There is Something of Value in Here Somewhere

I believe there is something in me that is worth writing... I just can't find it.

There are snippits of brilliance that come to me during the day... while I do dishes... while I'm driving... shear brilliance... alas, no such masterpiece ever makes it to my laptop.

I am unhappy.
I don't want to be unhappy... but I am unhappy.

Work has been sucking the life out of me for past few weeks. 
I mean, I still love my job and it's still far and away the best I've ever been treated in an employment situation, but my boss has been super stressed lately and shit certainly rolls down hill there. 
There is an event... "THE" event coming up next month. 
It's been tense, let's just say.
She makes me uptight.
Uptight-er than I would naturally be... in fact, I think I may possibly be the calm one.
Digest that for a moment.
FUCK!!!
We are SCREWED!

She actually told me what a calming force I can be.
Pretty funny if you ask me... though I was always calming for Stretch... so this should tell you how much of a swing we're talking here... and "THE" event is next month... oy!

My weekend away was disappointing... I've said what I'm gonna say about that.

My 'bestie' and I are on the outs.

Oh and I was declined for life insurance and a car loan... the dealership called me about... on the same day. The same dealership that referred to me as "The Wifey" to my husband. Ask me if I was amused... especially since the guy that took the credit app, was a guy I knew from my mortgage days. It felt nice sitting in my dirty laundry in front of that guy.

Was choice, that moment.

I'm feeling very gross about everything and I needed a win that didn't come through. 
Plus I'm feeling guilty for feeling the way I do! 
I don't think it was any one fault that foiled any one thing or another. 
Just a series of turns that didn't land quite right. 
Not catastrophic but, rubbing your nose in your own shit, kinda stuff. 
In every situation I listed. 
Same message.
I don't get it.
Maybe I'm dumb, but I don't see the lesson... other than I suck, but I knew that. 
I've known it for a long time... must I still have my nose rubbed in it? 

Dinner this evening, consisted of chicken nuggets and |Kraft dinner. That's how depressed I am.
Seriously.
Kraft fucking dinner!

I may need aversion therapy... every time I reach for a blue and yellow box, slap me.
Damn!
I had originally planned to make shepherd's pie... 
This day kicked my ass.

GAAAAHHHH!!!!

I just want to peel off my skin and start over... slink back into the primordial goo... be reborn.

Great. Now I am crying again. I seem to be a very easy tear-target the past two days.

I heard a Sarah McLachlan song in the car today. It made me cry like a wing nut.

I need to get off this kick and go busy myself with something productive... that's the pathos with me... I'll just go and 'do' something... kitchen, laundry or bathroom? I'm sure all three could use some sort of cleaning or sorting. Maybe a litter box...

D-out

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