Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009, Don't Go Away Sad ...

Don't go pre-fab ... Don't go be bad ... Don't go away mad ... Just go away (go away) Go Away & Stay Away!!! (For you Blondie fans out there)

Yeah, yeah ... I know I am supposed to be all nostalgic and reminiscent of my last year about this time ...  but - NOT!!

I have never been so happy to say so long to a year in my entire life! Buh-bye, 2009!! I'd say it's bin fun ... but it hasn't. I'd say you'll be remembered fondly, but you won't. How about this: it's bin a slice ... of HELL!!!

Before anybody jumps bi-peded down my throat for this post, hear this - I AM grateful that my family is very healthy. I am grateful we are together. I am grateful we have a roof over our heads ... VERY GRATEFUL. I thank whomever will listen for my babies and my hubs and for all of the good in our world , regularly - I do.

There is no part of this that is supposed to sound all 'poor me - nobody has it worse' ... or the like. There are people (many of whom I actually read) with mind numbing problems ... sick children and such. I can't even visit that idea ... I can't. I can scarcely cope with my kids throwing up ... rips my insides right out. I am weak where my babies are concerned.

What I can tell you is this: Financially speaking, this has been the worst year of my life. This has been a time of loss ... bankruptcy ... and an overall sense of panic, dread and worry. A year of saying: "No hunny, we can't go to McDonald's for supper because Mommy hasn't enough money"... "no, babe you can't go to the skating party this time" ... "No, we can't enroll you in any of the dance classes that your friends are in ... maybe next year..."  My children have started dialogue with one another that centres around 'no money'. It sucks ... ass... and I feel this constant sense of failure. Again - I totally realize I am super fortunate to have kids healthy enough to participate in these things ... but it is MY STUPID FAULT we are in this mess to begin with ... that is a chunky pill to swalla, let me tell ya. I know that I am my own worst enemy ... but how does that make it better? I can't escape myself... trust me on this - I have tried... and those drugs are REALLY expensive.

Also, there have been two people (this year) that have exited my life ... rather abruptly. Not due to their death ... just because I obviously didn't mean as much to either of them as they did to me. One of those people was my father (at some point, a post will follow on this matter - possibly on my 'other' page). The other shall remain unnamed. It would seem I demand far too much from my relationships for some to handle. I think they both suck ... ass.

Finally, there is the (not so) small matter of my ever increasing girth. sigh. I am vain, people ... far too vain to be FAT!!! How is it possible that I AM??? Changes need to be made ... of this, I am certain. I do not make resolutions ... not at New Years anyway. I think it is a sure way to set yourself up for failure. Ergo, a conundrum presents itself ... but changes are a comin' ... this much, I know.

As to looking for that ever elusive silver lining (though I must say, I do prefer the platinum...) here are a few of the positives from 2009 that I consider note worthy:

First and foremost, I discovered blogging. That really is a major highlight for me. This medium is very good for my overall mental state. It is a place that is just mine ... I do not have to share with all those who require pieces of me regularly ... Narci ... Stretch ... Shorty ... Hubs ... Gamma. It's MINE ... get your own...

This medium has introduced me to some pretty fan-fuckin'-tastic folks that I would never have met otherwise. I am humbled and thrilled to connect in this way.

Secondly, I have started reading again after a very long hiatus (birthing and raising young chickadees just isn't conducive to getting lost in a book). I am back with avengence ... about to start book 3 of the Outlander series ... it feels simply amazing to get lost in a book again. The catharsis of this is impossible for me to articulate ... y'all are bookies, so I'm not telling you something you don't already experience everytime you crack open a new book... but it's been like emersing myself neck deep into a warm, bubbly bath ... aaahhhhh.

Whadaya know, I have Eyvi to thank for both of these wonderous things. We seem to share a number of the same interests and she has been rather insistant that I stop depriving myself of these small joys. So ... Eyvi, you make spot number three ... though really that would land you in first place as the others would not be around for me to be happy about, if not for you. (Whew! talk about runnin' on ...) I am thankfull to have her in my world. Without her, I would be stuck in hell (alone) with no relief, nothing to read and no way to express my inner assasin.

I am also grateful that we (Hubs and I) made it through this past year. It wasn't easy,  it wasn't pretty and it sure as holy hell was not any fun ... but we made it! Booyah!! *does touchdown dance*

...oh ... and ... uh ... Narci remains unmamed... for now.

All in all ... as successful as could be expected. Soooo ... TYVM, 2009 for not sucking any harder than you did! I appreciate that.

With that, I bid you good evening. My vodka-cran-orange-n-sprite needs refilling and Hubs is busy entertaining Shorty.

Happy New Year, Bleeps (that's short for Bloggy Peeps).

I look forward to 2010. I'm ready! Who's with me??


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Turkey Coma Abated...

Okay - so I'm still kickin'.

The always enjoyable, never a bore, highly contagious flu-bug has trampled its way through my house. Stretch had it before Christmas and Shorty suffered through it yesterday. So, we missed Christmas Eve/Day and Boxing Day... that was good. Hubs had to go back to work on Saturday - so that sucked ASS. He's working New Year's Eve AND Day ... so that REALLY bites. I was hoping he'd get a little time off - alas ... no rest for the wicked, I guess.

Santa found us alright and our Christmas was quite lovely. The girls were crazzzeee excited. My sister actually came out on the "eve" and spent the night ... I was rather impressed, as her man was at his family's place ... I assumed she would be with him. It was good for Mom to have her here ... and my girls.

Not a whole lot of creative juices flowing today ... I'm still wiped out from Shorty's flu ... and our flu shots - which we all got yesterday. (Yeah ... poor Shorty got the H1N1 needle and then promptly got the stomach flu. She ralphed all over the car on the way home ... good times ...

I am rather happy to report I do not have to go back to work until Jan 4th. That makes my pants wanna git up and dance.

Until I have something with some sort of entertainment value ...


