Thursday, October 27, 2011

Family Photo Sneak Peek

Hey folks ... thought I'd post the half dozen "sneak peek" pics that the photographer posted on FB today. I should have my entire package in another week or so.

I'm pleased. She does really good work. Here goes ...

Stretch the Magnificent

Shorty the Manipulator

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Time to "Mom-Up"

Well ... nobody ever told me being a mother was going to be easy. In fact, most everyone I knew was adamant regarding the rigors of parenthood. I scoffed (quietly, of course). I figured bigger idiots than me have been raising kids for centuries ... I could handle it.


Yeah ... you heard me ... I said "P'UH!". I may or may not have been overheard saying things like "ACK!" ... "GULP!" ... "UGH!" ... and worst of all ... "Do you want me to give you something to cry about?!".

Nope, nobody said it would be easy ... but did I listen? Nope. *forehead palm* .... stupid-stupid-stupid-stupid.

We are muddling through Stretch's 'issues' at school. Really, it isn't so terribly bad. The school psychologist meets with her once a week for a few weeks and then we'll have another conference with her the first week of December. In the meantime, we are encouraging Stretch to be involved in various things. She has done incredibly well at Cross Country. Has even learned a thing or two about humility (which won't hurt her any). She continues with Dance - though they are so busy in that she doesn't have time to interact with the other kids. The biggest suggestion was for us to encourage play dates and the like.

So ... I decided I would throw a Halloween party for both girls and two (each) of their friends. To my immediate surprise (and pleasure) Stretch asked for one more ... so I increased the number to three each.

We have planned our little soiree for October 30th from 1 - 4pm. I have big plans for this bad boy. First, I will put the girls (and I insisted the guests be girls) through a quick assembly line. I have invited my sister and my 'sister from another mister' (who are both nut cases and love Halloween) to assist me with the festivities. I have sparkly purple fake eyelashes for each child ... along with face paint (with which, I will paint their eyes to look like butterflies) and I bought each of them a feather boa to wear. So first, they'll be outfitted and make-up'd. Then, after everyone arrives, I have a tee-shirt craft that we'll be doing. I already have T's for each child ... and Tee shirt paint. I have a great little idea for making spiders on webs. It's easy. It's messy. They'll love it! They'll (of course) be able to take their T's home ... and will have a reminder of the party for a long time. (<-- see what I did right there??)

Then, we'll break for some "horror deurves". I have some really cool stuff planned for this, as well.I have black cherry punch with a gummy bug laden ice ring. I have "spider bites" - which are tooth picks with a tiny plastic spider attached that skewer a chunk of apple and a caramel square. I have Spider cookies - which are made with chocolate covered chow mien noodles for legs and a round ball of chocolate rice crispies ... and little candy eyes. I have "Frankensien's Brain" cookies ... which are essentially sugar cookie batter - pushed through a colander and then scooped up to look like little brains. And finally, I have veggies stix cut to look like rotten teeth ... with dip.

After some refreshment, I have got some seriously cool games planned. I have "Pumpkin Bowling" ... which entails using 6 2 litre (empty) pop bottles and taking a small roundish pumpkin and pulling off the stem ... then letting the kids bowl with them. Next, I have "Guess the Monster Parts" ... so this is a blind 'touch' game. There are 11 items inside different boxes (with a small hole cut in the top). The kids put their hands in and guess which part of the monster they are feeling. I have cooked spaghetti for hair, peeled grapes for eyeballs, I actually found gummy brains ... they are truly disgusting, stewed tomatoes for hearts, dehydrated apricot slices for ears ... it goes on and on. I figure I'll give each kid cards with each part on it and that way, they'll at least know what they are looking for. The main idea is to gross them out.

Finally, I have a game of "Mummy Wrap" planned - where they are paired off in groups of two and one has to wrap the other up (in toilet paper) as a mummy ... and then unwrap them - without ripping the paper ... and then they switch. Whichever team finishes first, wins. I was having trouble with the idea of wasting all that TP ... so I decided we'd end the party with a quick little craft of stuffing the TP into white garbage bags and making individual ghosts for everyone to take home.

I went last weekend and bought most of the supplies. I am ready for the crafts, and all the games. Just a couple of baking items yet to get - but I'll do that with the regular grocery order. I also bought more decorations which (you will be so proud of me ...) I allowed the kids to decorate with the way they wanted.

I'm actually pretty excited. My sister from another mister is planning to spend the night on the Saturday so she can help me prepare. My kids worship her - 'cause she's bad ... and loud ... and so much more fun than I am. They are so excited for their friends to meet her - Stretch was actually talking about that this morning. That makes me happy.

It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll be fun work - so I don't mind. In fact, I don't know that I am not every ounce as excited as they are. Possibly even more.

All I can say is this: I will pull out all the stops to make this party loads of messy fun. That way, when I invite the same kids for the Christmas edition - they'll come. Maybe we can forge some relationships that way. 

