Spring day? 

It is ... SUNNY!!! and not FREEZING!!!

...and the people rejoice...

I have a cold...

Actually, it is a mutant lung eating virus...

 "Billy-Ray Virus"

...but it is getting better...

...and the people rejoice!

I even noticed  these delicate little protuberances peeking thru the newly exposed earth


Crocuses ... sweet denizens of Spring!!!

...and the people rejoice...

We took down our Christmas lights yesterday!! 

(Shameful, I know)... but all done now!

...and the people rejoice... 

I cleaned out my car 

More shame

...and my car rejoiced

My floor didn't fare so well ...


but, the dog had a grand time.


The people tried to rejoice...

...but I kicked their rejoicing asses....

...and made them wash my floors again.

...and Dani rejoiced!! 

So - Spring appears to have sprung. Not that I will be surprised in the slightest to see more snow before we are free from under Winter's icy finger...

But this is a definite start... and I, for one, am seriously happy to be welcoming the birdeez back from their long vacation in the South.


Even though that is likely to mean I will need to clean my car again...

hee hee