Platitude Paradise

I'm not certain how the rest of the world's population interprets its surroundings from day to day...  I can speak only for myself. It seems, by times at least, that things can easily feel a little on the grey and dingy side. Like the light has somehow drained from my existence... or the music track has become a somber drone. It's in these moments that I have to work hard to discern the positives in my tiny sphere. The news is terrifying, traffic is awful, people just tend to suck all the way around. My thoughts land in worst case scenario with all possibilities and the future seems like it will never come... but it's always coming, isn't it?  It's coming... and going... and all the while, I'm wishing it away like a flu or a cold. Biding my time until the depression lifts and the manic takes over... waiting for the shift. Waiting. But time doesn't wait with me. Time marches right on past... and when I look up and see my precious ...

Boy! It has been a week at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm bored outta my silly little mind, but there has been some shit splatter from the proverbial fan all up in here! So... yesterday, I had to go an get my CT Scan done for 7:10 am. I had to be there at 6:40 am, so I was up at 5:00. That allowed me to get the scan, return home, make lunch for myself and my two children and then head into work - and still make it on time. I pulled into my usual parking space (as I am a creature of habit) and proceeded to gather my stuff to take into work. When I went to unplug my phone, I noticed several messages from my boss - who is out West this week with our President at a series of meetings.  I immediately called her. She was in a tizzy, for sure and by the time she spat out the whole story, it would seem our President got himself drunk when he landed and stayed that way for the ensuing two days, culminating in him knocking boots with the Executive Director of another ...

And wake up in February? My GAWD the weather is sucky for end of May. We should be enjoying endless days of warm, dry wonderful instead of what feels like borderline snow weather. Gah! I need some sun!  We got one good day this past weekend. Saturday was a beauty! 20 degrees, full sun, light breeze - it was magnificent! I worked on laundry most of the day, but managed to spend the bulk of the day outside. Good thing, too because it clouded over Sunday and now is supposed to rain for the first half of the week at least... and with the heavy atmosphere, comes my head's worst nightmare. I spent most of the day yesterday in bed or on the couch in so much pain I could hardly move. The headache worsens by quite a lot when the barometric pressure is low. I wish like hell this thing would fuck off already! Tomorrow I get my CT Scan. I have to be there at 6:40 am! I'm nervous about that. I'm truly afraid they are going to find something... but then I am als...

I can't think of a zippy topic, either... Here is a very good example of me wanting to write... crying out for inspiration and... nuthin'. I got nuthin'. Tonight, I attempted a penag curry.  It did not go over well. ... not even with my girl of adventerous tastes. We are not a family that cares for big spice. Garlic and onion are my favorite spices. I'm simple that way. Glad Hubs wasn't home... he would not have cared for it. He'd have eaten it, but would not have enjoyed it. He'd eat shit on a stick, if I cooked it for him... but that doesn't mean he always loves everything. Not my kids, though... nope.  Neither of them ate anything but the spring rolls I served with it. My oldest ate a friggen grilled cheese for supper last night, for crying out loud! Drives me batty! I wrote a big post abut my daughter today, but I think I will leave it unpublished. I feel like I would be betraying her confidence, otherwise. ...

I detest feeling the way I do currently. My head is killing me softly (with its song). The depressive part of my cycle is waning, but much like a menstrual cycle that will not end, I'm left dealing with the stinky, slimy remnants of my uterus... er, brain... except I can't sop this shit up in a feminine hygiene product and throw it away. This, I gotta deal with. My discovery of an unsettling reality yesterday sent me home in a fit of tears. I held them as best I could while still within the walls of my workplace, but once I hit the sanctity of my car, it was no holds barred. There was practically snot flying on my drive home. Upon my arrival, my eldest child also came home... from an equally unpleasant day... and being the self-involved little shit that most teenagers are, she let fly on me. It was rough. I had pain in my head that was searing my grey matter and here she is standing in front of me, absolutely losing her shit about her stupid math teacher and hi...

