Hollow Bunny

I feel hollow.

Not sure of how else to describe it...

Empty

Void

Vacuous

All I seem to want to do is eat... or sleep... but mostly eat.

It is so strange to be so intimately aware of this particular pathos of mine.

The awareness doesn't do much to deter the urge, however.

I want to numb.

Even more than usual.

There are no obvious reasons.

I'm just stuck on my back in a deep rut... way down in the doldrums.

My spouse threw a hissy fit because I failed to praise his contribution to the household the other day. He had mopped the floors and I did not notice. 

Full on hissy fit ~ Thrown.

Sexy, that.

Seriously, dude! Are you freakin' kidding me? Do you have the first clue how much shit I do around our home?

Please don't misunderstand, I appreciated it immensely.

Clearly, I have been negligent in my duties around major jobs like mopping.

I have been stymied by a headache that will not let go.

Mopping and vacuuming have been off my list for the past several weeks.

In his defense, he was already pissy with me due to my attendance at a three hour lunch thrown by my employer. I had inadvertently left my phone behind in the office and he had apparently been trying to get a hold of me. Based on his level of attitude, I honestly believe he thought I was out misbehaving on company time. There is really no other explanation of his behavior toward me when I got home... and then to have failed to turn cartwheels about his precious gift to me of clean floors... well! I was in the dog house for sure.

Except that I threw a very quiet and passive aggressive tantrum of my own. It's just that nobody noticed it.

I used nearly everything in my arsenal to swallow hard and push down the vehement anger that arose at first signs of his annoyance. I know he sniffed out the impending eruption, because he let it go when I said I was merely tired. He almost never lets me off when I'm so obviously perturbed with him... 

What do I plan to do about it?

Meh... eat something.

Stuff it down... until I want to puke.

That's my go-to response.

There seems to be a rift of one sort or another with every one of my interpersonal relationships of late. I don't seem to be relating on an attractive level to anyone. Since I am the only common denominator, it seems more than plausible that I am the problem. I don't see it that way, of course - but it is exceedingly difficult to view another's perspective through your own.

Either way, I feel as though I am hanging on by my finger nails lately. Spring can't possibly come soon enough. I'm fearful of needing medication adjustments. I am taking so much shit right now between my 'condition' and my headache. I'm popping 7 prescribed pills per day and whatever over the counter stuff takes the worst edges off my head. My poor liver and kidneys are going to commit mutiny soon. I do not like being dependent on so much medication.

Sadly, I seem to need it and possibly more. I'm walking around like I've been punched in the face. I'm dizzy in turns, have had blurry vision off and on, and my cheeks and nose are often flushed red. I'm in an enormous amount of pain and there is very little relief from it. My doctor says it's tension... but I am fearful it is something a little more sinister than that. I'm trying to get approved for life insurance - it would be a particularly bad time to get any sort of negative diagnosis... not that there would ever be a 'good' time. I'm bright enough to not google my symptoms... but my mind races with possibilities: Untreated Sinus Infection that has spread to my brain, Tumor, Stroke. They are all possibilities.

I'm going to have to go back to my doc and insist on further testing. That is likely to take for freaking ever to happen. In the meantime, I'm left nearly incapacitated with head pain. 

It's exhausting.

...and it makes me just a little crazier than the norm.

My obsessive compulsive demons are out in full force.

You know, it never seems to matter which crutch I land on, they are all equally destructive. Whether it's money, food, sex or organizing obsessively - I wind up suffering.

All I can say right now is that this needs to stop. I can't gain anymore weight. I can't go back to being as heavy as I was. I can't stand being as heavy as I am... but the compulsion to keep stuffing food into my mouth is nearly as strong as my compulsion to breathe some days. It's as though I'm feeding the headache apart from my body to appease it... just keeping the demon placated.

I just want to exist without the pain. Is that such a big ask? Just sit back and enjoy the changing season with my usual joy over the impending summer weather.

It's just that between my bankruptcy being extended another year, the pain in my head and my overriding compulsion to eat... I can't sit still at any turn. My only respite is sleep and even there, I am haunted by nightmares and unpleasant dreams.

Argh!

D-Out