Not entirely out of the ball park, am I?

Other than party plans, we are having family photos done this Saturday by a really good photog. Her work is amazing... check her out! I am excited. We were supposed to go last Saturday, but it was too wet. Fingers crossed. 

I am still losing weight - though it is slow going. I am down 113 lbs as of yesterday's weigh in. Still inching down - so all's good there.

Lastly, work is the same as always and if I make it through this week without either murdering someone or doing myself in - I'll consider it a success. ACK!

On that note, I'll bugger off.

Enjoy your Wednesday!


Monday, September 26, 2011

What To Do?

I thought child birth was the hardest thing I was ever going to have to do. 

I mean, there are things that happen that are hard – some things are harder than others, but honestly I thought the truly hard part was behind me where my kids were concerned.

I can hear all you seasoned mothers out there openly laughing at me. Not nice, ladies … not nice at all.

You know after you give birth for the first time, when you struggle with the universe for the first few weeks or so, trying desperately to fit back into it? Your schedule is a joke and you can’t remember what sleep actually feels like … your girly-goodies are in tatters, and your breasts have been chewed raw by the voracious little human you’ve been put in charge of … the simple act of sitting down at a table to eat a meal of some fashion has become the most decadent of activities … and the sheer idea of escaping the house - by yourself - to get groceries (of all things) is like someone handing you an all-expense paid trip to Disney Land (or perhaps somewhere less to do with little humans). You know the time I’m referring to, ladies … you would pay money just to be able to poop, much less do it in private – without those big, gorgeous eyes peering up at you from the car seat on the floor at your feet. 

It’s hard … those first few weeks.

Or so I thought.

What I am learning – rather ungracefully, I might add – is that those are the easy parts. Back before socialization becomes necessary, before saucy mouths develop and independent personalities start emerging. In those glorious days when (baring some health emergency) you were in complete control of your child’s environment. I was a safety freak, too … my house was so well baby proofed, it was ridiculous! No way my baby’s getting hurt on my watch – nuh-uh!

Then … oh man … then you have the biggest, rudest awakening when you have to turn them over to the public school system. All of a sudden all control is lost. Other kids can hurt your child – and do. Not only physically, either – emotional slights are borne early on and can sometimes leave scars of their own. Teachers become the experts on everything – Mom and Dad no longer rate as even remotely intelligent beings in the face of the almighty teacher … and it isn’t that I don’t think kids should respect their teachers – they should … but I’ve met a few who really have no business acting as the sole compass for guiding young people along their path.

I mentioned last (school) year that Stretch was having some issues fitting in and making friends. I also mentioned that we were fortunate to have a principal in the school that genuinely cares. I am still grateful for that. I dropped the girls off this morning and that same principal stepped out of the office and asked could she speak to me.  Seems Miss Stretch is having a rough time of things already. 

I mean, I knew she was complaining … and neither of them wants to go to school. Considering the fact that I am apparently the meanest mother … like EVER, I can’t imagine they want to be home with me … but apparently faced with the choice between mean ol’ mommy and school … mommy wins out. Not sure if I should consider that a compliment, but either way – they are entirely too early on in their educational journey to be hating it already. What the hell am I gonna do when they hit high school and they have good reason to hate it. Still … it’s so early in the year – I never imagined things were so pronounced as to require a word with the principal already. She’s actually suggesting we move Stretch from her current class … which is presently split between two teachers into one that has a more stable one-teacher approach. You know, to help Stretch keep a more even environment. We are also going to be speaking with the school psychologist (which I have very mixed feelings about) in the next month or so.

I’m at a loss. Truly, I am.

I find it so hard to separate my own crap from this, too. Why the hell this has to be about me in any way, I am not really sure … but in my head – it totally is about me … and my glaring incapacity as a parent. It’s like wearing a billboard that says: Parenting Fail

I know, I know – let’s get over ourselves already, Dani … there are far more important things to consider. For example, my beautiful child is miserable. I mean she’s really unhappy and lonely and she struggles every day with just getting through the day … and I am not protecting her from that. How could she possibly trust me when I can’t fix this? It’s tearing my guts out. See … there I go again!

But what do I do?

Seriously – I know what qualities she has that make her a challenging companion. Do I encourage her to “conform”? Change her personality to “fit in”? Do I sit her down every time she whines or throws a hissy fit to get her own way and point out the fact that THAT very behaviour is most likely why other kids don’t like her? Because I can’t do that - It goes against every fibre of my being to try and change anything about her … annoying though she may be … she’s spectacular. And believe me, she is. Magnificent, even.
So what? We’ve enrolled her in Choir, Cross Country and Dance – in the hopes that she will bond with someone over a common interest. The first two are through her school, but the Dance is outside of school – so maybe there might be someone outside of her current circle. It’s too early to tell just yet – she’s only going to her second session tonight.

