Platitude Paradise

The trees are trimmed, the groceries are bought, the house is clean(ish), the pressies are wrapped ... the eggs've been nogged and the sweets are baked - I guess now all I need is for my errant family members to get themselves home and Christmas can begin. To all of you, my bleeps ... and everyone who loves you - hope you have a magical Christmas - full of everything yummy and wonderful! Take care! D - Out

I have a bad-assed cat. Had you heard? Yeah ... he is a B.A.D.A.S.S. He ignores, without prejudice, each of the following names he's been called: Woody, Woodster, Woodstock, Woodrow, Stinky-Stinkerson, Black Head, Guts and Pig-Cat. (Along with the ever popular, you tubby little shit !) A few things I have learned about this animal are: His shit stinks worse than any other animal I have ever had the pleasure of being near whilst it shat ... seriously, it smells like he ate the arsehole out of a skunk. He has absolutely no manners whatsoever and parades around on the sacred ground of counter tops and tables without shame. You can't so much as pour a bowl of cereal for the children without a black cloud descending upon it from what seems like every direction. If it is liquid ... he will drink it. Even if that means he has to stick his paw into the container and lap it up a pawful at a time. His absolute favorite beverages? Anything milky, my meal replacement shakes, Hu...

For those of you who do not know already, I had abdominal surgery last Tuesday. It was laproscopic, which means it is much less invasive than a fully open procedure. This would fall under the category of good news, in light of how miserable I have been since having this heinous procedure carried out on my body. I have discovered the 7 dwarfs of this recovery: Gassy Painful Nauseated Hungry Itchy Bitchy & Bored I figure I must be on the mend given my level of boredom today. I am lounging around in my fluffy jammies ... looking at all of the things I could be doing with this time I have off to recoup ... except that I am not even allowed to strip my own frackin' bed. This makes me owly ... oh, okay ... BITCHY ... and HATEFUL ... because I am resenting the fact that my share of the work is simply not getting done. I know it is a heavier load than anyone really wants to admit, but my part of this equation is somewhat sizable. It's not really fair for me to feel this way .....

Last Saturday evening, my girls and I were seated in the family/living room watching a Halloween type cartoon jobby on one of the kids' channels. I believe it was the Flintstones' special. (I was reading and feigning interest in what the kids had to say about various parts of the show.) Getting on in the program, Shorty was beginning to get restive. She was sitting on the arm of my chair and Stretch had pulled the hassock/humpty/foot-stool over next to us and was sprawled across it. Apparently (and rather suddenly) Shorty found her proximity to us an affront, and proceeded to turn her little self sideways and start kicking Stretch and pushing her off her perch. This, of course, caused the very natural reaction on Stretch's behalf of whining her freakin' head off ... which caused me to raise my voice to Shorty ... which caused Shorty to begin kicking harder ... causing Stretch to wail ... and onward ... until I reached over beside me, grabbed Shorty's pants (...

Yeah ... so I took a little trip down memory lane via You Tube today.  My first stop actually happened on my drive to work this morning with The Dream Academy's Life in a Northern Town. I don't know if it is the kettle drums, the oboe or a combo of all of the wonderfully melodious sounds emitted from this talented group ...   but this song gives me goose flesh. I just love it! (I didn't include it as you are perfectly capable of You Tubing it yourself should you have the urge to walk with me). I then stopped by some Pink Floyd. Oh how I love me some Floyd! Time, Wish You Were Here, Comfortably Numb, Mother, Hey You, Learning to Fly (just to name a few) ... I couldn't decide which one I liked the best ... so I didn't include a clip for this either. Nor did I include any of the Paul Simon I was listening to ... but 50 Ways to Leave a Lover is a CLASSIC!. Though, the Muppets' version of this one was pretty darned funny - I must say. Yes, I am all o...

I am in a crabby mood ... no ... "bitchy" better describes it. I am not premenstrual, not suffering from insomnia and don't have any good reason for feeling so rotten in my core. I have been avoiding my blog for this very reason. I thought you all could do without my sharing. I guess my opinion regarding sparing all of you my bitchy-ness has been overruled by my desire to be cheered up. Sorry. In an attempt to bolster my own spirits, I am looking to you - my bloggy bleeps to partake in a survey of sorts. You aren't required to participate, but you will make my day a happier place if you do. (No pressure) Fall is a bit of a mixed bag for many of us ... I am certainly not exempt from that list. I could go on for hours about all the negatives associated with Fall for me ... but the purpose of this exercise is to find the positives. So - without further ado, I give you: A Few of My Favorite Things, Autumn Edition 1) School goes back in... and the ...

