Friday, January 15, 2010


K - I think I may have mentioned in the past that I can be a bit of a joiner ... in case nobody has figured this out yet. Chief over at (Hiding from the Kids) is part of another blog carnival and it looks like it could be fun, so I am going to try it on for size. I will be attempting to behave in a manner befitting the blog it shall be linked to ... so there will be limited swearing, blood and references to voodoo dolls of my boss. (OW!! Do NOT throw rotten veggies at my head!!)

Friday Confessional...

* I, too have taken sabatical from regular 'lawn maintenance' where my legs ... and a couple of other places are concerned. I figure it all lends to natural insulation from the bitter cold ... or at least that's the platform I'm standing behind at present.

* I have graduated from passive aggressive - to aggressive passive aggressive ... what that means (in Dani's dictionary) is I am now "actively" pervasive, negative and passive, usually disavowed  and resistant in interpersonal or occupational situations. Or in layman's terms ... when my husband behaves in his newly formed passive aggressive behavior and does not put the clean basket of laundry away ... I leave it there until the contents of said basket are once again dirty ... or, when my boss man wants me to develop the "second sight" and anticipate his every whim and fancy ... I pretend I am unable to decipher his limited range of contemplation and then, with an air of incredulity, state I am NOT clairvoyant nor is it part of my job description to be so.

* I ate 3 peanut butter roll-overs (WITH BUTTER) for dinner last night. (My kids had eaten out with their father as they had extra cirriculars to attend)

* I have put my children to bed at least a half hour too late every night this week because I could not get my face out of my book long enough to bath them on time. (Damn you, Diana Gabaldon!!!) I am a baaaad, baaaad mommy.

* In turn .... I stayed up until 2:00 am this very morning finishing said book ... *yawns ingraciously*

* I have not logged a single step on the treadmill I recently pledged my life to. There is no excuse for this ... I just haven't.

* I encouraged my hubs to "borrow" a couple of rolls of TP from his office the other night ... we were out and unable to requisition any of our own ... and Narci has planted homing devices in our stock in the office I'm quite certain ... so it had to be him. I would be ashamed of myself ... except the alternative of using old flyers for the task has left me rather unscrupulous in this matter.

* Nearly every one of my posts are written whilst on company time ... yes - I feel perfectly justified in this highly enjoyable waste of paid time.

Okay - I got eight ... not a total waste of a showing.

Hope to be invited back ... but if not, this was still fun!

D, out.

Monday, January 11, 2010

More Awards...

Soooo ... in an effort to get me back make me feel validated and accepted into her fold, Spot has graciously bestowed another award upon me. Thank you, Spot.

Fine print for the From the Inside...Out award~

The first thing is that you may/may not put this award on your sidebar....and you may/may not link it back to me. I'm not looking for free publicity's all about the loooooove. (Done!)
The second thing is that you need to fill in the following blanks. (see below)

1) My site rocks because:
2) In my next life, I want to come back as a: Because:
3) For me, the best part of blogging is:

Finally, you may pass this award on to three (3) other deserving blogs as a way to continue passing on the loooove (and done!)

1. My site rocks because - I truly enjoy making people laugh. Most of the time I think I manage that here. Plus I seem to love the sound of my own voice ... even when it is inside my own head ... and well - ya'll are my (not so) captive audience. I love that! And then there is the overt rage ... that helps, too.

2. In my next life I want to come back as a Dragonfly because most people like 'em (therefore don't try to kill them all the time), they are beautiful and they spend their lives flying around having buggy intercourse everywhere. What's not to love?

3.For me the best part of blogging is: You guys and gals. My "Bleeps". I luz ya ... each and every one of you. Plus ... referring to #1 ... the sound of my own voice(s).

I wish to bestow this award on the following three ladies who rock the blogisphere!!

Daune at Triplets Plus Two
Chief at (Hiding from the Kids)
Amethyst Ann at The Lunch Hour

I did not check to see if any of you already have this ... and I won't sulk if nobody does their homework ... but I bestow the award just the same.


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Okay - Okay ...

I am sorry about the Santa ...

I figured if I needed to bleach my eyes - well ... everyone else should have to as well. My bad.

