New Night - New Song - Old Mood


I don't really relate to this on a personal level, but on a 'wanting to submerse myself in drama-rama' level -  you have to admit this is a gooder.

You know what I find amusing about being so painfully self-aware? The shit you actually learn about your weird-assed self.

Oh... is that only me?

Fuck.

Well, I guess I'm just more interesting than most. 

I mean, I am pretty basic on a superficial level. I have issues with boundaries, filters and daddies... but who doesn't have issues? I don't think anyone would ever think I was overly complicated... but sometimes people fail to note the depth and breadth of their effect on me.

What I am observing during these past two to three weeks is that even my taste in music has changed. Isn't that weird? Like songs that have made me break out in spontaneous dance spurts for the past five or six months, suddenly irritate the shit outta me. 

A swing from manic to depressive and now happy music isn't allowed.

I fold in on myself when I'm in a low. My bestie actually points it out to me most times. I withdraw from my people, social media, even television. I'm not overly cranky or reactive. Not exactly sad, but really not my usual bubbly self. 

I'm not acting out in any notable way... but I'm twisty. 
I may or may not be laying traps. 
I haven't quite figured that out yet... if I am baiting my spouse. 
It seems like a thing I might do in this mindset. 
I must stay alert for signs that I'm looking for a fight.

I think I do that. Even though we really don't ever 'fight'... he just lets it roll off him. He doesn't fight. I think I would... but then, I don't fight with my kids unless it's a major issue. So perhaps not.

I really don't know... all this introspection and I'm still confused. 

Am I a pacifist or a warlord?
Game player or straight-shooter?
Pillar of strength or giant cream-puff?

I don't really consider myself 'tough', but I've survived a fuck of a lot... and mostly in front of the wide and prying eyes of my children. I might be noisy when I'm in this medium, but my kids don't have the first clue what has transpired in my world in this last decade. I've kept them safe and fed and loved. I've kept them close... and most importantly, I've kept them oblivious.

I can't be a total tool-bag of a mother and wife.

Why can't I just give myself credit where I can, and a break where I can't? 
Hm? 
I would if I were my own friend. I would give me a total pass. 
So why should I hold myself to a higher standard than the people around me? 
People I love, actually. 
That's kind of condescending, don't you think?

Ack! 
Now I'm condescending, too! 

Hurry up November... I need my manic back!

D-Out

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