Cue Anvil

I knew if I was cocky enough to dare the universe, I'd lose.

Yesterday, I took my dog, Cooper and my cat, Chloe to the vet. Cooper was due for shots and had an ear infection and Chloe had injured her shoulder. I wish like hell I hadn't taken Chloe. Turned out the injury to her shoulder was, in fact a massive tumor. She had been previously diagnosed positive for feline lukemia. She must've had it when we got her as she had never been an outdoor cat.

For anyone who isn't familiar, feline lukemia is essentially kitty AIDS. It isn't catchy to humans and we never allowed her around other cats, so we opted to keep her so long as she remained healthy.

During the visit to the vet, Chloe was sedated in the hope of getting an x-ray. It didn't seem to knock her out enough so the vet was preparing to give her a full anestetic. After sitting in the exam room for a half hour while this miserable bitch of a vet saw to another patient, I decided to spare Chloe any further stress and to take her and go home. After all, she had been basically fine ... save a slight limp.

I paid my bill ... $178.00 for nothing except ear drops and a groggy cat. Cooper never got his shots as he threw up on the floor and we thought it best not to chance a reaction. My experience fresh on my mind, I cried the entire way home.

When we got home and I let Chloe out of her cage, she split. Wound up under our bed and didn't move much until late in the evening. She came out to have a bite to eat around midnight and was incredibly lovey (odd for her). We realized after a bit that she was unable to get down off the counter, so my hubby helped her. She ran to her litter box and after that, she disappeared.

I slept in this morning and didn't get up until well after 10 am. I got up and was hanging out with my family - planning our day when I heard an awful sound. My baby kitty was meowing ... in pain. By the time I found her, my husband had her up in his arms already. I knew immediately that this was not going to end well.

Things went from bad ... to worse ... to absolutely heartbreaking within such a short time it was horrifying.

My beautiful baby kitty died today. In my husband's arms because we couldn't get her medical help fast enough to ease her along. I am so profoundly sad.

My girls are devastated.

My husband is too.

Even Cooper knows that something awful happened here today.

I've never had to watch one of my animals die before. Especially not on their own. I've had to make that gut wrenching decision before, but my husband has been the one to handle the dirty deed. I am just too soft. So soft, it feels like I might just crumple in on myself.

I miss my girl and I feel so responsible for her expidited departure from our family. If only I had left her home - Friday she was fine.

My husband says it was likely a blessing that she went so fast. I can'y help but think she'd have continued to be okay for a while longer. I don't want to be selfish - I just feel so responsible.

My only solice is that she is at peace now.

We love you, Chloe Cat.