Parenting in the Age of Fluidity

Here's a question for people smarter than me:

How do you respond, when your female fifteen year old asks if her lesbian bestie and gay guy friend (who up until recently was considered bi-sexual) can spend the night?

My first reaction was 'no'. 

My husband chimed in and said "we will discuss it, your mother and I, and get back to you".

I feel I need to fill in a little backdrop. It was 10:30 at night, we were sitting outside by a bonfire with Shorty (who really isn't very short anymore) and Stretch had been locked in her cave on Skype with said friends. The invite was for the following night.

I gave him 'the look', but then instructed Stretch to allow us privacy to 'discuss it'. She started to stomp away and I reminded her my answer was currently 'no' and that attitude from her part was unlikely to help her cause.

We did discuss it (when Shorty went to bed)... for two hours, actually. 

We talked about the fact that as far as any 'funny business' going on went, it would more likely be with the lesbian bestie, than the gay guy friend... and we let the bestie stay often. Somehow, it still didn't matter.

We're setting precedent here. 

How, as parents are we expected to tread the line between being open minded and non-judgmental humans and "The Hippy Parents"? In this age of 'gender' and 'sexual' fluidity, how do we protect our children from their stupid, hormone-drunk brains? How do we teach them 'decorum' and societal views without coming off judgmental and closed minded... or worse, bigoted? 

I think we dance dangerously close to the "hippy" side, honestly. We are likely the least closed minded of all the parents. I'm the favorite mom of both of my kids' friend groups. Mostly because I'm kinda funny and I am not an overly judgmental person. Nobody is more shocked than I am. They all love to eat here, because we sit down together at the table and we are a goofy bunch, so it is usually lively. That is one of my most favorite things, and I honestly enjoy most of them, too.

Just as an aside, these kids have never heard of things like 'sloppy joes' and 'bean n' wieners'... how is this possible? I did a homemade pizza one night and the friend that was staying for supper did not believe I could make a pizza at home. Where are these kids from, anyway?

Now having said all of that, I say 'hippie' describing us, but I'm referring to a more modern version of the sentiment. I'm not burning any bras, dude. I'm talking about being accepting of all people. I'm certainly far from completely 'okay' with everything that I'm seeing lately. I'm far from allowing 'amok to be run' under my nose. My kids don't live under mega regiment because they are great kids. If they were little irresponsible assholes, I would crack down on them. We try to teach by allowing slack in the line... so long as they don't hang themselves with it.

Teenagers are bloody scary commodities.

Stretch is part of the LQBTQ at her school. She marched in the Pride Parade, she is a rebel with a cause... and I think maybe someday, she might be able to say she was part of a massive movement for change. But she is a lot.

I admire her passion.

I admire her, honestly.

...but I don't 'get' all of it, out of hand. I need time to get used to things.

She has a transgender friend that has gone from the "they/them" pronouns, to "he/him" recently.

I double dog dare you to call this kid by the wrong one. 

Say goodbye to your head. 

Stretch is the least tolerant person I know, when the thought goes against her beliefs... but try and point out her hypocrisy. 

Again... nice knowing you, head.

It's maddening.

After our lengthy discussion, our decision was still 'no'. We offered to have the bestie over for the night and allow the gay guy friend to stay super late and they could have a fire and snacks and such and then we would drive him home. We explained our concerns about what was 'proper social etiquette'. 

I thought that was a reasonable compromise.

Evidently, I thought wrong.

She was pretty wild with me. Wound up storming up to her room and getting back on her call. I was up there a little while later to put laundry away and make my bed and I could hear her ranting about her 'idiot, demon' parents. 

I'm not gonna lie, it hurt my feelings... but I stayed quiet, finished quickly and went back downstairs. Not five minutes later, she comes storming down to say the bestie's mother has agreed to host this sleepover and could she go there?

Now first off, Bestie's parents are from small town Bum-fuck, Nowheresville. They are afraid to let her come here, because we are the damned hippie parents! I know full well that not only would they not allow a sleepover including gay friend, I doubt he is even welcome in their home, based on the way Stretch describes them. (Not that I'm not glaringly aware there is much hyperbole in my daughter's take on things.) 

Secondly, I just finished telling her all the reasons I was not comfortable with it and all she took away from our conversation was that her father and I cared too much what other people think of us. 

Argh.

Thirdly, I was having a feeling and I was trying very hard to not be mad about something I overheard that was not meant for my ears. But there she was... all up in my grill. 

I told her to go. That I needed some time to digest my feelings and that the answer was still the same.

I am dead to her now.

She has gone to the mall with them instead. She guilted me into money for McDonalds and now the other one is pissed because I caved to the poor behavior.

So, I ask you... how should I have handled that? Should I have let her do it? Should I have been a harder ass when she reacted poorly to a 'no' answer? Should I have used the opportunity to punish her for being unreasonable (or... you know - a teenager) in front of her friend group? This kid has struggled for so damned long just to have a few friends... how could I embarrass her in front of them?

Or did I handle it fine? 
No lingering issues requiring discussion on a shrink's couch in a few years.

I swear I have no earthly idea.