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Twas d'Night Afore Christmas

As promised ... I am sharing a publication of my hubs'.

This was written by Bob Youden

Twas d'night afore Christmas
Down 'ere in Newfoundland
An' dere was h'ice an' big snowdrifts
A plenty on 'and

Wit' d'kids, all a sleepin'
H'up stairs in d'loft
An' Mudder in d'kitchen
Cookin' h'up a big scoff

Den I was cuttin'
Some splits for d'stove
An' Mudder was bakin some bread -
Jus' four loaves

Wit' peas puddin' an' cabbage
Some spud an' carn beef
Jus' tinkin' about it
Sure t'will be a fine feast

Den down be d'warf
Dere arose some big clatter
I t'ought dat Garge Murphy
Fell h'off d'flake ladder

I runs to d'door
Like d'clap of a bell
Caught me toe on the rug
An' be jumpins' I fell

H'as I gawked in d'garden
And h'out on d'bay
B'y d'cat got me tomgue
I 'ad nuttin' t'say

I t'ought t'meself
Screech is alright
But a little too much
Will muck up yer sight

H'as me h'eyes came accustomed
To d'wind h'an d'snow
Is dis what 'tis like
When yer mind starts t'go?

I t'ought fer d'minit
Dat me noggin' come loose
But dere was a punt
Pulled by h'eight 'ardy moose

An' a fat little shipper
Wit a h'oar in 'ee's 'and
'e was scullin' d'punt
From d' h'ice to d'land

Den h'up tru d'garden
D'punt, she fair came
An' I 'eard d'red skipper
Call each moose by name

Now move along Brian
An' John an' Bill
Get up dere Mulrooney
To d'top of d'ill

An den 'ee 'ollered
To d'ones in d'front
Now Jerry an' Neil
Keep pullin' dis punt

To d'top of d'shed
An' den h'onto d'roofs
You could tell dey was h'up dere
By d'sound of d'oofs

Den h'over d'loft
Dere rose such a clatter
An' I t'ought what might 'appen
H'if dem moose was much fatter

I was feared fer a second
D'shingles might peel
From d'scrapin' an' scratchin'
Of d'big punt's keel

Den down tru d'chimney
D' h'ole skipper 'ee came
An' of course it was Santa
To use 'ee's right name

Den h'out in d'front room
A black cloud arose
D'soot looked like spume
From a whale when she blows

'Ee stood fer a minit
To size h'up d'place
Wit black soot an' h'askes
All h'over 'ee's face

I t'ought to meeself
H'as I gawked at d'man
What fine sealskin mittens
'Ee 'ad on 'ee's 'ands

An' glossy new gumboots
To cover 'ee's feet
I couldn't imagine
'Ow 'ee kept 'em so neat

'Ee 'ad a sou'wester who's color was red
An' dis 'ee 'ad perched on d'back of 'ee's 'ead
Wit' dem fine red h'oil skins like I never saw afore
Dat fitted too tight an' reached down to d'floor

'Ee's face it was worn
An' weathered an' wrinkled
But 'ee's sparklin' blue h'eyes'
Still 'eld to der twinkle

An' now when I looked
I saw naught but 'ee's back
H'as 'ee wrestled and juggled
D'gifts in 'ee's sack

Den to d'mantle
H'as 'ee lifted d'sox
H'apples an' h'oranges
An' small toys in a box

'Ee topped h'off each one
Fer d'garls h'an d'b'ys
Wit' a small bag of bulls eyes
An' small wooden toys

'Ee looked so 'appy
'An jolly an' fine
H'as 'ee took a great gulp
Of dogberry wine

'Ee tasted d'fruit cake
An' den figgy duff
Den 'ee spoke to 'eeself
"Dis sure is fine stuff"

'Ee tied h'up d'sack
Wit' a big granny knot
Den rested 'ee's 'ands
On d'top of 'ee's pot

Now to d'chimney
'Ee went wit a dash
H'as ee's h'eyes crossed d'room
Wit a flicker an' flash

Now sure I must say
Dat 'ee cut a fine figger
H'as 'ee slipped h'up d'chimney
Like a bright squid jigger

'Ee walked cross d'roof
Back to d'front
An' I feared 'ee might slip
H'as 'ee got in d'punt

D'ouse gave a shake
From d'roof to d'floor
H'as Santa took charge
Of d'big scullin' h'oar

Den down tru d'garden
An h'onto d'bay
Midst d'clammer of 'oofs
I 'eard 'im say:

'Tis another year gone
God bless you an' yours
May 'ee grant you ...
As you bend at d'oars

...a very Merry Christmas to all YOUSE

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Eve Eve...

Hullo bloggy peeps (or at least those few of you still stuck at work and unable to begin your merriment just yet).

Today is one of the 'sacred' days in my world. Today is Christmas Eve eve. It is the day before my favorite day of the year and the day before, the day before the favorite day of the year for most children in the free world. I say 'most' only because there seems a large amount of stoutly religious folk that do not celebrate the birth of Christ, but seem to join in with the more Pagan celebration. No offense was intended, only an observation from my tiny little corner of the pumpkin patch.

In commenting on one of my favorite blogs this morning, it got me to thinking. (I KNOW - right??? scairt me too) Many of us have blogged about the stresses of the holidays. Not to mention the additional strain that can be associated with cramming families into tight quarters with the expectation of making happy memories - only to (in many cases) fail miserably. It is a time when the ghosts of loved ones passed linger in the corridors of our hearts, leaving us nostalgic and missing them terribly. A time of year where the inability to be near those you hold most dear - whatever the cause .. be it war, distance or even a rift in your relationship - brings that sense of loss rushing to the surface. It's a mixed bag, for certain. Costs too much money, creates havoc in the 'routine' and often ends with many of us feeling like an overstretched balloon with all the air let out.

