Thursday, May 17, 2012

Chronicles of Narcissus: A Circle Has No End ...

Or does it?

Okay ... okay - I have not written in an awful long time. So.Much.Has.Happened. It is a daunting task even to organize what I want to say. Here goes ...

- a phone call comes to the house informing my husband that we are being investigated by the Department of Community Services for (get this) child abuse. Although, I don't believe they actually said as much on the phone ... we were informed that our attendance was requested at the office of said organization the next morning. Upon our arrival and reception, we were informed that there had been a complaint lodged back in November that had originated from our Stretch. Apparently, she was complaining about how her father hits her in the face.

I don't think I need to use my words to explain how ridiculous this accusation was/is. I also don't think it necessary to bother explaining how devastating this experience was for me. I doubt I stopped crying for more than an hour for nearly a month. I could go on ... and on ... and on ... about this experience, but there is so much more to tell, so in the interest of time (mine and yours) I'll fast forward. We were assured the file would be officially closed, and I am still waiting for the letter that states as much.

- Narci calls me into his office one Monday morning so we might have a "talk". Business had been abysmal (to put a positive spin on it, honestly). I mean ... nobody had been working. Not on mortgages, at least. Tweedle Dum had been busy proving me right as to his overall 'worth' on the team. Honestly, a lazier human being beyond the age of 10, I never care to meet. Sweet whistlin' JEEZUS!! This guy is the biggest waste of skin in which God ever stuck a handful of guts... and here Narci's been paying this useless turd what I have been making for the past 8 freakin' years ... but I was being irrational in my lack of overriding joy at his installation in our office - what IS the matter with me, anyway? (Do I really need a sarcasm font? I mean if I am typing, I think it is safe to assume said font)

Anyhoo - back to "our talk" ... Narci brought me in to tell me that some changes needed to be made and he was starting with my rollerskate car. Now, I'm not sure if ever you have experienced a moment when there is an audible shift inside your brain ... it was like playing Tetris. The piece slid in and suddenly, the field cleared and answers just presented themselves. I like to believe that, had someone been listening for it, they'd have actually heard the decision being made. Oddly enough, I was not angry ... not at all. In fact, I believe the prevailing emotion of that moment was ... relief. I mean, the comedic fodder notwithstanding ... the man owns in excess of $400K in high end, miscellaneous vehicles, and the one he is going to sell (due to his need for money) is a $3000 piece of shit ... but you know, I digress.

I don't remember sliding into my big girl panties, but the next words I heard, came out of my mouth ... "Perhaps it is time for some more drastic changes". I followed that up by blaming my personal situation and the fact that I had been emotionally "done in" for such a long time that I was no longer what my position required. (Yes, I know that there is a mountain of reasons why I would wish to escape - pronounced "ess-kap-ay" - that place, none of which had ANYTHING to do with my overall performance, but I needed to leave on good terms and the only way to do that was to make it seem like Narci's brilliant business acumen had come shining through the murk of the current situation and acted accordingly ... and I threw in an opportunity for him to feel like Captain Super Fantastico Bossman, and save me from my sorry self. I'm swell that way.) I suggested to him that he consider restructuring his mortgage department, and (in an effort to expedite this story by cutting out the following three conversations it took to convince him of the necessity of action) that if I was to be laid off, he could re-staff with a commissioned person and save himself the king's ransom that was my salary. (OMG - that actually caused me pain to type)

He bought it! My Record of Employment was prepared, stating I was laid off, and on March 23rd, 2012 - I left the office for the last time as an employee of Narci Incorporated and began my new position as full time CEO of the Dragonfly family.

Can You Fucking Believe It? I DID IT!!! I'M FREE!!!!!!!!! (Really, are there enough exclamation points available to express this sentiment?)

