Platitude Paradise

I'm sad. I'm also possibly in the process of passing a kidney stone. Not entirely certain, but I've ruled out bowel obstruction (which I have experienced before) and based on my symptoms, kidney stone fits. The other option is much less appealing, so for now I won't mention it.  This morning, I came downstairs to make my coffee. It's my normal routine. I can't say I was feeling great, my abdomen was bloated and sore. My back was crampy... like really bad period cramps, or maybe more like early labour. I walked across my kitchen to feed my fish, and while I was standing by the counter, this searing pain came up out of nowhere. I got instantly hot - like drenched in sweat, hot. I was dizzy, my nose was tingling and the edges of my periphery were all sparkly. I knelt down on the floor, because I knew I was going down... and my vision went black.  The next thing I knew, I was on my side on the kitchen floor and I was vomiting. Was a tad on the scary

My kid cracks me up. ...when I don't want to smother the cranky out of her, that is.  The "Pubening" has been a little rough with this one. The other one already had a wide berth when she hit the bitching age. Oh twelve, you evil whore! She threw tantrums for the better part of a year. Screaming, screeching tantrums... and she told stories at school about how her best friend died in her arms. That was the year I moved them from the Valley We knew well in advance we were screwed with Stretch, but Shorty? Geez... let us have Shorty, Morty. She comes to the dinner table tonight with a face of DIE! DIE! DIE! Of course, her father can't just leave her the flying fuck alone... nooooo! He's gotta POKE the wolverine. Easy for him to do, he's leaving in twenty minutes for the night.  Argh. Tonight, I have to give him credit, he turned her. It came when I said: "for the livin' love of Christ, darling... can ya leave the little demon spa

I am, you know... in a couple of different iterations, too. Like, my world is very small, my expectations are very low, and it takes nothing to entertain me , simple...  only need to be heard to leave a battle , simple, and if I am touching you 'not for the purpose of killing a stingy bug', I want sex , simple. Problem is, I'm another kind of simple , too. The dumb kind. I'm avoiding washing my floors right now. The reason behind that decision likely isn't what normal people might think. It's because in order to mop, I have to vacuum and my big fat cat is snoodled up on the couch in a patch of sun, and I just don't have the heart to disturb that kind of happy , simple. My house is almost clean. Or at least as clean as it gets. My counters got stripped off and bleached today. My sink got bleached and scrubbed - a necessity when there are tea and coffee drinkers in the house. I cleaned out the front closet and the hooks at the front door. I e

...better not take my eyes off of you. Sigh. I done stepped right into a spider's web today, folks. Don't have a clue how to handle it, either.  I really like my boss.  I truly do. Do I think she would throw me under a bus? Oh Hell yeah.  I mean I get it.  She has to look out for number one - her position makes like two and a half times what mine does.  But it sucks for me. I got sucked into a drama that has been going on in my immediate vicinity for some time. I wish I didn't know about it and I do NOT want any part of it... but that doesn't seem to protect me from being thrust right onto the chess board. Right smack, dab in the center.  The go between.  The unwitting telegram. Fuck! I felt like Typhoid Fucking Mary today! There is no way this ends well for me. I'm not cut out for politics.  I surrender.  I do not know how to play both sides of the fence, and I don't know how to make this stop.  The

I am not the best at erecting appropriate boundaries. Never have been... and I fear I never will be. I'm a nice person. Mostly, I think. I don't mean to say that I am never a dick, or a bitch, or whatever epithet you prefer. Know that I can be.  From a day to day point of view, however, I'm what you'd refer to as a 'nice lady'. (Unless I am under-medicated and behind the wheel, then I am Cruella Devil on speed.) I don't intentionally make people feel bad... quite the opposite, really. I would say I'm more like a cheerleader, much of the time. The nice chic in the line up that compliments your make up, or sweater, or sense of humour.  I'm a good girl.  A good mom, wife, friend, and employee. I'm the one that actually would be there when you need me. For real. I'm authentic, honest and kind. But also funny, bad as hell, and at least intelligent enough to hold a conversation. I don't stand on ceremony.