I have requested a meeting with her two teachers and the principal for as soon as possible – so we can determine if it makes sense to switch her. I’m not really in favor of that, but if it proves to be necessary, I’d like to do it right away. She was specifically placed in this class because of the group of girls she was chummy with last year. Apparently this is not so much the case this year. 

Ahhh!!! I really don’t know what to do. 

Seriously, peeps … I’m asking.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hello, Mah Frens ... Hello

Okay … okay – I know it has been a month. I’m sorry.Melinda - I really didn't mean to mess with your chi. I can only imagine the kind of karmic katastrophe I'll be facing for that one.

It isn’t that I don’t miss you all, nor is it that I don’t still pop in a read here and there … I haven’t been writing because I am depressing. Same ol’ same ol’ – you know? *Yawn*

Narci is still Narcissistic. Minion is still … Minionistic? Miniony? Minionesc? I’d like to photo-shop a pic of him wrapped up in bacon and title it “Filet Minion” *snort*... although really it would be a better representation of pig - wrapped in pig.  

 I have concluded that I am burnt out where my employment is concerned. Not sure if that may be partially due to the time of year … I do tend to start slipping around the Autumn … not that there aren’t myriad reasons why I might be burnt out here – at the phallic palace, Narci-henge … but my ability to flip ‘these feelings of stabbiness**’ off, has diminished substantially. I find when the alarm blares out its morning reverie, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of abstract dread … mixed with an overpowering sense of ‘couldn’t possibly care less if there was a reward for it’. It’s an odd amalgam of emotion – quite at odds with one another.

Mom is still causing me stress, but I am hopeful that this will dissipate over time. I’m just not in a place where I can have that “talk” with her right now. She is in her place and though there seems to be a fairly sturdy wall built between us just now, we are cordial. I am hopeful she will start contributing in the monetary sense again soon … we have gone a couple of months now with no money. 

My weight loss journey seems to be somewhat stalled at present. I am down 106 lbs. Don’t get me wrong – I am so very – VERY pleased about this. I feel like a new person and even if I don’t lose another pound, this was still a raging success … it’s just that I want to get a little further away from where I was. Even just another 13 lbs would seat me firmly in “onederland” as they call it in the fatty-verse. I haven’t gained any weight … though there are days that I will fluctuate up and down between 1 and 3 lbs – but mostly I stay right where I am. So that’s good. I CAN NOT gain this weight back. I just can’t. I live in mortal fear of such an atrocity. *shudders* It is so effing hard to lose – even with the massive assistance of cutting out most of my stomach – I still wouldn’t consider this an easy task. Easier, maybe … well perhaps more to the point – doable … but not easy. Not by a long stretch. I am 9 months and two weeks out from my surgery and I certainly do not regret doing it – just wish I could get a little more gone. Now that Summer is coming to a close, I will lay off the weekend boozing a little (HA!) and maybe that’ll help.

Speaking of Summer – can you believe that school is about to start up again? MAN! This Summer went by in a friggen flash! I can’t get over it. I know some kids are back in today … mine don’t start until next Thursday, but holy crap! 

We are taking the girls camping this long weekend. We haven’t been camping all bloody season! That’s pathetic! Mind you, the weather has sucked! And blown … and sopped. It has been a crappy one, that’s for sure. The plan is to hit “The Ovens” and do a little spelunking. I figure my science-minded offspring will think that’s pretty cool. There’s also a beach, a pool and a petting zoo … so I am hopeful the girls will enjoy their stay. We haven’t done quite so much ‘fun stuff’ with them this year as I would have liked. There’s just been so much to do around the ol’ homestead … still more to complete before Winter arrives.

Anyhoo … I must remember to snap a few pics of my kitchen reno to share with you. It’s been a long friggen haul with this kitchen of mine, but it’s almost complete.

I hope all mah bleeps have been enjoying the gentle season.


**Thank you to "The Management" (aka Doran) for coining this word. It makes me smile every time I use it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Still Alive

Good morning Bleeps!

I am still kickin'. Today is my first day back to the office in several as my family and I were on a muchly needed vacation. It was magnificent and I will be writing about it in the next few days ... and posting some photos as well, I hope.
I also have a bucket of angst that I will be needing to vent as soon as I can find some funny in it ... just a little too raw right this minute. I figure if I must unload, the least I can do is make ya'll chuckle.

To those few of you who took the time to email and see if I am alright (you lovelies know who you are) lt; ... Thank you for caring about me. I have to say that my mood deteriorated somewhat upon discovering my desk in a state of disaster ... and those emails and comments have gone a very long way to saving a life this morning.

... you, too can prevent homicide.

Hugs to you all!

You'll hear from me soon... (that sounds a little ominous, no?)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Stretch Update and a Little TMI

When last we chatted (and by chatted, I mean I spewed and you dutifully listened) we were in crisis once again, regarding Stretch and her social skills.

As an update to that story, I thought I would let ya'll know what I did and what the result was at the end of the day.

