Heroine or Cautionary Tale - Who Decides?

How does one gauge where they fall in the 'decent human' spectrum?

I mean I'm not a 'good' person, but I think I could pull off 'okay' person most days.

I'm 'nice...ish'... well, I have pretty language.

I don't wantonly hurt people, though I do still hurt them now and then... even though I really really really never mean to.

I don't go out of my way to grow the greater good, either. I mean I have gotten involved in charitable activities, but it isn't habitual. Even though it makes me feel wonderful... I just won't put myself out there. It's like I'm shy or something... and I know I could fake that if I needed to. I simply do not.

I usually come through for my people when they need me... although I'm rapidly running out of people.

I'm currently typing this whilst balancing a cat on my right arm... you know as to not disturb his personage... 'cause I'm that girl.

Seriously... how do I know if I'm alright or an asshole?

I really don't know I'm an asshole, if I am. 

And not that I really want anyone to call me one... I'll cry, for sure... but I actually need to know now. 

Am I?

An asshole?

And... what happens if I am? 

Do I have to figure out how to not be an asshole, or do I throw up my hands and start singing Denis Leary? 

I spend an inordinate amount of time worried about how I am perceived. 

It's tiresome, honestly... but there you have it... if I don't worry about these things, who will? 

Being liked is of utmost importance to me... even people I don't like can't not like me... It'll drive me nuts(er)!

I work with someone as bad as I am - though not quite so 'authentic' as one might call me - for saying too much. I have shared far more than I should've with her. 
I can feel her judging me by times. 
I usually don't let it bother me a great deal, but I know when she's looking down her nose at me. 
Don't get me wrong -  I know all sorts of nasty little tid bits about her, so I guess it works itself out in the wash. 

We both kinda suck in our own special way.

Perhaps that is the point of it all...

Perhaps we all have ugly bits... and pretty bits... and different people perceive these bits through different perspectives. 

It works out.

Some days I think I'm doing okay. 

I think I have a handle on parenting and marriage and friendship and daughterhood... and then I wake up to reality and realize I'm one prescription away from being a pharmaceutical company, my 'stick-to-it-ive-ness' can be credited to constant numbing, and my only success has been thanks to dumb luck.

I worry on the regular about the day my kids realize I'm a disaster... if they don't already have an inkling. 

At the end of the day, I guess the only thing separating a heroine from a cautionary tale is where she is in her story, right?

I imagine if you can survive long enough, eventually you'll persevere. 

So this is me... not dying.

...

D-Out