Behavior

I'm noticing some behavior changes with me of late.

I do not know if they are good, bad or indifferent.

It seems the tighter the restraint, the more my entire system fights it... and it fights hard.

I don't feel out of control. 

I like that. 

I hadn't felt in control of myself (as idiotic as that sounds) in quite a long, long time.
My edges have been worn down by circumstance... but not that far. I can't deal with lack of control.

I became attracted to the man who would become my husband, at the beginning of another steep manic swing. That is a true story.

I had 'known' him through the bank where I was a teller (or greeter or some other bullshit position) for close to three years, before deciding he was desirable.

Not insinuating he is not. He definitely pops my cork. There is no question there... it's just that at the time, it was like a switch turned on. Something I've experienced again in the past few years. 

I find it hard to differentiate between real feelings and manic 'behavior'. Sometimes, it feels like I have multiple soulmates. 

Sometimes I feel as though I could sustain multiple lovers. 

Oddly enough, it was my husband that pointed that out to me. 

He knows me so well. 

Too well. 

He keeps making reference to getting me through the next five or so years. That's assuming I am past my peak by fifty. I honestly hope I'm not. I know up until very recently, my mom still loved sex. She's seventy, and I think she still would if her partner wasn't experiencing issues in that department.

I hope that's me... just without the incapable partner.

Lately, I am acting like a puppet master. Not that I'm even good at that... but that is how I feel. Putting out just enough fodder so I can anticipate the behavior of others. 

Honestly, it's gross.

I adore my man, please don't misunderstand, but there are at least two others that could have me with no more than a nod. I know that would blow a hole in my life and I know I am supposed to protect my life at all costs, but none of that makes what I just stated any less true. 

The way I see it, I need to spread my needs over three men. I AM that much woman. I CAN offer that much in a relationship. Seriously, man. If you can tolerate my quirks with a good sense of humor, you would be well rewarded. I'm certainly not everybody's cup of tea... mostly people either love me or hate me. I'm not usually in between. But if you dig me, I can make your life amazing.

There is my heart - that is my husband. He certainly has and always will have that. He is the wish I made on every star, every birthday candle and every coin tossed in a well as a child. I always wanted true love. That was it. He is the giver of my babies and the keeper of my secrets. He is my best friend. He is unconditional... almost.

Then there is my body - that is my Beast. Physically, I crave him. My nerve endings call out to him in the middle of the night. I live in the constant fear I will say his name in my sleep, I dream of him so often. Never have I known another human to whom I have been so attracted. Never have I experienced withdrawal from something I've never tasted, the way I do with him. I fear the day I am free to experience him. 

By process of elimination, that leaves my brain... from which I seem to be separated often. JJ is the only man that ever outsmarted me. He is the only male I have never been able to figure out. Never been able to read, entirely. Even though I know unequivocally that he adores me... even to this very day. That even when "the stakes (were) incredibly high" and there was "much to lose", that he would "gladly spread (me) out for lunch any day of the week". 

It's a powerful tool, sexuality. I can (and do) attract all three of these components to my world with the same tool. Even though the itch each scratches for me is entirely different, I get all three the same way. It's odd. 

Actually, what is really rather hilarious, is the two I have experienced on a physical level, are  both incredible lovers, but it's the one I've never had, that I salivate for. The three of them have a certain facet to their personalities that I find adorable, funny, charming, sexy and intriguing … but there is scarcely a similarity between them.

One is kind and gentle and stalwart, while maintaining a fun and loving demeanor and is entirely devoted to my every need, wish and desire. One is a thrill seeker, stubborn and highly particular, but smart and sexy and super deep (when he opens his head up for perusal). He sets my system ablaze at the mere thought of him. And the third subject of my amour has had my heart the longest. Took my virginity. Graduated from an Ivy League school. Has a massive job - one that would send me into convulsions if I had to be the spouse at home... and he lights my brain on fire. Plus he has an adventurer's heart... but his level of stubborn mixed with my level of passion produces two outcomes: 1) Mind blowing sexual tension and release, and 2) Explosive fighting. We even used to fight physically. I broke a couple of my ribs, fighting against him when I was 17... over a movie, if you can imagine!

I can't decide if I am complicated, greedy or just incredibly dumb.

Really it is a little embarrassing.

As I make my way through middle age and struggle through the complications of my 'disorder', I learn things about myself that both enlighten and horrify me, daily. Even as I sit at my desk and type these words, I can feel Autumn's approach in my blood cells.

I can feel my energy waning... in preparation for the schedule changes Fall brings. 'Back to school'... Back to more rigid structure... Back to less sunshine.

I know this dip is temporary. Come the end of November, I will swing out into the stratosphere again. I will climb that roller coaster and work myself into a lather on the way to Christmas... and then I 'll eek my way through January, February and March... and then start the climb again.

Summer is always my longest manic phase. I do love the Summer months. Our weather seems to screw with my rhythms of late, but I'm finding I mostly follow the same pattern - year over year.

I've managed to get through this last phase without doing any sort of damage - I have to say that is improvement over the past few years. I also feel as though I can mostly control my emotions and desires... mostly. A little fantasy here and there can't be all that bad, can it? I guess as long as I manage to refrain from making fantasy real, all should be well.

For now, I'm merely along for the ride.