I emailed the principal of the school and relayed the scene that had occurred the night before for her. I emphasized the fact that we have asked for feed back several times throughout the past three years where Stretch was concerned. I also made a point of mentioning the fact that the birthday party invites were scarce for her, as well. I was very diplomatic, but also passionate about the situation.

It was late in the day when I sent the email and honestly, I wasn't sure she'd even read it prior to Monday - but within the hour, the principal of the school called me at work. She was horrified to hear that "hate" had been used at a school function and that she wished Hubs had come and found her ... that she would have "turned that scene upside down", had she witnessed anything even remotely that mean. She apologized many times, but insisted that Stretch had been doing very well, socially speaking, this past year. 

We actually talked for some time, and during the discussion I realized (with little doubt) that she does, in fact, know my child - very well. The nuances of Stretch's personality (and she made a point to highlight the really positive stuff - like how artistic, articulate and intelligent she is) that she referred to put me right at ease, and I knew for sure that I wasn't being placated. We left our conversation with the understanding that she would speak with Stretch's teacher on Monday, and I would speak with Stretch over the weekend and we'd compare notes Monday afternoon.

Monday afternoon came, and as promised, so did the call. It was at this point that she confirmed that there are definitely two girls that Stretch tends to chum with - and that she was making every effort to place all three in the same class next year. There was some discussion about Stretch's inability to calm herself down when she gets emotional, and the suggestion was made that we possibly seek some help from our doctor ... perhaps get her someone to talk to ... you know, to learn how to self monitor/calm. So, I have made an appointment to discuss it with our doc ... although MY doc is taking the damned summer off - so this will be a new person to me (not really thrilled about that).

When I had spoken to Stretch over the weekend, she was pretty much oblivious to the slight where the whole mob scene was concerned. I asked her about the boy who was saying he hated her and she told me they were "arch enemies" and that she would be "dishing out some pay back" to him. Go Stretch! So ... I guess her ego is intact. Not that she honestly seems to have any issues with her ego ... which is why I often assume her tales of not having friends are a tool with which to "work" her parents. But then to witness something like that scene at the fair ... *shudders*.

From here, we move on to Summer Camp. At least one of the two girls she chums with will be going to the same camp - so that's a good thing. Hopefully with another Summer under her belt, grade 3/4 (because it is a split class next year) will be a little easier on her.

In other news ... it was a superb weekend at my house. My meds have kicked into full gear and my inner calm has returned. This keeps me in a much better head space both at home and at work. I was actually a fun mom this weekend - taking them shopping with me, allowing them to actually help cook the Father's Day brekkie. It was good.

Hubs had a good weekend, too and was even heard to exclaim: GAWD, Dani ... you are like going to bed with a 'strange woman' lately ... well D'UH! I have ALWAYS been a bit strange - you just catching on now? Though, that wasn't what he meant. 

So ... uh ... er ... thanks? (I think) Not really sure how a wife of 9 years should react to a comment like that ... but I am choosing to take it as a big ol' compliment.

... and that wraps the TMI portion of our programming. Hope your week is clipping along at a good speed and everyone is happy.

D - out!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Hubs Said F*@k

No, no ... you don't understand. My husband does not use profanity like I do. He's a good Irish Catholic Newfie boy. He says "shit" now and then ... but fuck? Nuh-uh.

I did the bi-weekly grocery shopping last night on my way home from work. I friggen detest the grocery store like the plague, but it has to be done - and apparently I have to do it. Hubs had agreed to take the girls to their school's Spring Fling. Aw ... pity, I was going to miss all the fun! (Suddenly spending two hours of my time and most of my pay cheque in the grocery store didn't seem quite so bad.)

Anyhoo ... when I got home, they were back and I noticed immediately that something was wrong with my husband. You need to know something about this man ... he has two moods: His usual patient, work-a-day self ... and horny. That's pretty much it. I have enough moods for all of us, so it really works quite well. But last night, he was pissed. Like, really pissed.

I asked him several times to spill it, and he just looked at me and said it had nothing to do with him and me ... 


So ... I began the quiz portion of the evening.
Me: Did the kids upset you?
Hubs: No
Me: Did you and Mom get into it?
Hubs: No
Me: Something with the business?
Hubs: No
Me: For the love of GOD, would you just TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG??

He takes me outside on the deck and in fairly hushed tones starts telling me about an incident at the Spring Fling. Our oldest, Stretch, had volunteered to sit up in the dunk tank. Apparently some little fucker from grade 4 showed up on the scene and after announcing to the crowd that "he HATES Stretch" starts pelting balls at the target and in the meantime, gets a group of children to start chanting that they "hate Stretch".

Now, I would be fibbing if I said that this didn't ruffle my fur, but there are a few additional pieces of info that need to be placed for you to get the whole picture.