But - what about the magic? I can't claim to be an overly religious person. Honestly, if I had to stake my belief anywhere it would likely not be in a Christian camp. I try to teach my children the things I was raised to believe, namely because it is all I have ever known. I know what the 'reason for this season' is ... but I can not deny the magic. Those moments - so pure. Christmas Eve ... my angels sleeping in their beds after nearly having to drug them with 'growed-up' eggnog to get them there. Their excitement so near the surface, you can almost see it glowing just beneath their flesh. Caught up in a whirlwind of awe, childish greed and wonderment ... fueled by the excitement of family near and the copious amounts of sugar they had consumed prior to bed. The exquisite quiet that settles over the living room once Santa has come and the stockings topple with their burden. The glow of the tree and the spice scented candles illuminating the decidedly ordinary room on any other day. We'll sit ... if only for a few moments - me and the love of my life ... admiring the work we have done, enjoying some eggnog and each other's company in a sleepy fog... until we amble off to catch a few winks before dawn when our imps will descend the staircase and be drawn like moths to flame into the  land that Santa remembered.

I seldom sleep well on Christmas Eve. I revert to an excited child myself. The first Christmas with Stretch - I woke her up... early - she was only a week shy of turning a year old. My mother made fun of me for the next six months ... I think every year except last year, I have been the first to rise on Christmas morning. I'll get up and start coffee and tea ... perhaps make some eggnog. (It is possible that Shorty will beat me this year. She is so excited, she vibrates when the notion takes her.) If I am lucky enough to be first on the scene ... I will undoubtedly be whisked back to a time when life was seen not through the eyes of an adult, but through the eyes of a child. In my mind's eye, there will be a faint golden sparkle about the world ... thoughts of Santa and his helpers scampering around my living room the night before - dropping the light dusting of magic from their bags as they went about their work. I'll relive those mornings from so long ago when my biggest worry in the world was how soon my mom could get herself presentable so my sissies and I could pounce...

By then, if not sooner - I'm certain my children will have broken my revelry ... but even then ... to watch their eyes - big as saucers as they take in the results of all the hard won preparation ... it's for those moments of nirvana that I am most grateful. A few moments per year so powerful, they are reborn again and again. That's what Christmas means to me.

With that, I wish all of you a most happy and safe Christmas ... I wish you those moments - no matter how fleeting and it is my hope that you will revel in them as I do, refueling yourself for the next 364 & a half days until they come again.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Stickie Notes Tuesday - Holiday edition








 I forget to give props to Supah ... this is her gig ...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Holiday Cheer!

Whew! Survived the last weekend before the big day!! Barely

Poor Stretch came down with the stomach flu last night. It would seem she is on the mend now, though. Just spoke with Hubs and he says she's bounding back ... keeping food down & all. Just hoping the other little pimple doesn't have it for Christmas again. That would seriously suck.

Hubs and Gamma and I stayed up until after 2:30am Sunday morning wrapping pressies and drinking eggnog laced with Captain... mmmmm .... Captain.

I'm tired ... and lazy ... so I am coppin' out just a little with my Monday post. These are some funnies I have rather enjoyed ... so hopefully they will brighten your day.

I'm thinkin' that should be signed "Shorty"

This would be a Maritime Christmas Tree

THIS is why you need to PUT IT DOWN!!!

Self explanatory

Happy HalloChristeastergivingyear, Boyle




As IF - like those of us with kiddles have time on THAT eve.

Wascally Wabbit!

I guess that wraps my two cents worth for today. I hope to have the Newfoundlander's version of "The Night 'afore Christmas" for your reading enjoyment tomorrow.

Until then, keep yer stick on the ice.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

This was mine ...

Attn:  Billing Dept, Executive Department , President Ebay North America
Re : seller account sperry_wvu
Chat Session Number:  20866560

To Whom It May Concern,

I am appalled to hear that Ebay is not honoring their promise to waive all fees for a charity auction benefiting a little boy named Jaden Duttine.  Jaden is two years old and is sick with stage 4  cancer.    It would behoove Ebay's image to approve the reversal of all fees on this sellers account as promised and documented.   This  family is in dire need of the $453.70 in fees that Ebay might possibly take out of their pocket.

Further to the above, I have been an eBay shopper for a number of years. While I certainly understand that you (as a company) are not running a charity, and that there are fees incurred when selling using your service, this matter is completely different. This seller was assured these fees would be waived. The auction would never have occured on your site otherwise.

The negative press you stand to garner due to such a heartless decision will outweigh your meager $453.70 ten fold. Shame on you. I for one, will never darken your door again should you neglect to rethink your position in this matter.

On one final note, the seller in question is a blog writer - with a huge following. You, of all people should be well aware of the power the internet holds. I should expect your email inboxes will be flooded with similar sentiments - post haste.

In the spirit of the holidays, eBay should not only waive these fees, but as a symbol of their sincere apology for causing so much anxiety to this group of wonderful people - also make a contribution of their own to Jaden's cause. I feel certain most of you are in fact family people - do unto others.


(Danica Dragonfly)
Nova Scotia, Canada

Help Jaden - Fight eBay

Admittedly, I do not normally involve myself in many 'on-line causes'. This one is different. There is a 2 year old boy with stage 4 brain cancer that is fighting the fight of survival and attempting to kick cancer in its ass. The story is beyond heart breaking ... bordering on unfathomable for me as a mother to process. Should you have an interest in more information on his story, you can click here.

The reason for this post in particular is because the black soul-ed corporate machine that is eBay has reneged on the agreement it had with a fine lady by the name-o-Supah who whole heartedly threw herself (along with anyone she could carry, drag, guilt or push) into organizing and running an auction for this fine little man. eBay agreed to waive the fees. She has many 'chats' from three different eBay staff assuring her they would not charge the fees for this charity event. Supah would not have done it thru them otherwise... she has like a zillion followers all on her own ... and likely could have pulled it off on her own page.

eBay needs to waive these fees. End of story. Without enormous public outcry - that is unlikely to happen. We are talking about less than $500.00 here people. eBay will survive without it ... the Duttines on the other hand need every penny they can manage to help their son fight this ruthless disease.