Caution... this post may contain curse words... or, it may not. I can't decide which path I'm about to follow here. Deep breath... I just did the last of my income/expense statements from my bankruptcy. A task, I'll add, that we did not know we had to do until I discovered it by accident about six months ago. I only just figured out what it is they do with the information - hence my current reaction. Apparently your trustee doesn't have to tell you this information up front... only means they can keep you paying longer - which ensures the maximum return for them. There is a plug of vomit lodged in my throat. Based on my calculations, we are going to get a bill for over $12K for our first two years of the filing. To put that in terms you'll understand, we need to pay $1000(+) per month just to catch up, and another $1300.00 a month so we don't slip behind this year... and if we can't pay that (which we can not...) we stay in bankruptcy un...

Holy crap, I am so bored! I like my job, I do.  My boss is pretty cool. Not a whole lot of responsibility. No real stress. The Board... well they are "The Board", but no real challenge there. I'm just so shamefully under-employed. I know that I have been in a place where under-employment had advantages, but lately I find I am longing for so much more from my daily activity. Home is boring, too... and I'm supposed to covet boredom after all the 'excitement' of previous years... I just feel as though I need... more. I want to do something. Maybe something great, or at the very least, something cool. I want to write a goddamned book... but that seems like trying to go out and climb Everest to me just now. I want to have the courage to swallow my stupid, silly pride and write about the bankruptcy process and how unbelievably unprofessional the 'professionals' actually are... about losing a house... about how easily this ca...

How does one gauge where they fall in the 'decent human' spectrum? I mean I'm not a 'good' person, but I think I could pull off 'okay' person most days. I'm 'nice...ish'... well, I have pretty language. I don't wantonly hurt people, though I do still hurt them now and then... even though I really really really never mean to. I don't go out of my way to grow the greater good, either. I mean I have gotten involved in charitable activities, but it isn't habitual. Even though it makes me feel wonderful... I just won't put myself out there. It's like I'm shy or something... and I know I could fake that if I needed to. I simply do not. I usually come through for my people when they need me... although I'm rapidly running out of people. I'm currently typing this whilst balancing a cat on my right arm... you know as to not disturb his personage... 'cause I'm that girl. Seriously... how do I know if I...

This is the conversation I was having with myself while driving home from the doctor last night: Me: I'm finally getting the cat scan for my headaches! Also me: Now you'll find out you have a tumor or a sack of worms living in your brain. Me: You're spinning out, stupid. Reign it in. You don't have a brain tumor. Also me: Jesus! Please don't make me have that conversation with my kids... oh my GOD! Me: Okay, dumbass... you need to breathe. You're going to make your silly brain explode... and we're driving here. You don't need to tell your kids about an imaginary tumor. Okay? Also me: What am I going to feed my people tonight... how are they ever going to eat if I'm gone?  Me: Why are you like this? Also me: *twirling panties over head*  Inexplicably, my thoughts drifted off to the upcoming grocery list, the fact that I hadn't shaved under my arms before going to my doc, so I didn't show her the rash that h...

Goulash is what I made for dinner last night. My kids hate it. My hubs loves it, alas, he was not at home. Goulash is what they got, though. Mind you, I don't really make a true goulash. I use spaghetti sauce and rotini noodles, with big chunks of mushroom. My love for cooking is in a coma, like every other positive thing about me. It's very sad. My joy in anything has waned significantly. I find I am struggling with the simplest of things. I'm Exhaust(ed) and (ing). My life is so super boring. A snooze-fest. Lack luster. According to a Chinese proverb, that's what I should be striving for. Boredom. "W e live in interesting times .  They  are  times  of danger and uncertainty." I should be grateful. There is nothing wrong. Nothing interesting. Well... there are things wrong... the government just nabbed my tax return because of some credit I got 2 years ago that I apparently didn't apply for, nor qualif...