Monday, January 4, 2010


For any who do not know: New Years Eve Public Displays of Violence.

I promised a post about my New Year's Eve day and some PDV's ... so I will try to go good on my word. My sense of ha ha was all but busted yesterday ... so I am a little on the late side ... my bad.

K - so on Thursday past (aka NYE), I had an errand day. I had to go to my office to pick up my pay cheque {Narci was there, even though the office was closed and played games with me about giving me said cheque ... then a psycho client who must be stalking me came in wanting to ruminate over various mortgage scenarios ... good times}, hit not one - but TWO very busy banks {and to clarify - 'hit' in this context refers to walk in and stand in line for an hour a piece ... not 'knock it off'}, go to the Dept of Motor Vehicles {where there were 37 people in front of me ... most of whom had varying degrees of B-O}, get a full load of groceries, visit the liquor store and shop for my daughter's birthday. All I needed to add was a root canal and a pap smear and I would have had myself the makings of a serial killer.

As it was, this day was not pretty.

I am a hot woman. To clarify, I tend to run on the warm side much of the time. I shudder to think what menopause will look like for me ... I am picturing spontaneous combustion, ending in the charred outline of my body crumbling under the force of gravity. I get particularly hot and bothered when in a crowd of people ... especially people who are grinding their heels into my last nerve. To say I was warm would be negligent. There was steam ... and possibly a few puffs of smoke rising from my shoulders. I could feel my brain cooking inside my skull... all the while imagining inside my over heated mind that this ultra deadly steam could shoot out either ear in a disfiguring burst ... thus taking out the two morons closest to me on either side.

I remained remarkably calm ... until I got to the grocery store. I may have mentioned in the past that I fuckin' DETEST the grocery store. {You would think someone who loves her food with such abandon would feel like she was on the mother ship there ... not so much} The local Super Store is nothing less than a mecca for every disgruntled house-frau & beast along with every pissed off, kamikaze driver ... of both automobiles and grocery carts, within a 20 km radius! The overall disregard for the sanctity of life in that parking lot was rivaled only by what was going on just inside the doors. People - it was ugly. Pushing, shoving, elbowing ... I think at one point I even kicked an elderly man ... he was going to take the last box of "Always: extra heavy flow, overnight, stick a mattress between your legs, strap down those bad boy wings and it's all good - pads... I had no  choice!! Oh ... and here's a little piece of advice for y'all ... when you are standing in the meat section (or dairy or cereal ... or whatever...), chatting up your father's best friend's neice's boyfriend, please {for the everlovingholymotherofgawd} move your fucking carts out of the middle of the isle so the rest of us can pass ... puh-leeezze! If you had the slightest instinct for self preservation, you would sense your impending doom as I (not so) stealthily approach with my impregnated cart, full of $400.00 worth of groceries *draws deep breath* and MOVE!!! dammit!!!

{good air in ... bad air out ...}

What in the holy hell is the matter with these people? Remember my grocery store mask anyone?? An exceutioner's hood with a yella happy face ... there was no happy ... there wasn't even any yella by the time I made it through this corridor of iniquity ... it had all been sweated and/or steamed away.{Come to think of it, I shouldn't have a wrinkle on me for all the steam ... the hell???} I approached the cashier. I usually look for one of the more seasoned staffers ... the newbies never pack bags well. I wasn't given a great deal of choice due to the level of busy this place had become. I got a new guy. He was nice enough (I guess) ... and he was efficient at ringing stuff through ... but I must look like I am particularly strong (I'm thinking perhaps he had mistaken me for a new generation of female sumo wrestler). I'm here to tell ya ... my hubby had a hard time with a few of 'em. He even said (after I arrived home) that whoever packed these obviously didn't care much about my back ... fucker. He put THREE 2 litre bottles of pop in one bag ... underneath my arfin' bread (which now has the indentation of a half cylinder in the bottom of each loaf) and then he stacked the eggs on top of THAT! What a tool.

Then it was off to the liquor store ... and home. Narci and his missus were behind me on the highway the entire way ... don't know why he stayed behind me ... I was not moving anywhere near the mach 4 he normally travels ... but there they stayed.

Once home, I immediately began making Chinese food for our NYE dinner (as I had promised the children I would). Spent close to two hours at that only to sit down and have both kids eat a few bites and get up and leave ... I coulda smacked the pair of 'em.

All in all, I think it was a miracle nobody was (seriously) injured. I flipped a few folk the bird - that's true ... but no blood was spilled during Dani's day about town. I also didn't get Stretch's present and had to venture out on Sunday to do that around the snow storms and such ... but in the end, her birthday was a success... and my once itty bitty baby girl managed to turn seven on me. 

Dani out 


Amethyst Anne said...

So the part where I have actually read this post not once, but three separate times and cannot help but snorting out loud.
Three things.
1. Are you in my head? What colour am I thinking about right now? I too run waaaay too hot.
2. They actually BAG your groceries?? Fme!! At my Super Store it is an exercise in itself, put it all in the cart, take it out, put it back in and then get it in the car only to unpack the stuff again.
3. A big o'l Happy birthday to not so itty bitty Stretch!!!

Xtreme said...

I almost feel like I have two wives...

Mark Price said...

it feels good to laugh! thank you sistah frenn! Happy Birthday Stretch!!!