I do not normally ask my readers to 'do' stuff other than entertain me :) with their comments ... and fluff up my ego ... and tell me I'm fabulous ... and make me feel better when I am feeling blue ... and ... oh hell - don't do it for me. Do it because most of you are parents and you are all human. This one little battle is something we can win for Jaden.

Should you be so kind as to sit your buns on this band wagon ... I would consider it a personal favor and your already lofty place in my heart would be eternal.

I have included all of Supah's instructions. You don't even have to write your own letter (though I am hoping some of you will - I'm lookin' at you Admin and Xtreme. We need some rage to come through to these unconscionable money whores.) you can simply copy and paste your way to super-stardom in Dani's heart.

Please throw your two cents into the ring.

Jaden's Aution

Here's what I need you to do.

 I NEED help broadcasting this story EVERYWHERE.  I am not waiting to be told NO... 2 weeks from now.   I want everyone to PUSH for these fees to be waived.

1.  PUT THIS STORY  ON YOUR BLOG- link it to this page please!  Here's the tiny url.

2.  TWITTER ABOUT IT- link it to this page.

3.  FACEBOOK ABOUT IT- link it to this page.

1.  email  ( here is a suggestion letter)    please include  ALL  emails i have listed below

a.  the first is just basic help
b.  the second is executive  department

Attn:  Billing Dept, Executive Department , President Ebay North America
Re : seller account sperry_wvu
Chat Session Number:  20866560

To Whom It May Concern,

I am appalled to hear that Ebay is not honoring their promise to waive all fees for a charity auction benefiting a little boy named Jaden Duttine.  Jaden is two years old and is sick with stage 4  cancer.    It would behoove Ebay's image to approve the reversal of all fees on this sellers account as promised and documented.   This  family is in dire need of the $453.70 in fees that Ebay might possibly take out of their pocket.

( your name)
2.  WRITE A LETTER if you prefer.

Jeffrey D. Jordan
President Ebay INC.
2145 Hamilton Avenue
San Jose, CA 95125

Re : seller account sperry_wvu
Chat Session Number:  20866560

Call:  The numbers are real.

President North America
Bill Cobb
( Receptionist)   801- 545 - 2276

Hani Durzy Media Relations Ebay

408-376 7458
Re : seller account sperry_wvu
Chat Session Number:  20866560

Sign up to follow me on Twitter

I will be tweeting HOW TO HELP via twitter ASAP.

These are news media organizations :  you can RETWEET to.

NBC  @nbcnews
CBS news  @cbsnews
Fox News @foxnews (stats)
Abc NEWS:  @abc
I have contacted ALL media news outlets and will continue to . 
I need your help please.  Thank you !

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thank You Very Much Thursday

Howdy all!

Here we are one week away from the bestest day of the entire year (or so I will keep telling myself). Christmas Eve holds this bizzare magical hold over my imagination every year. It is with this in mind, that I give you a very special TYVM Thursday, photo edition... okay, so there are only a few photos - each of which geared to insight jealousy over my spiffer-do decoratin' prowess (if you knows what's good for you ... you'll make a big deal - I'm the sensative type in case nobody's noticed) ...snort snort

TYVM squirrels, for neglecting to nest in this loverly tree whilst it lived in the shed of our last house. I was ascired to look, but all was well.

(This is my white lights ONLY dress up tree)

TYVM Santa, for giving me the suit off yer back ...
to cover my dining room table with during this festive season.        

(This is one of my most fav things for Christmas decor ... you can't see it, due to my inadequate photo-taking abilities -  but there is a white fuzzy trim all the way round)

TYVM L'il pine tree, for sacrificing your life so that this                       
family of ignoramuses could enjoy your beauty and pleasant
aroma-tude in the comfort of our own home.

TYVM Shorty 'n' Cooper-dawg, for providing some stellar      
(not to mention, rockin') Christmas tunage for our listening

Also ...

TYVM camera, for NEVER holding the correct date ... even though it gets changed and/or turned off every fureakin' time we use the silly thing.

TYVM weather, for reminding us all of your proclivity toward PMSing. Bad weather ... BAD BAD!!! Let me get you some Midol, shall I?

TYVM Narci, for not being here this afternoon :)

TYVM imagination, for crapping out before finishing off my customary 10 TYVM's ... oh heck - it's Christmas. Based on how little many of y'all are writing ... I'm not doing so bad.

...and so, I sign off once again with this small little helpful piece of holiday advice:

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Booyah - Bitches!!

I just really wanted to say that ... at least once.

So ... Saturday night was my 'big' holiday par-tay. It was a banquet put on by the national mortgage originator with whom our company is affiliated. Eyvi did not surprise me and show up anyway - BOO. Narci  and Barbie - Boop, on the other hand - did. BOO. They sat at our table. BOO. Narci is the "King of Kenzington" wherever he goes ... soooo Barbie Boop was mine to entertain all night ... did you know it was possible to drink yourself sober in the face of such adversity? Tis.

The party not only did not suck, I would be remiss if I did not give it at least a thumb and a half up (c'mon now ... remember who's writing this thing). They provided rooms for each of us at the hotel where it was held ... which meant ... drum roll, please ... A NIGHT AWAY FROM THE ANKLE BITERS!!! BOOHYAH! I would be fibbin if I said I did not enjoy THAT little perk. Plus I have two words for y'all ... O-P-E-N  B-A-R !!! Did I mention that free booze is actually my most favoritest kind ... evah. BOOHYAH!

The meal was good ... and did I forget to mention my other favorite thing?? Cheesecake ... aww yeah!! New York Style  mmmmm .... cheesecake. Yes, I am a fatty ... so what's it to you??