I am suffering from painful gas of the brain ... aka brain farts. Plus ... I still have not put Christmas back to its summer home ... and - I have ten screeching little banshees little darlins coming tomorrow for Stretch's birfday party. We had to postpone it from last weekend due to my gross negligenec as a parent for not contacting eveyone soon enough the weather conditions. (honestly, the weather was in fact bad ... I just didn't know that it would be when I was supposed to be doing my motherly duties ... I have a tendancy to suck a little in this regard of late) I will make it up to her, in that I was not in a party place last weekend, but THIS weekend, I am fresh from researching fun party stuffs (between blogging, catching up on my bank reconcilliation and reading my book ... oh, yeah ... and leaving Narci to believe I was doing something productive whilst attending work ... what else would I do? I can't shop on eBay ... I'm boycotting them still - plus there is the 'no money' aspect...) ... yes, I am a bad employee. I went from one of the best  types of people you could have in your employ ... to ... well ... this. Shameful, really.

Anywho ... I have some kick ass games planned and I spent yesterday afternoon (at work, of course) stuffing loot bags. He deserves this, you know he does. Plus - the people who are supposed to be driving in business ... are NOT. That isn't on me. I tried to set up a business referral service for him before I left for holiday. They guaranteed ten live referrals for the first week of January. He screwed around and pissed around and then it was too late ... so I don't even feel a tinge of guilt. He can suck it for all I care. Hmmm ... how many live referrals did I get this week??? Oh yeah - NONE. We had one call from the phone book add. That was my week - scary, no? And you wanna believe he was bitching and moaning about it all week, too. I looked him straight in the eyes and said: "I tried to get us set up for those referrals ... and you screwed around for over a week! I tried." Would you like to know what he had the unmittigated gaul to say to me? "*snorts* Uh ... do YOU have a thousand bucks I can borrow?" ('cause the service costs a little over a thousand ... to make well over $15K ...) I said "Uh ... yeah, I'll write you a cheque ... just don't drop it, it's likely bouncy"


Sooo ... I must toddle as I have a mountain of packing ... reassigning various crap and other crap I have kicking around for the purpose of decoration the rest of the year. Plus I need to clean this cesspool. I am lookin' down the barrel of a seriously busy day ... and a sore back at bedtime.

Again ... please forgive me for Santa's sack. I had a breif nightmare about that pic last night ... eeewwwww.

Do have a loverly Saturday, all.


Friday, January 8, 2010

Totally Cheatin'

Okay, okay ... I have been neglecting my bloggy duties ... I know. I am so engrossed in the third installment of the "Outlander" series that it actually calls my name from its place in my "draggin' all mah crap around" bag ... no, really ... it does ... in a Scottish lilt at that... I dunno 'bout you all, but I am defensless against a Scot's accent. Dude could read me the phone book and I'd be done for.

So ... I got some funnies today and I peed a little when I saw a couple of 'em. I thought I might share the chuckle. It IS Friday and all ...


Ever wonder what Santa Looks like in the summer?
Wonder no more ...

Eeesh ...




Yes - in case you are thinking it inside your head ... I am a big fat cheaty-cheaterson by putting other people's ha ha on my blog - but it was this li'l nugget or no li'l nugget ... no - that wasn't meant to be a euphemism ...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Awards Time...

K - Daune from Triplets plus two   nominated me for two awards and now I gotta pass 'em on.

There are rules ... but I live really far away ... so I not a-scairt of her... even though she is the mother of FIVE CHILDREN ... 3 of which were born on THE SAME DAY!!! Yikes! That some scary shit right there! You should really go check her out ... she's funny and has really cute kids and a super hot hubby who I am told sports the ever sessy and stylin' woodsman coat (to the envy of the neighborhood and the swooning of many bloggesses!) ... (Still waitin' on those pics, btw). She's really sweet (like cavity sweet) but I don't hold it against her and neither should you... so clickity click (y'know - up there where the name of her blog is underlined??) and have a visit.

Now den ... here's the rules - should you choose to follow them like good little bleeps:

The fine print for keeping the Lemonade Stand Award torch lit:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post .
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog. (K - I have a problem with this one ... if you do not read me ... NO AWARD FOR YOU!!! even if some of you don't even like 'em)
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

The fine print for keeping the Happy torch lit:

A. List 10 things that make you happy. (See below)

B. Try to do at least one of them today. (okay ... but this makes you an accomplice, Daune)

C. Tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day.

D. For those 10 bloggers who get the award, you then link back to my blog and create your own "makes you happy" list (it is possible I am learning impaired, but I don't even know what this means ... so I'm totally skippin' this one ... or at least I think I am ... I dunno ... fer sure)