Here's the thing, though ... 'member Bambi? You know, the one that replaced Cranky McB? Well ... I didn't want to develop any relationship with her, but once her "Bambi bubble" was burst, well ... she became a person with whom I could commiserate ... and now I feel guilty for leaving her. I also have a constant source of information regarding Narci-Henge, Minion and Narci boy himself. Not sure if I might feel better if I did not. I can't decide. It is certainly safe to say that I have not yet decompressed. That place took a great deal from me and departing so ignominiously (no parting gifts ... no party ... hell, Narci wasn't even THERE my last day) has left me with a strange mixed bag of unresolved emotion. I will say this much; I am so relieved to be away from him. My health has improved significantly. My hair has been growing back in with wild, curly abandon - I have been getting lots of exersise - the fun kind (you know ... walking outside, doing yard work, playing with the kids ... sex with my stud-muffin ... the good stuff) My stress level is lower than I can ever remember it being - not non-existant by any means, but visably reduced fo-shizzel. I can't think of any better way to describe this scenario than to say it was like leaving an abusive marriage. He didn't want me to go - even though the writing was already on the wall in neon paint - and I was experiencing ... GUILT. Go figure. I don't think I could aptly name the way I feel at present ... but I can assure you that no matter how much Narci thinks I'll come crawling back, he is wrong. I will sell this house and move out West before I would lower myself to that. But there is a quagmire of poop and cah-cah that I must sift through before I am ready to make any major decision regarding my career going forward - and I think I'll start with a rest and then follow that up with a change of vocation. 

But that is for future pondering.

- Stretch has been getting some help from a psychologist. I was catapulted into action after the whole DCS intrusion and started pulling "professionals" into our circle. I went to my doctor (back in Feb) and informed her that I needed a favor. I had been a patient for 20 odd years and had never before asked, but that I needed for her to throw her weight around in the medical community and get some help for us, post-haste. She did, and we have an appointment with the Children's Hospital group on July 4th. This will be good. There is a great deal of help available from them. Both for us as parents and for Stretch in particular.  In the meantime, she has been seeing a private psychologist. This has been a big expense and up until our last appointment, I was of the feeling that is was a necessary one. I have since changed my mind. He came back with a diagnosis of "early onset bi-polar disorder". So ... he's dead to me now. Too bad, too - 'cause I liked him. He's not only barking up the wrong tree, he's not even in the right kind of forest. I read up on the disorder (you know, BEFORE I told him he was full of shit) and she doesn't exhibit even ONE of the characteristics of the bloody disorder. I mean, she is the least depressed child I have ever met ... and though I will admit she has stints of mania, they are short lived .... tantrum like, in fact. Do we diagnose all tantrums now as bi polar disorder? Can't squeeze her into ADHD, so it must be bi-polar? Fuck that. Do you know what the treatment is for children her age with this disorder? Lithium. Yeah - you heard me. FUCK THAT!

So ... we wait.

In the meantime, we have met with the school (again) and are preparing to put a formal report together from them and their psychologist to take with us to the IWK (hospital). There is a psycho-educational assessment that they do there that essentially breaks down how best to teach the child in question - both from the educational perspective as well as the parenting side. It is bloody expensive, but if we get a referral from the school and my doc (which is already in) we have the opportunity of having it paid for by MSI. So, that is my current plan.

I am happy to report that Stretch has made great strides in improving her overall attitude since I started being home. She has a more focused line of attention (from me) and without the constant downward pressure of my occupation, I have a great deal more patience for most things. It's just so.much.better. Shorty, on the other hand has opted to change her M.O. and started acting more like her freaky-outing-whiny-tantrum-throwing sister. That is special on many levels. Oh well ... I suppose it couldn't be all sunshine and lollipops - right?

We are now counting down to Summer vacation. I need to put some plans in place for the girls. I will need to keep them busy or they'll drive me back to work. Since my exit from the working world, I have cleaned closets and cupboards, refinished a bathroom - and am about to start another, made a dent in the basement, started the plan to re-side the house and done a pile of outdoor work. The house is always clean and laundry done BEFORE the weekends come, so I can focus on doing fun stuff with the kids on their days off. It's remakably good - over all. It's amazing how smooth life really is without other people and their bullshit agendas dictating one's mood and level of give-a-shit and generally getting in the way of your life.

I am still somewhat of a seething mess, but we are in clean up mode and this is going to be the Summer of Dani. Ima do some fixin' up ... all over. Then, in the Fall I will either go back to school, start my own business or find a MUCH better J.O.B. Until then I have my mother to deal with (who is still living here without monitary contribution - but THAT is a rant for another day), Stretch and Shorty to entertain through the Summer months and a house to get ready for a less expensive Winter ... or for sale. Not sure which just yet.

Sorry I haven't been checking in on my bleeps. I have been in a really weird mental space of late. I am going to make it a priority to check in on everyone and maybe even try to write more often - it does seem to help me when I do.

I've missed many of you. I hope to reaquaint myself with your lives very soon.