Say that to my FACE ... so I can sit my cheesecake-y arse on you 'til you can't breathe ... ya - that's what I thought.

Right, so on with my night. So "Gumby" (our regional sales leader) gets this bright farking idea that he should pass the mic around the room and everyone should (individually) stand up, say who they are, where they are from, and introduce their guest. Did I mention this was for FOUR provinces??? And while the mortgage industry has been suffering a long drawn out and agonizing death in these parts ... there were still plenty-o-boe-boe's that I had to listen to as they tittered their way thru their own introduction ... really - like I give a crap that your name is Marci ... and you work for Narci ... you are from Timbuck-too and here with your cousin Frank. SRSLY! The stupid thing finally came around to me and I said "it was an honor, just being nominated *pause* I'd like to thank ... myself - 'cause I did it alone!" ... and then I introduced myself and 'this very lucky man you see right here is Mr Dragonfly' and then, I passed the mic to Narci. He choked. Not for long ... but "Mr Kewl-dude in a loose mood" was rendered ... well not speechless ... but speech impaired. It was FANTASTIC!! He even forgot to introduce his woman ... BAH HA HA!! (I'm mean ... I know this to be true - and remarkably non apologetic too)

So Barbie was nicer to me that night than she's been in as long as I can remember. Guess she realized she was stuck with me and opted to play nice in my sand-box for a change ... 'course that didn't stop me from goofin' on her scantily clad, narrow ass all night. Skinny bitch! Fuck - I coulda used her to pick my freakin' teeth after the meal! We managed to bond over trashing Skankala from last weekend's party ... so it was all good in the end.

Toward the end of the night, Narci had what I now refer to as an "I love you, man" moment with me. No - NO!! No touching occured - Seeepus! No, like he would have with another staunchly hetero man ... I think that is the best description. He had been sitting with his back to me ... and at one point, he leans back so that he can see my face and sez ...

"thanks for comin', D"

Me: Huh? Oh, yer wel...come?

Narci: No ... I mean it ... thanks.

Me: K .... you didn't invite me, but yer welcome.
Narci: No ... you know ... sometimes us guys ... we don't say the things we're s'posed to say all the time...

Me: K - I'm gonna stop you there, Narc ... I am not prepared to start looking for another job just yet ...

Narci: Naw ... you and me ... we're goin' places. I can see it!

Me:  *Sideshow Bob shudder* Uh ... what's that? *looks over shoulder* you need me to come do some dishes?? Sure - on my way ... (to self ...the hell? K - he needs to change to water now...)     

Thankfully, all is right with the world of The Narcissus today. He is back to his old self serving ass fuckery and Dani can relax back into her comfy little corner of Hell inadequate and disposable as ever.

The weekend was fun, though. We even got our tree up and the last of our decorating complete. All in all, I'd say it was the best weekend I have had in as long as I can remember ... and it is also the first weekend in as long that my hubby was off on Saturday ... hmmmm ... wonder if that had anything to do with it?

Oh well - happy Tuesday

Holiday Fun

I'm playing along with Linda The Good Cook and Nancy from Life in the Second Half . . .

I hope you'll join in the holiday fun . . .

If you're reading this post, then you must: (or don't . . . I will love you either way!) :)

(a) leave a comment and answer the below 25 questions that Mandy made up,

(b) write the answers to the questions below in your own blog post, if you have a blog, that is.

or (c) call yourself a scrooge in the comment below and refuse to answer them.

I hope you choose (A) or (B) but if you choose (C) then I'll just let the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future deal with you. If you do decide to write your own blog post about it, please mention Mandy since she is the author of these important questions. (Writers credit and all that jazz - thanks!)

(1) What is your favorite Christmas movie?
A Christmas Carol. It's kind of a tradition to watch it.

(2) What is your LEAST favorite Christmas movie?
A Christmas Story ... the hell?? Acid trip, that.

(3) What is your favorite Christmas song?
I have two . . . Santa Baby and Oh Holy Night.

(4) What Christmas song(s) drives you crazy?
None I can think of. They only drive me crazy when my girls are singing them at the dinner table ... instead of eating said dinner.

(5) What is your favorite Christmas drink? (i.e. egg nog, hot chocolate)
Eggnog and Captain Morgan Spice Rum... or plain Captain and Pepsi ...  or my hubby's cologne in a pinch (kidding ... I'm kidding)

(6) What is your favorite Christmas memory?
So many ... neighborhood 'Santa' visit when I was in my teens ... The Christmas my hubby proposed to me ... Stretch's first Christmas ... the stoned stocking stuffing marathon ... Shorty's second Christmas

(7) What is the best toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
My engagement ring ... well actually more to the point, the proposal - he shocked the shit outta me ... never saw it comin'. (I underestimated his sneakiness)

(8) What is the worst toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
Shorty's stomach flu last year :(

(9) What do you LOVE about the holidays?
I love the decor ... the fairy lights (I don wanna hear about electricity here) I love the food, the drinks, the togetherness, the 'special feeling' you get when faced with all that Christmas up in your face ... but most of all ... I love the "magic" that is the best!!

(10) What annoys you about the holidays?
LED lights ... I'm sorry, but they just are not the same. 

(11) Do you prefer star or angel on top of a Christmas tree? Or something else?
My tree topper is an angel

(12) What is your family favorite recipe at Christmas?
Gumdrop Cake ... mmmmmmmmmmmmm

(13) Are you a Grinch or a Who at Christmastime?
Definitely a Who.

(14) Christmas light displays - Love them or Hate them?
Love them! The more, the merrier!

(15) Santas at the mall - Fun times or Creepy?
As long as he is not a pervy Santa - it's all good.

(16) Christmas cards - do you send them, yes or no?
Yeppers ... Dec 1st every year. 

(17) What is the best thing about Christmas, in your opinion?
Time slows down for at least ONE 24 hour period.

(18) What is the worst thing about Christmas?
I tend to feel more over-whelmed during the holidays.

