Bucket List
There are a number of things, I would love to do before I am, no more.
A few examples might be along the artsy-fartsy side:
* Learn how to properly play my guitar
* Take painting classes
* Singing lessons
* Dancing lessons. I'd love to go back to that Burlesque group. It was hella fun!
* Cooking lessons - maybe Oriental and Thai... that would be so cool
Then there is travel: I would dearly love to take my children to:
* Meet their brothers and nieces in Grand Prairie
* A"beach resort" vacation
* Europe
But I simply must get to Scotland before I die. It is a MUST! and I am doing absolutely not one single thing to ensure that this will happen at some point... other than continuing to breathe.
I'm not doing anything to even offer a suggestion that any of these things may happen, sometime... whenever the planets align just right. I'm a fucking flake!
I piss and moan about how I'm not happy and I don't have any fun and it's my husband's responsibility to come up with fun shit for me... not that I don't deserve that, I do ... but why am I punishing myself? It is within my power to be better. It is time for me to take action.
That sounds easy, right? So why have I not done it already?
Because I have been limping through the last... it was 2014 when we left the house, and the two years before that were rough... so, six.years, making life as normal and as comfortable as possible for my kids, and I guess husband, too... but it isn't as though he hasn't been working his balls off trying to make enough money to shovel us out.
Survival, man... plain and simple.
We aren't exactly out of the woods yet, but the end of our bankruptcy can be as soon as April. So long as we didn't fuck anything up. I'm going to sit down and figure that out sometime in the very near future. Calculate all sources of income and deduct the applicable things... in my more 'normal' state (from before the new meds) I'd have been all up in that. Certainly for the first year, anyway... I haven't touched it yet.
I know... gasp!
I haven't been strong enough to face it. There wasn't anything I could do about it... there was no extra money to pay the Trustee. We've struggled hard the whole way through... and I know where nearly every penny in this house goes. I do not spend money on anything. No coffee, no lunches, no treats, no bottled water. I refuse. The only place we waste is on booze and let's face it. that has been the glue that has kept the wheels on this bus so lubricated all these years.
If we had been left to our own sober devices, we'd never have had sex. Not that we don't do it for each other - we super do! It's just that we've had some heavy shit. It's hard to come home after a week under an abusive boss, while dodging collection calls and cashing in bottles to get groceries... dealing with two young children and their varied needs... and then want to jump your partner.
Nuh-Uh... and you don't have all night to make that shit happen organically, because the rugrats rise early. I can remember standing in the shower, with a drink in my hand, winding myself up for our evening. Again, I do not mean to imply that he doesn't pop my cork, I mean that understandably, my cork sometimes takes longer to be popped. Especially if my mind is obsessing about bills and mortgages and all that good stuff.
We still waste money on booze. That is one of the tweaks I need to make going forward. I need to replace that habit with a healthier one that is also fun. Like dancing. Or walking on the harbour front. Or going on a day trip.
I guess what I'm saying here is:
I forgive myself my boo boos. (I think) But now it is time to build, rather than simply exist. I am tired of flapping along behind my life like a tattered dish rag. It is time to sit deeper in the saddle and tighten the reigns. I do not know how many more days of this life I have, and I've simply wasted too much time already on basic survival.
...if I had a drink, I'd toast it, alas I do not.
See? I'm better already!
D-Out
I piss and moan about how I'm not happy and I don't have any fun and it's my husband's responsibility to come up with fun shit for me... not that I don't deserve that, I do ... but why am I punishing myself? It is within my power to be better. It is time for me to take action.
That sounds easy, right? So why have I not done it already?
Because I have been limping through the last... it was 2014 when we left the house, and the two years before that were rough... so, six.years, making life as normal and as comfortable as possible for my kids, and I guess husband, too... but it isn't as though he hasn't been working his balls off trying to make enough money to shovel us out.
Survival, man... plain and simple.
We aren't exactly out of the woods yet, but the end of our bankruptcy can be as soon as April. So long as we didn't fuck anything up. I'm going to sit down and figure that out sometime in the very near future. Calculate all sources of income and deduct the applicable things... in my more 'normal' state (from before the new meds) I'd have been all up in that. Certainly for the first year, anyway... I haven't touched it yet.
I know... gasp!
I haven't been strong enough to face it. There wasn't anything I could do about it... there was no extra money to pay the Trustee. We've struggled hard the whole way through... and I know where nearly every penny in this house goes. I do not spend money on anything. No coffee, no lunches, no treats, no bottled water. I refuse. The only place we waste is on booze and let's face it. that has been the glue that has kept the wheels on this bus so lubricated all these years.
If we had been left to our own sober devices, we'd never have had sex. Not that we don't do it for each other - we super do! It's just that we've had some heavy shit. It's hard to come home after a week under an abusive boss, while dodging collection calls and cashing in bottles to get groceries... dealing with two young children and their varied needs... and then want to jump your partner.
Nuh-Uh... and you don't have all night to make that shit happen organically, because the rugrats rise early. I can remember standing in the shower, with a drink in my hand, winding myself up for our evening. Again, I do not mean to imply that he doesn't pop my cork, I mean that understandably, my cork sometimes takes longer to be popped. Especially if my mind is obsessing about bills and mortgages and all that good stuff.
We still waste money on booze. That is one of the tweaks I need to make going forward. I need to replace that habit with a healthier one that is also fun. Like dancing. Or walking on the harbour front. Or going on a day trip.
I guess what I'm saying here is:
I forgive myself my boo boos. (I think) But now it is time to build, rather than simply exist. I am tired of flapping along behind my life like a tattered dish rag. It is time to sit deeper in the saddle and tighten the reigns. I do not know how many more days of this life I have, and I've simply wasted too much time already on basic survival.
...if I had a drink, I'd toast it, alas I do not.
See? I'm better already!
D-Out
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