We have been concerned about Stretch's socialization since she began at that school three years ago. We have had numerous meetings with both teachers and principals regarding this concern. Each and every time, we are told there is no reason for concern ... that she has found her niche group and seems happy in it.

Stretch is a highly intelligent ... but highly strung person. She's got a heart the size of Texas about some things, and is oddly cold about others ... more than anything (and God forgive me for saying this about my child, but) ... she's as annoying as holy hell. She is. I can see how she could grate the nerves of even the most determined child. She's constantly singing and doesn't often listen when someone asks her to stop. (Not that these are really great reasons to hate someone ... but some kids are assholes - maybe mine is seen as one of those.) The point, I am having trouble making here is this: We have expressed concern about Stretch and her ability to make (and keep) friends - on numerous occasions. Hubs and I want her to 'be herself', but if there are genuine issues with the way she is relating, maybe we can help coach her ... so, if we are continually being told there is no problem ... how does one proceed?
And yet - she repeatedly comes home telling us that everyone hates her (can't imagine where she'd ever get that idea) and that 'so and so' won't play with her and on and on. Add that to the fact that she was invited to only two birthday parties all year ... and you have yourself a real reason for concern.

This was the part where my husband started to use the expletive like it was salt in a shaker and he was eating french fries. He has a point. Why in the eff, after us repeatedly asking for guidance from the effing people who spend the entire effing day with our children - would we witness something like this, and nobody else has managed to see anything of the like in the previous 10 months (or 3 years, for that matter). And how in the eff, in a society so focused on anti bullying and respectful behavior, could a GROUP of children be chanting that they HATE another child - and NOT ONE staffer at the school notices?

I mean ... I got "spoken to" because my daughter was "bugging" one of the boys. Not hitting, or kicking or being mean in any way ... just hanging around and bothering him. Seriously. (This was the incident that cemented the relationship with my cow of a neighbor.)

Now, one could say that perhaps there was a small over reaction on my Hubs' part ...  as stated, kids can be assholes, and often are. But, the more I think about it, the more I am tempted to march my ass into that principal's office and become "that mother". Why in the eff didn't they notice? It was pretty damned obvious. And I expect it is every bit as obvious on the play ground at recess ... aren't there people outside with these kids watching them?

What tha hell?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

...and the Universe Speaks

So I had a little rant yesterday.

Actually, truth be told ... the rant I had was quite extensive and its composition started on Monday, but not everyone was subjected to the full measure.

I got home last night to an empty house. Highly unusual. Hubs had taken Stretch and Shorty to town to do some shipping for his business, and were apparently running late. Mom was staying in the city with 'the man' for the night. I immediately began the process of preparing the evening meal.

A short time later, Hubs and the girls pulled in the drive and within moments, the girls burst through the door exclaiming they had brought home dinner. A lovely surprise! (Although I had started cooking already, it was easily refrigerated and saved for tonight's dinner) Yay!

Then, as we sat and consumed our BBQ chicken and tators, a knock came at the door. It was our tenant... giving his notice to vacate.

Can I get a WHOOT WHOOT!!

Soooo, Mr Mini Wheat, what that means is come the end of July, I'll have my house back. I could weep, I am so happy! This thing with my mom needs a change. I love my mom ... don't get me wrong - she was a fabulous mother and I owe her plenty ... but this relationship is bending under the strain. Better to make this change while we are still okay (at least on the surface ... because she is completely oblivious to the way I am feeling right now).

She is dragging her heels about the move ... and who could blame her, really? She's got a pretty sweet deal. I cook every meal, do the grocery shopping, cleaning and so on. Who wouldn't want to stay - right? I'm also going to be packing up my sister's crap and turning her room into a simple guest room. She can sleep there if absolutely necessary, but her crap is not going to be living there anymore. Then, Shorty will get moved out of Stretch's room and she'll be getting her own big room all to herself. 

I've already started shopping for paint! Shorty's gonna get a sky painted on her ceiling. We're stoked!

It's good, too ... because now we'll have two spare bedrooms and the girls each in their own rooms. Not that we get a lot of company ... but in the event any of my bleeps decide to come East ... you know ... I'll have somewhere for them - and extra food and alcohol *sheepish grin*. (So - did I dangle that carrot properly?)

Now, all I need to do is actually get the job I am applying for today ... and we could be all set! It's a government job, so it's rather unlikely ... but I'm applying none the less. I'm so nervous applying anywhere because Narci knows nearly everybody (and now with the addition of Minion - he seems to know everybody else) - and any time I have actively started seeking alternate employment in the past, he seems to find out about it ... and then makes my life even more hellish than before.

I can't see how I can possibly keep at this as it is, though. I am miserable. So ... here goes nuthin'. Wish me luck.

On a different topic, I am sincerely disappointed with the fans in Vancouver last night. I mean, I would have liked to see the Canucks take the cup as much as the next guy ... but that sort of behavior is unacceptable! Shame on you!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

If You Give a Pig a Pancake...