(19) When do you put the tree up and take it down?
It varies depending on availability of time. It went up yesterday. Always comes down on New Year's day ... my daughter's birthday is the 3rd of January ... so Christmas MUST be gone for her day.

(20) Out of the 12 days of Christmas, which day and item would you want your true love to give to you?
Okay - tough question ... don't want anything that poops, so that eliminates every day except the 5th ... 5 gold rings it is ... although I would prefer platinum, I'd settle for white gold - K?

(21) Why do you think that Grandma got run over by a reindeer?
I think she faked her death and ran off with the insurance money.

(22) Who is your favorite reindeer?
Blitzen ... just on name alone ... lush? Me?

(23) Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Well, duh!

(24) What is your favorite smell at Christmastime?
Hmmm ... you read number 20, right? Love the smell of the evergreen tree. That is certainly at or near the top of my favs.

(25) What would make you happy at Christmas this year?
To have all those near and dear to me be happy, safe and not pissing me off in any way.

...and there you have it. Even more crap you could have lived the rest of your life not knowing about your friend Dani.

Ho Ho Ho...

Friday, December 11, 2009

Season Gotcha Down?

So, I've noticed that a number of people in (and in some cases, adjacent to) my world are feeling somewhat down and out. Not an unusual sentiment during this time of year. I have a few opinions about this (gasp - I can hear your shock from here).

It would seem there are a few different takes on the holiday season - or for the purpose of this post, Christmas. Some are humbug-ish by nature, some find themselves emotionally (not to mention financially) overwhelmed. Some use this time of year to take stock ... much of the time not really liking what they find.

Personally, I really love Christmas ... well, I love the romanticized idea of it. I love the magic that shakes its little fairy ass all over the kids ... the idea of togetherness and a general feeling of goodwill. The alcohol ... that could be my favorite part. The trouble I have with Christmas is that the idea couldn't be farther from reality if it lived on another planet... in an another universe ... and an alternate dimension.

It's a corporate, commercialized, cash cow - designed to empty your soul as fast as your wallet. All in the name of a tradition that we have managed to mangle beyond recognition. My kids sit in front of their little cartoons and what not and all I hear for the entire time is: Oooh I wish I had that .. oh and THAT .... mommy, mommy .... com'ere ... you gotta see THIS Ohhhhh I WANT IT!!!! Makes me wanna smack 'em upside their heads. And it is MY FAULT. I could vomit.

Don't get me wrong - we are Christmas people, baby. We have been likened to the Griswolds in years past.  AND - we are every bit as touched in the head when it comes to this season. My husband LOVES the idea of Christmas... each year, trying to top his last ... more lights, more tacky crap in, on and around my house than the one before. It's a little sick, really. We keep Christmas in plastic totes ... you know the ones I mean ... with the hinges and the 'chest-like' design? Yeah ... wanna take a guess at how many o' those puppies came up from the basement already? 9... that's NINE. This does not include my dishes, as they live in the cupboard over the fridge when not in use, the tree stuff (it is still to come) or the outside lights - as they were up before November ended (not on - just up). Nine, people. It looks like Santa's lab 'sploded all up in here. The sad thing is that every year, I set myself up for disappointment.

{If anyone is looking for some hypocrisy ... look no farther than the preceding two paragraphs - Speaking of OXYMORONS ... I can't help but laugh at the fact that my very own writing betrays me.}

I remember when I was in my early teens - our house was party central, especially at Christmas time. Don't get me wrong, my folks were not throwing bashes all the time, but when a party erupted (and they did )... it was really great. See, my mom was your usual kind of mom. She worked, she put up with a husband that was much worse than any teen could have been and she essentially raised two families - by herself. First me ... and later, my two sisters. She was uptight and stressed out and yelled - a lot. But at Christmas ... aww man ... it was divine ... heh - look at me all ironic. She and my step father put their holiday hats on and played nice. He was like Mr freakin' Christmas (once all the inconvenient work was completed - often by Mom ... or one of her slaves). Then the booze'd flow and our neighbors would pop by ... when the girls were really young, there was one of 'em that dressed up as Santa every year and did 'the rounds'. It was cool. Mom would inevitably start singing ... and all was right with the world.

I want that feeling back so bad, I can still taste the egg nog. I have not experienced it again since I moved away from home. Not that I don't psych myself up for it each and every year. It just always seems to ... well ... fall sadly short of my expectations.

Part of the problem is that although admittedly, I am an incredibly funny and oh so totally kewl chickadee (shudDUP - am so!!), I am socially stunted. I'm damaged goods ... rife with paranoia and worry over every teeny nuance. I don't know 'my place' in a friendship anymore. Take last year, for example - I wanted to try to force a little cheer. I planned a party ... a couple of weeks before the actual holiday. I ran the weekend by the folks that I had invited and most felt they would be able to come. Had everyone shown, it would have been rockin' ... only one couple  did ... and they were the ONLY folks that had a baby ... a six week old baby, I might add. They came though. I had 5 trays of jell-o shooters made... not to mention the copious amounts of food. Out of a possible 40 odd people, one couple showed. I was wrecked. I'm talkin' - cut down to my bones. In fact, the woman who has been my friend for 20 odd years ... and lives only a short distance away never even called to say she wouldn't be coming. It begs the question(s) ... do I have my expectations too high? Do I smell funny? (Well, I suppose y'all couldn't really answer that) Am I as annoying as I sound in my own head? Is it my kids? My dog? Hubs? Or do people just not really care anymore? I have been a 'no show' a couple of times. I call ... I will say that much. But (other than baby-sitting malfunctions) my reasons for not showing somewhere have more to do with my own insecurity than any other thing you could conceive. That would lead one to the conclusion that I cause my own misery ... aw man - I am waaay off track here - sorry.