***Ten Things That Make Me Happy***

1) My family unit {that is, when they are not making me crazy (er)}
2) My re-kindled relationship with reading ... ohh how I have missed you
3) Standing in the doorway while my angels sleep peacefully - they are particularly cute then
4) Freshly line dried laundry - especially bed sheets ... mmmmmmmmmm
5) Seeking out the cold spots in the bed with my toes (I know that's weird - but I love it)

6) Rendering Narci speechless - especially if there has been a difference in opinion
7) When one of the (work) babies goes cryin' to daddy (Narci) and then gets caught up in their own net (this is a regular fav of mine
8) Watching karma kick the ass of someone that is over-due (still waiting big time for one of those)
9)When Narci has left the building

K - I did my part ... now you do yours:

1) Amethyst Anne @ The Lunch Hour
2) Eyvi @ Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
3) Spot @ What Passes For Sane On A Crazy Day
4) Cindy @ All In My Head
5) Meeko @ Ramblings of a Disgruntled Secretary (I know you already have this ... but you brighten my day)
6) Xtreme @ Xtremely Ragey
7) Brite @ ...but I digress (in particular for your kick ass comments and fabolous taste in music)
8) Duane @ Triplets Plus Two ... your blog brightens my day too
9) ZGirl @ Think Tank Momma (She doesn't follow me, but her blog is really cool ... and a girl can dream - can't she?) I guess Chief @ (Hiding From The Kids) and Supah @ Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy would fall into that category as well.

Spot number 10 shall remain vacant for now. There is someone who brightens my day all of the time and I am certain that someone knows full well who they are. Now is simply not the time. (I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete moron  ... so I'll say no more)

Monday, January 4, 2010


For any who do not know: New Years Eve Public Displays of Violence.

I promised a post about my New Year's Eve day and some PDV's ... so I will try to go good on my word. My sense of ha ha was all but busted yesterday ... so I am a little on the late side ... my bad.

K - so on Thursday past (aka NYE), I had an errand day. I had to go to my office to pick up my pay cheque {Narci was there, even though the office was closed and played games with me about giving me said cheque ... then a psycho client who must be stalking me came in wanting to ruminate over various mortgage scenarios ... good times}, hit not one - but TWO very busy banks {and to clarify - 'hit' in this context refers to walk in and stand in line for an hour a piece ... not 'knock it off'}, go to the Dept of Motor Vehicles {where there were 37 people in front of me ... most of whom had varying degrees of B-O}, get a full load of groceries, visit the liquor store and shop for my daughter's birthday. All I needed to add was a root canal and a pap smear and I would have had myself the makings of a serial killer.

As it was, this day was not pretty.

I am a hot woman. To clarify, I tend to run on the warm side much of the time. I shudder to think what menopause will look like for me ... I am picturing spontaneous combustion, ending in the charred outline of my body crumbling under the force of gravity. I get particularly hot and bothered when in a crowd of people ... especially people who are grinding their heels into my last nerve. To say I was warm would be negligent. There was steam ... and possibly a few puffs of smoke rising from my shoulders. I could feel my brain cooking inside my skull... all the while imagining inside my over heated mind that this ultra deadly steam could shoot out either ear in a disfiguring burst ... thus taking out the two morons closest to me on either side.

I remained remarkably calm ... until I got to the grocery store. I may have mentioned in the past that I fuckin' DETEST the grocery store. {You would think someone who loves her food with such abandon would feel like she was on the mother ship there ... not so much} The local Super Store is nothing less than a mecca for every disgruntled house-frau & beast along with every pissed off, kamikaze driver ... of both automobiles and grocery carts, within a 20 km radius! The overall disregard for the sanctity of life in that parking lot was rivaled only by what was going on just inside the doors. People - it was ugly. Pushing, shoving, elbowing ... I think at one point I even kicked an elderly man ... he was going to take the last box of "Always: extra heavy flow, overnight, stick a mattress between your legs, strap down those bad boy wings and it's all good - pads... I had no  choice!! Oh ... and here's a little piece of advice for y'all ... when you are standing in the meat section (or dairy or cereal ... or whatever...), chatting up your father's best friend's neice's boyfriend, please {for the everlovingholymotherofgawd} move your fucking carts out of the middle of the isle so the rest of us can pass ... puh-leeezze! If you had the slightest instinct for self preservation, you would sense your impending doom as I (not so) stealthily approach with my impregnated cart, full of $400.00 worth of groceries *draws deep breath* and MOVE!!! dammit!!!