Anyone who has had the pleasure of reading regularly to a child, likely knows the story I've premised in my title. For those of you who do not have that pleasure, it is loosely based on the old adage: If you give an inch, they'll take a mile.

Is everyone tired of hearing me bitch and moan about my rather wonderful life yet? 



Because I am about to bitch about my otherwise rather wonderful life ... and if you can't stomach it, you really should go now.

Run along.


So ... my weekend. I had a very lengthy purge typed out on this page regarding every slight perpetrated against me this past weekend. A very lengthy purge. I have opted to spare you, my bleeps, the eye strain.

You have AA to thank for this act of charity on my part.

Everyone take a moment and say "Thank you, AA ... for takin' one for the team". Seriously ... it was a long and painful rant. Thanks AA.

So that you don't feel totally left out of my pity party (heaven forbid such an atrocity) I have conceded to provide you with more of a Coles Notes version and hope that this format takes the edge off the scrimey, self pitying tone that my original post carried.

~My mother and sister pestered me into having a dinner party for my sister's birthday.
~When asked which day, I stated Sunday... they wanted Saturday ... Saturday, it was.
~Mom decided she wanted lobster, and when I wasn't on board for that, she got pissy with me (namely, because she wanted me to pay for them).
~Comments were made ... many, many comments that are grinding my soul and making my chest burn.
~Brand new boyfriends showed up ... prepared to spend the night ... and when both my husband and myself stated that they could not sleep "together" in the bedroom directly adjacent to my 6 and 8 year old daughters, there was an "issue" with our rules.

 I could go on ... and did in great detail, but what I have learned is: It really doesn't help. I'm still every bit as mad as I was. And it doesn't end there ... nope - there is more.

Two days ago, Minion took a call pertaining to the private mortgage fund we have started up. He spoke to the client for about 3 - 5 minutes and then emailed me instructions to call this person back and take an application.

Perhaps this does not carry the impact on you, that it did to me. But WHOTHEFUCKAREYOU to be a) issuing orders to me, b) too lazy to take your own fucking application and, c) just in general - who THA FUCK R U? I have my hands full enough with Narci as a boss ... I do NOT need another!

THEN - after I called and left a message for this client to call me back ... Narci comes to me the next morning and is all over me about whether or not I had gotten back to this guy. Uh ... HULLO, arsehole ... I have worked for you for seven bloody years, here ... how often do I just simply NOT call clients? If it was so goddamned important that an application be taken "post haste", why in the livin' friggen fuck didn't MINION TAKE IT??? And I DID call the guy - he WASN'T AVAILABLE.

I can't do this. I can't. Ima break in half ... or possibly quarters ... or just fracture into splinters soon. I've been struggling with the whole medication issue, but honestly ... I just started taking my anti depressants again on Monday ... in the hope that I can numb some of this stuff. I'd have taken almost anything to make this stop. It hasn't worked yet. Nothing does. Not even self medicating (with alcohol). 

I'm not sleeping, I'm not able to eat (and I can ALWAYS eat). It's like there is this giant ball of static electricity stuck in the pit of my stomach. I can't swallow anything - there's no room for food with all of this anger in there. Cripes almighty, I can't even poop, I'm so friggen uptight.  I need sleep. If for no other reason, just to escape for a little while. My husband is starting to have that squinky "I'm getting scared for you" look on his face.

He even sent me flowers at work last week in the hopes of brightening my day ... but honestly, I need my mother out of my house (and my sister in tow) and I need a new job... and maybe a vacation away would be beneficial. Nowhere crazy ... just away. If our damned trailer was fixed, I'd be quite happy just camping - if the G-D rain would ever let the hell up!

Stop the world, people ... Dani needs a pee break!

I know there is no advice out there that is going to be any different than what I have said up there and what anybody has said to me for years ... get out of that job ... don't live with your mother .... DUH! I know ... but it just isn't so simple as all that. I am looking for jobs. I'm even willing to take less money than I make here - just to be free of the toxicity. Plus, we are trying to evict our latest set of "Bisitors" so that Mom can move back into her own place. Nothing seems to wanna work at this point ... certainly not fast enough to save me from fracture.

It's just so bloody frustrating and I feel so trapped - like a caged animal, I just pace ... back and forth ... back and forth.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Chronicles of Narcissus - Troubles with Minion

So ...

My boss is at the Symposium for Mortgage Professionals today. 

Just so we are all on the same page here ... let me point out an interesting factoid: I am the only mortgage professional that works in this company. 

During this Symposium, there are numerous underwriters, fulfillment specialists and business development managers that are flown in from all over the country to rub elbows and play nice with the little cogs (aka - people like me) that make the machine called mortgage brokering run all smooth-like. It is an opportunity to meet these people - face to face ... and cement the relationships that have been growing over the phone and via email for (in my case) the past SEVEN YEARS (with this company - 2 with another brokerage).

