I have been waffling between hiding from reality ... reality being the miserly whore that has been this February (which incidentally for me began on December 27th) and being stupid busy beginning what I am banking on being my future - my business.
On Thursday last week, I was officially signed on to the "SEB" program. This means I continue to receive a stipend from Employment Insurance while I get my 'concept' up and running. In order to be accepted, I had to jump through a number of hoops and fill out a great deal of paper work. I was also asked to write an autobiography. My counselor was a little apologetic asking this of me ... boy - does he ever NOT know me. That was the best thing he could have asked for where I am concerned. Honestly, I never really thought in my heart I wouldn't be accepted. I talk a good talk. I am as persuasive as hell when I want to be. Now all I have to do is put my money where my mouth is.
There's a conundrum. I can plan with the best of 'em. But now the planning phase is over. Now, I have to actually put the plan into action. I have been called a 'verb' in the recent past ... not really in an overly complimentary way, either. Action should be easy for me, right? Wrong. Well ... let me clarify that: Action isn't an issue as far as completing a task goes, I'm all good there ... it's the marketing. Oh GAWD! How I hate marketing!!! Especially myself.
I am great at planning the work. It's working the plan that seems to bite me on the bum. Always has, really. Now I am scared. Like shaking in my drawers scared. I am so afraid to fail at this. I have said again and again that I have never been paid what I am worth ... now I have a chance to prove that - or not. Really, I know in my heart that as far as doing the actual work (organizing people, that is) I am golden. I can do that shit asleep. It is such a natural thing for me ... it's just getting the work.
So ... the business is organizing people ... or businesses. I pained over names for a very long time and rejected a number of them. In the end, the name I have chosen to register has meaning for me both from the perspective of what I will be offering my clients, but also personally ... meaning the messy life I seem to lead: Chaos Interrupted Organizational Services.
By the end of today, I should have the following completed: My registration paid for and in my possession, my new cell number and my business cards designed and ordered. I am working on my website, but may have to finish it tomorrow. My plan is to have all this creative stuff finished and ordered/launched/printed by week's end. I have a flyer to finish designing and get printed. That way, next week I can focus on getting the word out. I have a small list of businesses to visit ... businesses that have worked with me in my previous profession: lawyers, realtors, other mortgage brokers ...plus a couple of locals that I have run the idea by. I plan to gift a few of them an hour of my time in exchange for their personal referrals to their clients. I also plan to visit a few of the senior facilities and leave some flyers there ... for seniors who need to downsize into assisted living and such. I may also ask for a referral from my ex-bosses (the last two at least) just vouching for my work ethic and trustworthiness.
I guess what I really need is to just get a job or two. That will get my confidence up. I have to be honest, I really don't want to go back to work. Not because I haven't been working all along ... just not getting paid for it, but because I associate "work" with bad bosses. I need to get over that crippling thought - because it is not going to help me succeed. I have been railing against this time for months ... worried that I don't have what it takes and getting myself all frothy at the mouth. I really am my own worst enemy.
I can't allow myself to become negative. I NEED to be annoyingly positive for a while ... just to get the momentum up. I am certainly annoying, but I wouldn't necessarily add "positive" to the end of that ... especially while trapped in this 'wednesuary' of a month. Have I mentioned how much I detest February? Okay ... so I can run this month down while still formulating plans ... but next week is March and just like the name suggests, "March" is an action month. I need to hit the ground running ... or at least moving steadily forward.
On the personal front ... we are STILL struggling with our 'bisitors'. (sigh) I pulled 3 live bugs and a couple of freshly hatched critters off Stretch (who is now 5 feet tall, btw) last night ... but no new nits. Shorty seems to still be clear ... for now. You know in my entire lifetime ... including 2 years as a hair dresser, I had never encountered the little fuckers ... until now. Seems as though the universe is making up for lost time. We have tried pretty near EVERYTHING: Mayo, pesticide, treemenda (homeopathic solution), tea tree shampoo, raw tea tree oil, heat (from blow dryer), shampooing every day - you name it ... at the end of the day, the only thing that seems to hold them at bay is daily, manual removal. Good times!
My doctor thinks I may be low level bi polar. I don't agree, but I do trust her. She made me give up my new found "mama's little helper", which for those of you who do not know already, is a green substance that can be ingested either by inhalation, ingestion or by vaporizer and is WONDERFUL! But apparently causes "bitchy" and exacerbated 'low mood'. I don't entirely agree there either (although the bitchy makes sense) but as I said, I do trust her ... so I'm listening - cautiously. Hubs' business continues to allow us to just barely (though not quite) scrape by. God love him ... he really is my prince, you know. It's gotta be some kind of stressful pulling this particular wagon load of shit around ... by the throat. Oh well ... we just need to make this new venture a screaming success! We can do it, right?
Anyhoo ... I really have to go and pull a few chunks of my hair out while attempting to design my own website. Have a look at the end of the week. It should be live by then: www.chaosinterrupted.ca