So ... we are sitting down as a family Saturday night past, watching a movie: Ice Age 3, Dawn of the Dinosaurs - or "Donna, the dinosaur as my children call it). For any of you familiar with this franchise, Scrat finds love (of sorts) in this installment. My youngest child, 'Shorty' (who isn't very short these days ... she's taken quite a spurt since starting school) pipes up at one point and says (and I quote): "NOOOO, SCRAT!!! DON'T DO IT!!! WIVES CAN BE VERY FRUSTRATING!!! I thought sure there would be a wet spot under my husband (or me, for that matter) when he stood up, he laughed so hard. Then, last night she was playing a game on line and my mother was watching her. Mom pipes up and says: "Geezzzz ... I have a hard time following this game of yours." To which, Shorty replies: "Well ... of course you do, Gamma - this web site is for K-I-D-Z (yes, she spelled it out) not adults!" This kid makes me laugh. The other ...

I know I have said many a time that I am not a fan of organized religion and I have difficulty buying the whole "Jesus Christ, Our Lord" scenario ... but listening to this song this morning shows me how desperately my soul cries out to believe. This lady is from PEI. Give a listen.

Ahh Friday. I do love the Christmas Eve of the week!! This has been a very long week. I'm not entirely sure why ... well except for the fact that my tenant hasn't paid her rent for the month of October yet and it is almost November ... and she lost her job ... which I found out only because I tried  hunting her ass down through her employer and stumbled across this fact quite by accident.  She's been dodging us since the beginning of the month ... coming home after midnight and leaving before I do in the morning. Sneaky little bitch. We wound up locking her out last Thursday night and posting a note to her door that she needed to speak with us. That's how my husband came to be talking to her at 12:20am ... and when she promised she'd have our rent by the next day ... which came and went with no call and no appearance of cash. On Saturday, she stuck an envelope to our door with $190.00 (of the $550.00 she owes) and a note saying she'd get the rest to us by the...

I love your furry little tootsies that sound like wooden pegs on the hardwood as you trot down the hallway in your heavy-tootsied way. I love how you purr so big, it's enough to wake the dead. I love your velvet soft exterior coating. I love your melodious singing voice ... ahem caterwauling . I love that you talk to us ... all.the.time. I love that you 'don't "take no shit" off no dumbass dawg' (sorry, Cooper ... you know you are the dog in my heart). I love that you are so gentle with the children. I love that you love everybody in the house ... but love me the best. I love your GREAT BIG puss-onality. I love (secretly, of course) that you terrorize Mom's badass cat like she used to do to my precious Chloe. But most of all, I love that when I get ready for bed and look up the stairs to the upper landing (where you are perusing your kingdom) - all I have to say is: "I'm goin' to bed, buddy ... you comin'?" ...and...

No wonder I feel so hopeful.  New love is exquisite... and all powerful. It makes so many unpleasant things seem so much less important. He's pudgy, black, furry ... and a badass of epic proportion. The quintessential "Tom-cat" ... or "Thomas Pussy" as my eloquent mother would say. His name is Woodstock ... or 'Woody' for short (I didn't name him or it would be Jocko ... he looks more like a Jocko than a Woody). I adopted him last weekend and he is the new love of my life. My camera is suffering a psychotic break right now and I can not get it to hold a charge long enough to snap a pic ... but there will be pics of my booful new kitty-man... you just hang in and there will be plenty snaps of the most recent "thing that poops" to call our funny farm home. Welcome Jocko Woody.

That's about the size of it. Anyone familiar with the Sesame Street that I grew up with in the 70's would know this little ditty well. Of all the lessons I learned (or chose to ignore ...) from that iconic program, THIS one is, by far, the most pertinent and poignant. It's a song about perspective. . Even as a child, I found this meaningful. I mean there is no way I could fully grasp the enormity of the concept at the ripe old age of 7... but I knew it was important. This year, I am finding this to be particularly pertinent. After the past year and a half or so, what with going bankrupt, limping through last winter, the adventure that is Narci and a few other tid-bits that have not necessarily been shared - I see life a little differently than I used to. Normally, I would find Autumn somewhat depressing. By October, I would start feeling that sense of an ending. A time to crawl within myself and hibernate for the long, cold winter. I am someone that suffers from the ...