Now, I will admit that this event does happen every year. It's called "CAAMP" (which is an acronym for Canadian Association of Accredited Mortgage Professionals ... and its name is a little on the 'campy' side, really ... especially when every second person you talk to asks if you are going to 'CAAMP' this year ... but I digress). I have never gone in any of the past 9 years within this industry. Mostly because I felt like a troll and preferred to be the sessy voice on the other end of the phone ... or the highly talented, sassy email composer on the other end of the computer to these people ... I felt much safer wrapped up in the mystery of imagination.

But this year is different. This year, I am 92 pounds lighter ... and feeling notably less 'troll-like'. THIS year, I WANTED to go. I even RSVP'd to an event that was being put on by one of my lenders. I had originally planned to attend, then my friend (who also works in this industry) and I were going to go splits on a hotel room and get up this morning (all hung over) and hit the rest of the day's events.

Here is a news flash ... I am NOT attending the CAAMP National Symposium.

Do you wanna know who is? Minion

... and Eyeore McSooky-pants. 

Can I get a "Why, Bambi ... why would Narci, Minion and Eyeore need to attend a mortgage symposium with all of the people that ONLY I work with EVERY SINGLE WORKING DAY OF MY LIFE?"

Narci ... okay, he is the broker of record ... even though he wouldn't know how to put a mortgage together to save his life ... but Minion? He's nothing but a ... a ... MINION! W-T-F??? And Eyeore ... other than the fact that he, too, possesses the "Y" chromosome, has no reason to be at a MORTGAGE Symposium ... he is an INVESTMENT SPECIALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! W-T-F??!!! Not only that, but it costs nearly DOUBLE for them to go than it would for me. Because I am a bloody member of the Association, it would have been $180 for me, but it is over $300 for them. Yet, Narci declined to pay for me ... and declined to grant me leave from the asylum for the day to attend (if I wanted to pay for myself).

I reiterate: W-T-F?!

I told that stupid ass I wanted to attend.

I simply do not understand why I am not in attendance. And better yet, why in the hell THEY are.

Anger is not a pretty emotion... and rage is really not good for the complexion. I realize that in this office, I need to pick my battles ... but this is seriously corn-holing itself up my ass!

All of this on the heels of catching Minion forwarding MY emails to HIS in-box.



He's been here for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES and I have been here for SEVEN YEARS!!!

And, I caught him - RED HANDED! Forwarding my emails to HIS IN-BOX!!! Do you have any idea how hard of a bitch slap that was to me? I have given part of my soul to this god-forsaken den of Satan ... and this is how I am repaid for my loyalty? For my 'sticktoitivness'? SERIOUSLY? You are fucking spying on me?

I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if every keystroke I make is being recorded right now ... and you know what??? I CARE NOT!!

FIRE ME, MO-FO!! And ya better hurry hard, ass wipe - 'coz I am just about ready to tell ya'll to shove it where the sun don't shine.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I'm From Nova Scotia!

So ... I'm sure you are all wondering ... did Toronto survive?

Yes, I believe it is none the worse for wear. My big toe, on the other hand STILL has a GI-normous blister on it ... *sighs* ... AA made me walk ... A-LOT ... and IN THE RAIN!!

Jeez ... doesn't she know I am constructed primarily of sugar ... and perhaps a little cornstarch? Melllllting ...

Backing up, the trip out was fun ... I was the kind of excited that can make a person vomit  right easy, so I was packin' Gravol.  I never wound up taking it and (THANK GOD ... or GODTOPUS or whomever you worship ... in my house, we all worship me, but I don't feel right thanking myself ... even though I really am the one to thank ... oh, it's so confusing) managed NOT to do the techno-color yawn on the plane ... or any time thereafter. Yay for Dani!

I was so nervous to meet AA ... not that I should have been ... I mean she's all the fabulosity that a person can glean from what she shares on her blog ... and then a heaping scoop more. I figured we'd be okay ... but there is always that chance there would be awkward pauses and ... not ... knowing ... where ... to ... start ... the ... conversation. And then there is the paralyzing paranoia from which I suffer ... and I am thinking perhaps I am not so alone in that sufferage (yes - I am coining my own words now ... and yes, I know about  suffrage ... SO-HO not the same thing at all)  ... so there was that. Plus the fact that I have not only NOT flown in very close to 15 years, but (other than my surgery ... and let's face it, I was so stoned while in hospital, I wouldn't have known my family anyway) I have never been away from my entire family before ... not for two nights, anyway ... and certainly not in another province! My worry was all for not, though. After mere moments of "deer caught in the headlights", we were giggling like a couple of junior high girls on a class trip.

Let me say ... it's a good fuckin' thing that she was such super fabulous company ... 'cause it RAINED like we'd see Noah cruisin' by at any given moment. There was, in fact a rather suspicious looking ship on the lake that may or may not have had a male and female of each species on board.

Yes ... this was the scene on Saturday morning from our hotel room. Well ... I use the term "morning" rather loosely ...

