Monday, February 22, 2010

Where Oh Where...

Has fun Danica gone? Oh where oh where can she beeee???

It's Monday.

I originally started writing this blog post on Friday ... I am just not 'feeling myself' these days. (My mother always told me that was a dirty habit anyway ... snort ... okay, so I'm still in here with my twisty humor, it's just subdued somewhat.)

I think Stretch and I need to start attending therapy together. It should be called: "Child Neck Wringing Aversion Therapy". I will preface the following with a disclaimer: Much of this behavior is likely due to her reaction to me and my overall lack of patience ... tolerance ... sleep ... sense of ha ha ... patience ... aggression avoidance ability ... I could go on, but you get the point. My children are my entire reason for being (most of the time). I would peel my own skin off with a cheese grater if it meant saving them from harm ... but so help me ...

Stretch is a pretty smart kid.... so, it begs the question: WHY - Oh fruit of my loins are you daring me to hurt you? Why must you hammer my buttons with such alarming acuity? Hmmm? Testing the bounds of motherly love, are we?


Let me save you the trouble, sweet child o mine - it isn't as boundless as the posters and long distance commercials make it seem. There have been days ... very recently, in fact, that I have had a hard time walking away from her and her saucy puss. Moments when I want to hurt her. I was washing her hair the other night after a particularly grueling evening and so help me, I was rough. She has a fairly sensitive scalp and she was wailing ... Shorty was at the end of the tub looking up at me saying: "No parent should ever do that to their kids". She's right to a certain extent ... I mean they were both seriously over reacting, but the fact is - I have so much excess bullshit going on in my head right now, I can't seem to deal. That isn't their fault. I am the adult - I am supposed to be able to put up with their crap - no matter what.

Yet, I am not... and I hate myself, my husband, my boss, my mother, my life, and anything I forgot to mention for it. I am floundering and it is everybody's fault it would seem... I do not want to be this person/wife/mother. I do not want to live without my sense of ha ha... not even if it is just for a few months in the winter.

Last week was a  challenging one, from the beginning. We had both an in-service and a snow day and my girls were shack-happy. Hubs has been working insane hours from home and this left them somewhat to their own devices ... not so much of a good thing, really.

Come Friday evening, my house looked as though someone had picked it up and shaken it ... violently. Our house is big - like over 3000 square feet of interior space, big ... 3000 sq ft of semi flat surfaces on which copious amounts of kid crap can live ... not to mention husband, pet and general household crap. (Merely setting the tone for my over all mood when I came home  ... freshly freed from the grip of the Narcissus.) The dishwasher was full to overflowing with dirty dishes ... sigh. The kitchen sink was full of more dirty dishes, the girls had been doing crafts at the dining room table and there was everything from marker and sparkles to paint and popsicle stix glued to my prized possession (my table) - the house was disgraceful ...

Thankfully (to whatever brainwave told me to succumb to the rantings of my offspring as I picked them up from their father's custody) I bought them dinner from the drive thru on the way home. I wound up having a bagel for my dinner. I cleaned up the kitchen (a little) and retired to the living room and my comfy chair with my book ... shutting out reality on the whole. The kids were still up when my Hubs got home and we put them to bed. All the while I am feeling this guilty/aggressive/passive/angry tug at my innards. I was angry with him for leaving things in such a state, then guilty because he's worked like a zillion hours these past two weeks, then guilty some more for not cooking him and Mom their dinner then aggressive because of that guilt and passive because I didn't put my own kids to bed ...

Do you think they'd cart me off to a nice peaceful rubber room if I threw myself on the floor wailing: IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IT'S NOT FAIR ... while kicking and punching everything in sight? Seems to work for Stretch when she needs to vent.


I think I may have mentioned I have been in a bit of a funk ... did I? I hate February ... it is the "Wednesday of the year" in my world. Oh -  and for the record, I hate Wednesdays too.

I need a coping mechanism.

8 comments:

Xtreme said...

Coping mechanism? You mean rum doesn't count?? How about vodka then, or beer? Still no? Stupid therapists, what do they know, anyhow.

The Management said...

Oh, honey, I know how you feel. Lately I've been much the same. Only when my house is destroyed, I do get mad at my wife. (*psst* the baby sleeps through the night.) If we were all perfect parents then our kids would all be the same and it woul dbe boring as shit. We yell and scream and overreact and sometimes hurt but, if your kids are as smart as mine, they've already figured out the "if I just say nothing while I'm catching hell they'll just forget about it" ploy. We have to get through somehow and kids, no matter what the 'experts' say, are not adults.

Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

yeah----we are the adults...but are we ****really****supposed to be able to deal with all their crap "no matter what"?

'Cause I for one think that is a pretty tall order to fill. One that constantly makes me feel like a complete failure.

We are, after all, only human beings. Minus super hero powers, despite what the world should have us believe.

The guilt is a kicker though, I whole heartedly agree with that.

I am begining to really resent that emotion. No one really deserves it. February is slipping away...

Xtreme said...

Stupid thing didn't let me finish. You do need to talk to the hubby (not yell) about how you feel (yes, I sound all fem here) but chances are, as he is a man, after all, that he hasn't figured out that he's part of the problem, and therefore part of the solution. Being a dumb boy myself, I can see what's going on there, and if you don't talk to him you'll just resent him until you snap all over his dumb boy head.

Amethyst Anne said...

Oh honey, I hear you on the guilt, the anger and the like and let me tell you as parents there is no one standing there handing out gold stars when we do a good job. Nobody takes them away either. We can't always have great gold star parenting days- much like our children can't be angels every day! So do not beat yourself up!!
As for the rest of it, you must remember to take some time for you ( I know I know- easier said than done!!) but you are a full time worker bee, you are a full time Mom, and Wife. One of these things can be exhausting let alone combining them together.
Sometimes, you have to throw up your hands and say " Fuck it! You know what? Mommy/Dani/Wifey needs a time out, some time for me" and go curl up in that chair, go have a long bath and NOT feel guilty about it!
We cannot be expected to be everything to everyone all the time, smile and whiz around like superwoman all of the time. You need to recharge/relax and allow yourself some guilt free time.
However if you ever do want to pitch fit and stomp around like a pissed off elephant this is better accomplished in a group of good friends who will throw stuff down for you to stomp on.
*throws down a couple of plates*
"Stomp away my friend- we're here for you!"

Eyvi Sprite said...

Ahh, the winter blahs. Spreading their fuckery all over the place. I feel your pain, you know I do.

brite said...

Arrrrrrrrgh! Will this February fuckery never end? I feel your pain Dani dear...and don't sweat the 'parental guilt' thing, it's unavoidable...even if you could be the 'perfect parent' you'd feel guilty about that too.To put it in perspective, try and remember the worst thing your parents ever did to you and how much it impacts your life now...

Spot said...

Oh girl! I get you. But you are a good parent. You know why? Because you did absolutely the right thing. You took a time out in your chair with your book, instead of strangling them. Never ever feel guilty for knowing when you just can't cope and need to remove yourself before someone gets hurt. Bad parents don't have that kind of control!!

I totally support the "sometimes you just need to check out" rule of thumb. Don't feel guilty, because in the long run your kids benefit from the fact that you got some peace of mind.

And last I checked...your hubby and your mom were adults and perfectly capable of cooking their own dinner or getting takeout.

I'm only an email away. Loves.

♥Spot