What I have found, since becoming the grown up is that I put these incredibly unrealistic expectations on myself. I strive to achieve Martha-fuckin-Stewart-ness. Why Bambi? Why? I run myself ragged shopping, wrapping, carding, mailing, cleaning, cooking, decorating and oh, yeah ... working full time and raising a family. By the time the big day comes ... I am too tired to even pretend to enjoy it. (Holy schnappin' assholes - I've been researching craft ideas to do with my kids ... AS IF! I think I have a condition.) Christmas Eve is something of a chore, and yet year after year I tell myself it is my favorite day of the year ... I REALLY want it to be. We have our big dinner then. We attempt (and usually fail) to go to church. Then we have to wrangle our children to sleep - which let's face it, is tough on a night that DOESN'T herald the most magical pay off of a kid's life. After they FINALLY drift off ... well then the real work begins.

One of my best Christmas Eve's ever was when my girlfriend and her recently seperated hubby  (yeah - 'the' couple I had been a part of at one time) managed to get their shit together for the night and we were all together wrapping pressies and stuffing stockings. It was just the bestest night - evah ... mind you, I was fried outta my ever lovin' gourd ... but man it was a good night! This was prior to my hubs and I dating.

Perhaps that's all I need ... change out the mistletoe with some weed ... I'ma make it allllright. Damn kids ... spoilin' my fun ... stupid responsibility!!!

My plan? Well in previous years, it has been to drink. I usualy end up wound so tight that the slightest aggrevation will set me off like a big ol' ballon that has been recently un-knotted. This year, there will be no company on Christmas Eve. Gamma will be here, but I intend to prepare as much of the meal ahead of time as possible. I should have my gifties taken care of next weekend and when all that prep work fails ... I guess I'll just have to drink ... faster. OH GAWD - I am AWFUL. My poor kids. I want it for them, that magic ... I just have to find the balance. I'm running out of time - I need to find it soon.

I would say I haven't done much to solve anyone else's woes ... but pehaps just 'knowing' your misery has company ...? I really wish I didn't hear the old addage: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" echoing in my stupid head so often ... but it is painfully true.

I'll likely get a lashing for even saying this, but I want the 'religoius' experience. I want to give of myself ... like volunteer at a food bank or something of the like. I want to feel the goodness that Christmas is supposed to mean... and I want my children to experience that, too. I know that it isn't hard to find others in need ... what I find so hard is that I am geared to think in that old "me me me" way, I lose sight of the things that this season really stands for and honestly, that is what makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. A warm and tingly that Captain 'n' Pepsi just can't replicate.

On that note, I will point out that we have only 17 more sleeps until the big day. I think I forgot to spend the little bit of change under my couch ... should go have a boo and see if it is still there.

Bahh Broke-Bug!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Moving on...

Okay, so it is fairly obvious I was pretty tired when I wrote my last post. It has been corrected ... not that it really matters, but y'know.

Unfortunately, nobody got any video footage of the 'spectacle' ... sorry to disappoint. I don't really know why - everyone was texting everyone from different points of view ... odd. Apparently, Skankala's little 'buddy' was praple. As to her level of hot-ness ... unless someone actually set her on fire, I would say it was non existent. Let's just say she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence ... and leave it at that - shall we?

Moving on ...

I am in a rather strange mood today. Looking around at a few of my blog-buds, I notice that holiday depression is rearing its ugly-ass head. In honor of that, I think I will attempt a holiday edition of TYVM Thursday today. And with that, I give you:

A special holiday inspired edition of Thank You Very Much Thursday!!

TYVM Narci, for the lovely gift you bestowed upon me as is customary at our annual Christmas party ... oh ... wait ... scratch that - fuck you very much Narci, for NOT giving out gifts this year *blows raspberry in Narci's general direction*

TYVM pretentious pub where our shin-dig was held, for having my liver in your thoughts as you shamelessly watered down my only solice for the evening ... in doing so, however - you encouraged me to simply try harder ... and I rose to the challenge.

TYVM eBay seller, for sending me a dress that looks fat!!! 'Cause I KNOW it is not ME!!

TYVM Stretch, for stating (rather matter-of-factly, I might add) that Mommy's "going to get a ROCK in your stocking if you keep yelling at your kids this way!!!" Yeah - true story. Little shit ... if only she knew how close I was to telling her the truth in that moment ... Mmmmhmm

TYVM Shorty, for packing a bag during last night's snow storm and proceeding to 'move out' ... only to take one look out the door and re-think your position. That was worth a laugh and a half.

TYVM hubs' car, for up and croaking. Me to car: U R NOT a FROG!!! sigh

TYVM stupid effing military party, for being on the same night as the highly cool, away over night, with free liquor party ... thus taking my bud, Eyvi away ... sigh

TYVM tank of furnace oil ... for being empty - AGAIN!!

TYVM Stretch's Sparks leader, Butterfly - for planning the Sparks' Christmas party for the same night as the school's concert for the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. Grrr.

and finally ...

TYVM person that invented the 'gift bag' .... seriously! I adore this little invention. Easier to wrap ... easier to open, recyclable ... it is a marvel ... I tells ye!!

And so ... wrapping another edition of TYVMT, I bid you adieu (and yes, I DO know the dif between ADO and ADIEU ... I just forget sometimes when I am in a writing frenzy ... UMKAY??)



Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Can't Be a Good Sign ...

...that it has taken me three days to recover enough to be able to write about my staff party.

First, let me say that this year I did NOT do the techno-colour yawn into my purse. This is one of a very few positive notes, so I put a little check mark here ...

Beyond that, well ... I'm going to try to do this some justice. There is a teeny voice inside me noggin that is saying ... uh, Dani ... do you REALLY want these lovely people to know any more about the dysfunction that is your place of employment than they do already? I mean, really - have I NO pride?

Apparently not - lucky for y'all.

First off, the shin-dig was held at a pretentious little pub in a teeny little off-shoot of our home town. It was nice enough, but not at all an appropriate venue for the class of people we seem to employ.