{good air in ... bad air out ...}

What in the holy hell is the matter with these people? Remember my grocery store mask anyone?? An exceutioner's hood with a yella happy face ... there was no happy ... there wasn't even any yella by the time I made it through this corridor of iniquity ... it had all been sweated and/or steamed away.{Come to think of it, I shouldn't have a wrinkle on me for all the steam ... the hell???} I approached the cashier. I usually look for one of the more seasoned staffers ... the newbies never pack bags well. I wasn't given a great deal of choice due to the level of busy this place had become. I got a new guy. He was nice enough (I guess) ... and he was efficient at ringing stuff through ... but I must look like I am particularly strong (I'm thinking perhaps he had mistaken me for a new generation of female sumo wrestler). I'm here to tell ya ... my hubby had a hard time with a few of 'em. He even said (after I arrived home) that whoever packed these obviously didn't care much about my back ... fucker. He put THREE 2 litre bottles of pop in one bag ... underneath my arfin' bread (which now has the indentation of a half cylinder in the bottom of each loaf) and then he stacked the eggs on top of THAT! What a tool.

Then it was off to the liquor store ... and home. Narci and his missus were behind me on the highway the entire way ... don't know why he stayed behind me ... I was not moving anywhere near the mach 4 he normally travels ... but there they stayed.

Once home, I immediately began making Chinese food for our NYE dinner (as I had promised the children I would). Spent close to two hours at that only to sit down and have both kids eat a few bites and get up and leave ... I coulda smacked the pair of 'em.

All in all, I think it was a miracle nobody was (seriously) injured. I flipped a few folk the bird - that's true ... but no blood was spilled during Dani's day about town. I also didn't get Stretch's present and had to venture out on Sunday to do that around the snow storms and such ... but in the end, her birthday was a success... and my once itty bitty baby girl managed to turn seven on me. 

Dani out 

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Fabolus Fabulosity

I just wanna express my gratitude for the fabulosity of my bleeps (sistah's 'n' bros). The warm sunny rays of your friendship ... well ... they near burn my retina. (I kinda stole that from Supah ... but she doesn't read my shit so ... whatevs)

Very lovely comments indeed. It is nice to have a posse again. It has been a very very long time.

So - here's my last big display of creepy niceness ... hugs and slobbery kisses - the cyber kind of course, 'cause otherwise ... ewww ... germs ... and touching ... blech. To those of you who always have my back - I love ya ... I do. You'll likely never know just how much each one of you has come to mean to me. Your fabulosity is FABOLUS!!!

Doran ... if you are out there anywhere ... I'd even throw in some nudity in your honor (not mine, of course - cause that'd be cruel ... tho - extra weight sits happily on my bazoooms) ... but I misses you bucky ... come back and play in the sand box - K? You too Geep.

K - I am done now.

Stay tuned for some holiday observations or possibly just some bitchin' in the coming days. I haven't been around Narci in like 10 days ... so there has been much less fodder for my inner assasin. Perhaps I'll share my New Year's Eve shopping experience ... yeah ... and my PDV (that's public display of violence) ... yeah ... that might be good.

Dani out

Friday, January 1, 2010

The Mirror Has Many Faces

I was just cruisin' through a few blogs ... reading what folks had to say about New Year celebrations, retrospectives or just whatever is going on in their lives at the moment and something occurred to me. Now, in this case when I use the word 'occurred' it is actually code for: fell outta the sky, bounced off my head and smacked me in the mouth before falling into my lap for inspection ... then the angels sang .... waauuuhhh...

What am I yammering on about, you might ask? Well, I was over at Mommy Is In The Bathroom and she had posted a song. A song with lyrics that (to her) summed up her relationship with her blog. It was The Fray - You Found Me. Poignant. I cried. (FYI ... I am hormonal as hell and crying seems par for this course ... so consider yourself warned) But it got me to thinking ...

I believe many of us walk around with masks on ... or possibly bags over our heads. I mean, there is a face for work (in my case it is an executioner's mask with a clown's face painted on it), the face for the grocery store (in my case, it's an executioner's mask with a big ol' yella happy face painted on it), the face for the kids (in my case, it is a big open seething wound ... with an executioner's mask painted on it) ... and the face that my husband gets to see (in my case, sadly ... it's mostly the executioner ... the crank ... the emotional abyss ... the angry, stressed out and lost woman who used to be so driven and fun ... and funny ... not to mention the adult he loved most in this world ... not that he doesn't still ... if he didn't, I'm sure I'd be bound, in the root cellar with a dirty gym sock balled up and duct taped in my mouth).

