Monday, September 14, 2009

How I spent my 36th birthday

Given that my 37th birthday is eeking ever closer ... I happened to be cruising through some older writing in an old email account this morning and I came across this little diddy about how I spent my day last year. Really all this will serve to prove is that I have been relatively miserable for a very long time. It has its funny moments, though and I felt like sharing...

Morning
My morning - up at 6:15 am. Shower ... shoe cat outta shower. Make-up... shoe cat off counter. Find clothes ... shoe cat out of closet. Trip over dog. Wake cranky child #1... inflict needy cat on sleepy child. Pick out child's clothes. Wake up even crankier child #2. Pick out clothes for #2. Go back into #1 and wake up again ... have fight about going to school - check on #2 ... wake up again ... listen to massive tantrum about hating pre school and how she wants to stay home. Pick up #2 and both sets of clothes ... drag #1 by foot outta bed. Further lead #1 down the stairs with #2 on my hip. Dog and cat BOTH pass us on the stairs, knocking down #1 and seriously pissing off #2 - I yell (first time of morning).
Start dialogue regarding breakfast. Prepare #1's breakfast. #2 wants same. Prepare #2's. Now she doesn't want toast and cheese whiz - she wants toast & jam. Prepare toast & jam. Not good enough, she wants it heated up (the jam) ... (yell for 2nd time). 
Dog eats toast and jam (yell for 3rd time). Feed cat, dog and fish. Make coffee - new coffee pot (old pot broke two weeks ago ... happy about coffee). Make lunches - listen to #1 complain about my lunch making ability. (Yell for 4th time).
Hold #1 on toilet and squeeze pee out of her as she is fighting me tooth and nail... TMI???
Get the picture? Add to it the fact that we got 15 cms of snow followed by ice pellets last night and my van was out of gas (due to my husband taking my last 7 bucks) so I really couldn't let it heat up prior to leaving. My 1st born had to catch the school bus which meant she needed snow pants and boots - which creates much more drama ... my youngest has to be driven to her pre school. We were highly late by this point and I still had to get gas - PLUS my Mom had the car seats in her car yesterday which meant I had to re install them in my van ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My husband had called to make sure I didn't let the kids go to school without boots .... boots I had to locate in the basement ... but did not wish me a happy day. AND - I went down on my ass in the driveway walking child #1 to the bus because my stupid dog has no leash manners yet - so I yelled AGAIN - and I was into double digits by this point.
So I cried most of the way to #2's daycare and then she threw a fit when I tried to leave her there - she had to be peeled off me by two teachers ... and I've been tearing up off and on all morning. Oh and by the way - hubby's ex wife is being buried today. I found her Obit. I know I have no right to be all poor me, but I can't seem to change it thus far. How is it fair that she even gets to destroy my birthday??? I almost wonder if she didn't plan her burial specifically for the purpose of wrecking my birthday. (Okay - there's some serious dysfunction for ya ... if you knew her like I do, you'd wonder too)
I have to go and get groceries on my lunch break so the kids can make me a birthday cake ... sigh


Evening recap...


Okay - so my night last night was mostly a wash ... I mean I know not everyone is a birthday person, but I am - and I guess the expectation is there that it will rate an effort for the people in my life. Not so much last night. So I get home and there is no dinner (I figured one night out of the year wasn't too much of a request) but I am super excited because I was called for an interview with Scotia MacLeod as their Regional Administration Manager (Which is a position I am super excited about)  <---- didn't get this, obviously.  I am yammering on about it like a rabbid chipmunk and he says - aw hun, I hate to see you get excited about something that doesn't happen ... SPLASH ...
So - after I spent 45 minutes putting $400 worth of groceries away, I asked "so - what am I making you for my birthday dinner?" (Bear in mind, the man has  been home since 3:00 - it is now 6:25) To which he responded - well, I can just do something simple ... so he made beans and weenies. I wasn't overly hungry after the whole chocolate debacle of earlier in the afternoon. So I basically just sat at the dinner table and had a piece of molasses bread. I had gotten a small little cake at the grocery store for the girls... so THEY could enjoy my day.
After supper, I cleaned the kitchen, the guinea pig cage and the litter box - fed all 5 animals and sat down at the kitchen table to do Bug's reading homework with her - since it didn't get done after school like it was supposed to. This is where the story gets funny ...
I had eaten hummus and raw veggies earlier (before the death by chocolate birthday cake the office girls had given me ... mmmmm) with one of my co workers and apart from the massive amount of garlic - hummus is comprised of mostly chick peas ... gassy little fellas that they are. So add to that the copious amount of roughage consumed and the makings for an uncomfortable evening naturally follow...
Lead up ... So I am one of those rather prissy gals who simply does not experience 'gas' as far as anyone else on the planet is concerned... marriage didn't even change that for me. My kids, however think that bodily function is freakin' hilarious... see where I'm headed with this??
So I am sitting at the table, coaching my kid through some inane book and I feel this unbearable pain and pressure mounting in my lower abdomen ... bear in mind I am twisted up as tight as a kite in a wind storm to boot... I don't want to leave because it has taken me 20 mins just to pin this child of mine down ... so I think ... maybe I'll just let 'a little' of the pressure off ... not knowing of course that my husband was standing around the corner ... well ... the cacophony that followed would rival any retired football player after an afternoon of beer and nachos ... I may need to refinish that chair, in fact ... my daughter quite nearly fell off her chair with laughter and I let a squeal out of me as I could not imagine this sound was emitted by my body .... then he sticks his head around the corner and says ... what in the hell was that??? If it was possible to simply implode - I'd have done it right there ... embarrassed doesn't even come close to the feeling that followed ... OMG!!!
So - I hope that my stark embarrassment is enjoyed by you ...

3 comments:

Eyvi Sprite said...

I can NOT believe you blogged that! You're killin' me.

Cindy said...

Oh God, I have tears streaming and I just missed a phone call...this is too funny!

One time I was in the kitchen and I thought I could get away with, you know, a quiet little one. DH was in the living room with the kids, and I was pretty sure there was no way he was aware. So not too long after, Little Boy lets one rip, and in related news, so does Little Girl. My husband says "Geez, what is the matter with you three?"

Oops. (blush)

JJ said...

That is hilarious! So now that you've let one go to break the ice are you going to allow yourself some freedom to let loose when you need to? That alone would get rid of a lot of tension!