--An actual letter from an  Austin ,  Texas  woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine hygiene products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 "Editors' Choice award-winner" for the best letter sent via e-mail.  Dear Mr. Thatcher; I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi-pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm gue...

I did not write this, but I so wish I had. This is the funniest thing I have EVER read! One of the dilemmas of womanhood: Getting rid of unwanted hair--One woman's story All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in peace. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever).   No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so may...

I thought perhaps due to some general malaise in the bloggy world this week ... some mine ... some belonging to other people that matter in my world. I was going to write about stuff today, but I think this might be a better idea for Friday. Without further ado ... I give you Friday Funnies: Creation: A little girl asked her    Mom, "How did the human race appear?"     The Mom    answered, "God  made Adam and Eve and they had children,   and so was all mankind made.."    Two days later the girl asked her   Dad the same question.     The Dad answered,   "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."     The confused girl returned to her  mother and said,   "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,   and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"     The Mom answered,   ...

K - I totally lifted this from my friend's FB page. It is just so funny, I had to share.

I was all set to continue the "evolution of a grumpy mood" today in my post ... but then I read this post over at Grasshoppa's place and now I can't seem to locate my cranky. I am totally ripping this idea off from Tiffany at On The Verge who is so incredibly cool and writes the best stuff ... I just love her ... you should go have a peek.  Where was I? Oh ... yeah ... I was thieving her word: Blush ... that's a Blog Crush. I have a whole lot of 'em. Some who post all the time ... some who post once in a blue moon ... and lots in between. But today, I am going to concentrate my affection on The Grasshoppa. She is a mom to a teenager, 5 yr old triplets and a baby dumplin, and the wife of a pirate.  She is all kinds of awesome and I just absolutely love her. You don't need to go all crazy reading a zillion brilliant posts (though I've no doubt there are that many to read) but I encourage you strongly to go over and read this . It isn...

My baby started school this year. Had I mentioned this? My B.A.B.Y.  The last ... fruit ... from.my ... loins ... That just seems wrong to put into print, somehow. I can NOT believe that this same itty bitty puddin pop is all growed up enough to attend public school. Look at the two of them ... traitors! They BOTH grew up on me! It seems an impossibility that this adorable little diapered bottom could possibly be turned out into the world ... all by herself ... no safety net... gulp. Though, this one has moxie ... it can't be denied. But she done grew up on me ... Here's proof right here ... Look at how confident she is. She's got the world by the arse. Now, she's coming into her own. Apparently this is code for "Mommy knows nothing and I don't have to listen to her anymore". Yup. My gorgeous little Boo-Bear has learned how best to hone her...

I am in an evil mood. Well, let me rethink that. I am in an evil and volatile mood. Kinda like vitriol in a blender ... on high speed ... that someone carelessly lit on fire ... near a fire works factory. Boom. My family is jumpy. I called out to hubs last night and he didn't hear me the first time, so I had to call a second time. He apologized at least twenty seven and a half times. I told him it was alright ... not to worry. He seemed a little shaky. I've no idea why... ...may have had something to do with the fact that I resembled this lovely fella while calling. I think it is possible to sum up my current state of mind with the following:

I love Friday. No, really - I do. It's kinda like looking at a present before all the pretty wrapping is torn off.                                                                                                                                               This is a cake! Y...

In light of the fact that our weather forecasters aren't even close to agreeing with each other currently on the path and ferocity of this impending storm ... Hubs and I have decided to utilize an old Cape Breton weather forecasting method. That oughtta cover it.

Well ... it's Friday. Can I get a "Woot Woot!"? It is still as hot as I imagine Hell to be ... though I'm somewhat hopeful Hell has a "dry heat" rather than this humidity. OY! It's like drinking your oxygen. I'm so tired of being covered in a perpetual film of bodily fluid, I could cry ... wait ... I mean ... stand still, while water escapes my body from every orifice (and then some) that I have... wait ... already doing that. *sigh* Forget it. We don't have a/c in the house ... well, let me clarify: My mother has an a/c unit in her sitting room - so I am PAYING for a/c, I just don't get to benefit from it in any way shape or form. Nor do her close neighbors in the upstairs portion of my house ... you know - my kids? They have difficulty sleeping when it is really hot like it has been this past several days. But Mom keeps her door closed until she goes to bed and then uses my fan to blow the cold air from her sitting room into her bedr...