We pretend ... until we feel safe ... and then all the pent up ... everything ... comes gushing out. Sometimes it erupts, like a volcano. Sometimes it simply rises, overflows and ebbs ... but there are times when it oozes. Personally, I think this is the most dangerous. It is black and sticky ... like tar ... and will seal off anything it catches, from the light of day. It'll sneak up on you ... or your friendships ... or relationships with family ... or worse yet, your spouse and offspring. It masks itself as indifference or a coping mechanism. You go along, thinking you are doing okay ... under the circumstances ... until you look around and see the poisoned carcasses strewn about behind you.

This past year, my career has tripped over its shoelaces and fallen face first into a curb ... with dog poop on it ... and old bubblegum ... and hork... all three of which are still stuck in my hair. I haven't been trying. I haven't given a tiny rat's ass about Narci's company ... not that it is up to me to care, necessarily (I mean, he only seems to when he can whip me with it). But, here's the thing: There are a few lessons that my Mama taught me, that actually stuck. One of them was 'if a job is worth doing, it is worth doing well'. That's some sage advise right there. This is the job I have. One of 'em, anyway. It is time to piss or git off the pot. It really isn't about 'him'.

The same can be said for my family unit. They are it for me. Everything in the world that truly matters ... and I'm fuckin' up. Maybe not "BIG TIME" fuckin' up (yet) ... but this is not the mother and wife I know I can be ... have even been in the not so distant past. If I did no other job well in my entire existence, this would be the one that counts the most. There will not be a do-over for me here. 

***Last night, after a very quiet New Year's Eve (and a few drinky-poos) my hubs and I had sex ... ON A THURSDAY NIGHT!!!! I could not tell you the last time that happened. How very, very sad is that? I don't want to be 'once-a-week'ers. I mean, I know that kids and schedules and blah blah blah all play a part ... but there is no real excuse other than we let them get in the way. D'is shit needs to change!***

So, I asked myself a few questions recently. Why, Bambi? Why you cry? Why you so sad and mad and sad some more? I spend an inordinate amount of time beating myself up. I am self deprecating and mean. If I was my own mother, I would kick my bully ass to the principal's office for expulsion. I feel weak, and alone (and yet surprisingly smothered) and like a big fat failure ... in every role I portray. I have managed to bury myself ... my essence.

I really don't want to do this anymore. I don't know how to fix it, though. There are physical changes that must be made. For starters, I need to find my way back to healthy. That is going to mean dedicating at least 4 time slots per week for meaningful exercise. I have a treadmill... I have resistance bands ... I have yoga, pilate, and cardio tapes & DVD's galore ... cripes - I have RICHARD FREAKIN' SIMMONS! I know how to eat, I know how to live in a healthier manner ... so ... uh ... why the hell don't I?? I found a book/internet download by a guy named Jon Gabriel. Now, here's a guy who makes some sense to me. If you are unaware of him, you can check him out on the internet. (No, I am not endorsing him for compensation) This makes sense to me. I am terrified to go on another diet. Every single time I do, I wind up gaining not only what I lost, but another 20% more back. Jon spends a whole lot of time on things like emotional triggers and stress (or more to the point, how to release it in such a way that it stops poisoning your body).

Wanna know something that is both funny and sad at the same time??? I have had this for a few months ... and have yet to put a single suggestion into practice... the hell?

Okay, so the moral(s) to my very long winded story here would be as follows: it is painfully obvious this will not come easy for me ... so we are about to see a feat of sheer unmittgated, unbridled, stubborn will... and you guys are gonna help me ... oh yes you are ... are too ...


Like it or not, you guys 'n' gals are a life line of sorts for me. A place where my masks are much less often utilized. It is from you, a group of ultimate strangers that I will usurp my will power ... why, you ask? Well, because it is you (as a group) that are privvy to my mask-less self. I realize nobody asked  for (nor likely wants) this kind of responsibility ... but that is just too damned bad. You don't have to do anything except what y'all have bin doing so far ... just be my brain spew recepticle. Das all. So that's it. K?

I hope your Friday/New Year's Day is going just the way you had hoped - or possibly even better. I feel better now, having shared this. I didn't even cry - look at me go.

The Dani-Clan

Doodle Bug 'n' The Bee aka Stretch 'n' Shorty

Ma 'n' Pa Kettle

 l-r Daddy Long Legs, Doodle Bug, The Bee, Dani-fly
                                                 The Dani-Clan (as Mark so named us)

This was the product of the afternoon I spent playing with my kids' craft stuff having craft time with my kids :)