Friday, June 25, 2010

Mr Dragonfly

I have to share something. 

It won't change the world.

It won't cure any awful disease. 

It may not even provide a daily smile for any of you.

I need to share it just the same. Just to have put it in print somewhere other than on my heart.

I feel pretty lucky most of the time that I have that husband of mine in my life. I mean, he drives me batty some of the time, what with snoring loudly and keeping me awake ... and not refilling TP rolls or replenishing the molecular footprint of soap with a new bar. But when you break it down to brass tacks, I am pretty darned blessed all the way 'round.

I think in some dark (and no doubt, cobweb laden) recess of my wacky mind, that I am afraid to just be happy. It seems 'reedonkulous' to think (much less write) such a thing, but the evidence is fairly glaring. I mean, could it be that I am 'skairt' - right to my toenails that if I am outwardly happy, someone or thing will attempt to rectify that, post haste?


This is a truth that is a little ugly in the bright light of day.

I'm not diminishing the strain of the past several months, or weeks for that matter ... but we are okay. We're getting where we need to go. We've made it ... pretty much. Things should start to get easier fairly soon. Hubs and I are still tight. A few bruises, but no deep scars. 

So, why am I still so snarly all the time? I mean, I can rationalize with the best ... I spend all my energy at work trying to be pleasant around Narci and wading through the slops that have become my career, but that isn't really a viable excuse. Especially since I am taking measures to rectify that (more on that another time). I have been exceedingly tired of late and there is something amiss with my legs (yes I have a doctor appointment set up, but it takes 3 weeks to get in to see my doc) so ... I guess maybe that could account for some growliness - I'm sore and very tired, but I am not a very nice person lately ... at least not to him, or my kids.

I have found, upon close consideration, that I feel pretty blessed to be loved so well in spite of my shortcomings as a woman/wife/mother/human being ... but what I have learned most recently is that my husband loves me so well because of those very shortcomings that leave me so ashamed. He embraces every facet of my mind, body and soul ... and loves me for all the pieces that fit together to make me ~ me. I've never been loved by anyone (that didn't actually give birth to me) so unconditionally ... I have my doubts many people are.

Seems a compelling reason to "scratch my happy place and get glad". Thanks - I just really needed to get that off my chest.


JJ said...

I'm glad to see this written down. Good for you! Have fun scratching that happy place...

BlackLOG said...

You know it's true love when the chips are down and your other half gets stronger for you. Hang in there things will get better....

brite said...

"I am afraid to just be happy"
I could write you a long winded explanation as to why this is so, but it isn't feel this deep in your head/soul and you recognize the truth in it.
Stop being afraid, start being happy, it's all right there waiting for you to start feeling that way!
And yes, your wonderful hub knows this too!

The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

I think that was the BEST post I have ever read.

You done good. Real good.

More later...battery is going....