I'm in a very strange mood. I feel disappointed, angry, annoyed, embarrassed, relieved and hysterical all at the same time. I feel let down. It didn't take a long time for me to spill my guts to my boss today.  She didn't react in a way that made me feel better.  She is, however, looking for another job.  We had a surprise visit from our VP and the Chair of the golf committee this morning. That has literally not happened in the past nine months working there! I nearly vomited at my desk.  They asked me about how I found the tournament. I'm actually not a very good liar. I can omit info like a champ, but if someone asks me direct questions... let's just say it's not tough to tell there is more to the story. I passed it off as 'it just wasn't what I had expected'... but I flushed hot. I know they are in possession of information. They were looking for confirmation from me, I think.  The Chair's ex-wife is Greasy's

It is physically painful to me on the days that I realize just how truly naive I can be. I'm sure I mentioned previously that I was nervous about a guy that was on our golf committee. Nervous enough that, at the time, I asked my husband to arrange time off, so he could meet me at the hotel the night of our event.  Since that time, I managed to talk myself out of my original instinct, but being the good doobie he is, Hubs had still kept his night free. He met me in the city of our tournament for the evening festivities. We were housed at the Casino, so there was plenty for him to do to keep himself busy while I entertained the troops... and I stand behind that description because I felt somewhat like a USO girl. I had been allotted close to an hour to get myself from the golf course to the hotel, have a shower and get prettied up again before heading back down to the evening reception. I took that opportunity to slam back a couple of drinks. My hubs caught up to me ju

Tonight, I really want to write.  I can't seem to think of anything appropriate to say... this is a problem I seem to be having. Only inappropriate things come to mind. Back when I was still under the care of mental health professionals (...I really wanted to type something saucy or self-denigrating about my 'shrink' ... it's people like me that do the most damage to the 'mental health awareness' cause. I need to stop that.) I was told to write even when I couldn't think of anything to say. Even if it had to be "I don't know what to write"...  My kids both seem to be okay with their respective schools, teachers and friend groups.  *wipes brow*  Thank fuckity fucknards!    I gotta tell ya, I was sweatin' on Wednesday when they were headed back for their first days. I had to leave. The tension was suffocating. I kissed them both on their rotten little heads and told them I 100% believed in them... and I left. I have t

The sky just opened up outside. I can hear the thunder rolling across the water.  There is likely only one or two other sounds I love as much or more than rainfall.  The ocean, for sure... and maybe crickets.  Of honorable mention, I would say that the sound of snow falling on a dead still, crystallized winter's night makes the top five.  My daughter is sitting on the couch on the other side of the room from me and she is chattering away like a Capuchin monkey. Seriously, between the two of them, I haven't had a moment of peace since Tuesday. Last night by 9:00, I was so exhausted, I faked a sick tummy and went to lie down. It threw them off for all of a half hour, then... one at a time, they all found their way to me... two cats, the dog and both kids. I'm beginning to think I have a magnetic quality. I had one cat and one kid on the bed... one cat on the dog's bed, the dog on the floor, and one kid pacing...  I had to actually get up, button up

Here's a question for people smarter than me: How do you respond, when your female fifteen year old asks if her lesbian bestie and gay guy friend (who up until recently was considered bi-sexual) can spend the night? My first reaction was 'no'.  My husband chimed in and said "we will discuss it, your mother and I, and get back to you". I feel I need to fill in a little backdrop. It was 10:30 at night, we were sitting outside by a bonfire with Shorty (who really isn't very short anymore) and Stretch had been locked in her cave on Skype with said friends. The invite was for the following night. I gave him 'the look', but then instructed Stretch to allow us privacy to 'discuss it'. She started to stomp away and I reminded her my answer was currently 'no' and that attitude from her part was unlikely to help her cause. We did discuss it (when Shorty went to bed)... for two hours, actually.  We talked about the fact