Back to the flight in ... as mentioned, I was pretty excited. I snapped a couple of pics (a couple of the VERY few that I took) from the window of the plane. I actually filled up with tears at the fact that I could not fully share the experience with my girls. Stretch, in particular would have thought it was SO FREAKIN' COOL to see the world from up there. (There aren't that many areas where her interests and mine overlap in such a way that we aren't fighting with each other ... so it was more bitter than sweet in those moments of wanting her there to see.)

I believe we were over New England here ... I honestly don't remember ... the weekend was a lot to take in for my little bean.

Anyhoo ... I landed safe and sound and then followed the herd to where the luggage lords spat my belongings out onto the conveyor belt ... problem: I borrowed a suitcase from my mother (as I never travel and my set has been stored in basements for the past ... uh ... decade and smells very much like it has done just that) ... it was a navy blue, Air Canada wheelie-jobby. Any guesses on how many people have this same piece of luggage? Anyone? Anyone?

Thankfully, there was a nice man that had magically appeared beside me and was looking for such a case, himself ... when he saw me grabbing at one of the many that ambled by, he started pulling them off one by one so we could both look at them and determine if they belonged to either of us. Mine was the second one he grabbed ... a fortunate thing for me (especially since when I returned home, I wound up chasing my bag all the way round the stoopid loopdy-loo trying to catch it - like a doe-head).

Bag in tow, I made my way out to the 'public area' where AA had told me she would be waiting. I had a serious case of blond brain already ... and adding to that, a case of nerves the size of the city I had just landed in ... let's say I was ... frazzled ... yeah, we'll use that term... it sounds a whole lot better than "fuckin' stupid". But I scanned the crowd and quickly found a familiar and friendly face. Awkward as I was (and maybe we both were ... I couldn't see past my own discomfort) I counted (entirely) on AA to direct me toward whatever order I needed to be in ... mainly, we needed to get our tooshies on the shuttle to the hotel ... that's where the liquor could be consumed.

Simple enough ... yes? Uh ... no. AA found the ticket booth AND it was for the correct shuttle. (So glad she knew what she was doing) She instructed me to buy the return ticket at the same time, which I obediently did. The bus was approximately 9 steps from the ticket guy. In those 9 steps ... I managed to LOSE MY FARKIN' TICKET! How is this even possible? The driver was there and said: I JUST saw it in your hand ... what did you do with it? (I mean, really ... could I BE any more FROM NOVA SCOTIA??) ...and that became the joke. Everywhere we went: "I'm from Nova Scotia" said in an embarrassed whisper of exasperated explanation for my 'blond-ness'.

I eventually found said ticket and we boarded to bus ... and giggled and tittered our way through the downtown Toronto area. It was awesome. Once checked into our room, we had started to have a level of comfort and (from my perspective, at least) things became very easy between us from then on.

This was hanging in our bathroom ... freaky - no?

Sooo ... we set off to forage for mix, more liquor ('cause the 60 of wodka that AA was packin' was apparently not sufficient to cause the level of damage we required) and food. We wound up eating our dinner on the water front ... I snapped a couple of pics there:

This, right here is actually a pic of the top of AA's head

Our Hotel as seen from the lake front.

 After eating, we settled into a night of drinking martinis and getting to know each other better. We shared a zillion stories ... I know I used at least twice as many words as were implicitly necessary to impart the info that I shared ... but then I am a wordy sort (sorry, dude).

The next morning, we were a little green around the gills and weren't moving really fast. Late afternoon, we got ourselves together and walked to the Eaton centre. I'm going to refrain from describing this, because aside from getting soaked to the damned bone ... there were eight hundred MILLION people shopping in that place! NO - REEEEELLLLY. I don't do crowds well ... (I'm from NOVA SCOTIA!)... AA got a taste of cronky-Dani. She told me I had "the face" ...

I have little doubt that I did, given the fact that my insides were boiling over and my outsides were wet and soggy. Blech! We caught a cab back ... and the giggles returned while we were sitting in the back seat, entertaining our very large Jamaican driver.  <-- that was fun.

The evening was spent chit chatting and getting ourselves ready for the VERY early morning we had to face. No more martini's for us. We did venture across the street for some greasy burgers and fries and gravy. Just what the doctor ordered! Mind you, I think my system is STILL trying to figure out what to do with that.

These were actually taken as we waited (very early in the am) for the shuttle to whisk us back to Pearson to fly back to our respective homes ... thus ending one of the best weekends - EVAH!

Across the street from the Castle - cool sculpture

Harbour Castle ... what a super fabulous hotel!

All in all, it was a wonderful experience and one I would do again in a snap! AA has cemented herself into my heart forever and it is my sincere hope that we can do this again ... or some reasonable facsimile. Maybe the Hubs' and respective offspring can come next time ... hmmm ... a whole year to contemplate that one.

Thanks for the memories, Chiquita!