First was the meal ... lemme describe the meal here: These puppies were like 36 bucks a head, BTW. The salad was a small little pile of leaves with a blop of what appeared to be salsa on top and a vinaigrette dressing. (My husband's remark was that he felt like a brontosaurus eating it). The meal ... well, the chicken was a breast from what I can only assume was a Cornish hen. I mean ... we're talking Calista Flockhart here. There were 4 carrot spears, one broccoli spear and roughly 10 pieces of diced up potato. The food tasted good, though my hubs was less than impressed (I have him bloody spoiled with what I cook). Then dessert was good. I had the cheesecake and hubs had the pie. It was tasty, but far from enough to sop up the impending alcohol storm.

Then, there was the 'presentation'. There were two plaques given out for length of service awards. The first to an agent that has been kicking around Narci for 10 years off and on. The second ... and he presented it like this: "The 2nd award tonight for long standing service ... and I can't BELIEVE it ... is ... Danica! She has been with me for five (long) years. I told him I wanted him to install a counter where it said five years ... ya know, so I could count off my sentence. 'Oh Dani ... you are such a kidder'

Barf!! Oh - wait ... there's nothing in there to come up ... perhaps just ... BURP! I am so tarnished that I can't even enjoy this. I mean - REALLY? A plaque? REALLY? I'm ruined. I can't even feign graciousness anymore. I'm broken, damn it! He broke me! This hole of hell has finally done broke me.

Next, Narci moved on to 'the draw'. Narci loves him his draw. First let me fill in a few pertinent details. There are ten employees of our company - plus Narci. Add spouses and you get 22 - right? Wrong! Why, you may (or may not) ask?? Well, because Narci suffers from delusions of grandeur - that's why. Mrs. Narci aka, Barbie-Boop has a small business too and all of HER staff had to be there. We lease some of our office space, to a real estate firm. He invited the owner and a couple of his favs from the agents...  plus THEIR spouses ... also, there are a few other 'associates' (you can insert your own opinion here) and not only their spouses, but their adult children and THEIR spouses. There were like 40 people at this thing ... all of which, Narci footed not only the food bill, but an open bar. In the 'draw', your name goes into the hat so many times and there are also prizes - like cash or gas cards. ONE of his actual staff won a gas card ... ONE. Tell me that makes any sense to anyone else. 'Cause I am stumped. Is it really so important to him to appear generous to outsiders that he will sacrifice the people that actually contribute to the bottom line? Yeah - I guess it is - because THAT is precisely what happened.

This is the same man that sat in my office Friday night and lectured me about how we need to get our volumes up. That we've done so poorly this year. (BTW that is code for - this is YOUR fault, D) The same man that has reneged on my commission every year since he instituted it. Not to mention the very same man that sat in my office last night and whined about how much money the party cost him ... uh DUH - MORON!! Does it not seem blatantly obvious to everyone else why that might be?

Then ... THEN things got real interesting. See, Dirk brought himself a little tasty to the party. She's his flavor of the week ... that has lasted for a month or so. To call this woman a skanky whore, would be insulting to skanky whores everywhere. This STD infected piece of slimy ex porn star was oozing grossosity from every pore (not to mention orifice). By this point, it was drunk... and LOUD ... and horny ... apparently for our fearless leader. During a period of time that Barbie-Boop was on the dance floor, Skankala had her hand(s) jammed snugly between ol' Narci's legs ... um hum ... from behind ... and I am fairly certain it wasn't cause she was cold, either. Apparently, what she had to say was exponently worse. Oh my EYES!!! I guess she was over at the other table regaling the other ladies about ol' Dirk's shortcomings as a lover, too ... kept mentioning her little buddy, the bullet. I'm thinking that based on her apparent 'looseness' she may want to invest in something with a kick start. Ewwww.

All in all, I guess the most positive things I have to say are that I did not make any sort of arse outta myself ... 'course even if I had, it would have paled in comparison. I didn't vomit ... and truly, watching Skankala molesting my boss was a test of sheer iron gut.... and I was in bed by 1:20. Not really a sign of a fab party, but it's over for another year. Meh.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I Can't Freakin' Comment!!

Okay ... I'm not real happy about this, people!!! I can't comment on my bloggy buddies' posts ... and this makes me cronky. (I meant to spell it that way)

So, Admin - even though I doubt you are reading anyone else's blogs today on account of your foul humour, I tried to comment - TWICE and the bitch wouldn't let me!!! And I was FUNNY DAMMIT!!!! DAMN FUNNY!

Your loss.... nope, it's too late. I'm in a shitty now and I'm not repeating myself for a third time!

But I love you ... and your foul-ocity all up in the pants!

Spot ... I typed a short story on yours, but only the once. The long and the short of it was this (in far fewer words than the original) : Your boys need to be whipped soundly (with a set of mini lights) and sent to bed with no tenderloin for them ... in stinky jammies and last week's underoos. You spoiled 'em ... but they need a wake up call. You are their goddess ... they best start some worshipin'.

Oh and I bragged for seventeen lines about the awesomeness that is my Christmas house. But if I ever actually get it clean apres-decoration I will provide pics ... of which, you will be insanely jealous!! :)


Now then enough about me ... what do YOU think of me :) snort snort.

Hmmmm lessee now ... oh yeah! A riddle for you: What's super awesome, funny as hell, has a boss named Narci and no rent money in her hand for the SECOND month in a row?

Who said EYVI??!!!

Need a hint? How 'bout this ... I'm thinkin' about makin' her some extra sweet cupcakes ... with all the 'special' ingredients.

I'm not sure if this twit is super brave or super stupid, but I am seriously considering some bodily harm. sigh.

That's it for tonight. I had a Narci story to tell, but I am just too cranky now after my blogging mishaps to really put my back into it ... perhaps tomorrow. It's Thank you Very Much Thursday ... perhaps I can dedicate one to Narci ... hmmm.