Sometimes, I Can Be a Real Dick

It's true... I super can.

Being as highly self aware as I have been of late, that knowledge doesn't waft past me like it used to do.

Yesterday, I had to run a particularly unpleasant errand on my way home from work. It was something I didn't want to have to do AND, it is in a location that is a nightmare to get in and out of.

Long story short, I was in a state of high irritation before I even got there.

I got into the parking lot without too much ado, but upon leaving, I had to pull out into one of the worst 'round-abouts' or 'rotaries' in our fair city. It was nearing 4pm and the traffic was already a little on the stupid side. I was turning right, out of the driveway into what immediately turns into 3 solid lanes of traffic - which at that hour of the day, is mostly stopped... waiting for a chance to floor it into the circular nightmare that awaits... and will ultimately spit you out some other exit and send you on your merry way... providing you land in the proper lane for your exit. 

So I'm waiting for some kind soul to let me out... and then one arrives. Problem being that I now need to pull out in front of this lovely man that stopped to let me out AND wait for the kindness of another to let me into the second lane... otherwise, I'll wind up dispatched in the wrong direction.

Enter dumb 60+ Barbie wannabe... who looked at me, and then promptly pulled into the space that would have seen me placed in my proper lane.

I know, I know... please refer to the title of this post.

I flipped her the bird. (I'm a real lady behind the wheel) She failed to notice, so I tried again when the guy behind her stopped to let me out after noting I was clearly a psychopath he'd rather have in front of him than beside or behind. 

So I flipped her the bird again once I was in view of her rear-view mirror. (Classy, wha'?) Meanwhile, I see the really nice guy pull up beside me and shake his head at my antics - shame point number one. At this stage I was aware that I was being a dick, but I had just a little more in me before I could let it slide. Yep - this dumb bitch needed to know she was a dumb bitch and I was gonna be her schooling for the day. 

I pulled up beside her, looked into her passenger window and mouthed the words "you are a fucking bitch" and then proceeded to speed away into the rotary and then flung myself out the other side.

I don't think I was actually even out of the stupid traffic circle before the shame of the whole thing settled on me like a bout of nausea. I don't love this alter ego I seem to have when the stars align just right. I'm usually a nice person. Usually give most people the benefit of the doubt... Not when I am under-medicated for my condition and behind the wheel of a vehicle. I am a nightmare when those two things come together.

It's actually how I now confirm that my meds are no longer doing their job. I hate it... and I hate what it means, too. It signals the need for another visit to my doctor - which takes 3-5 weeks, and an increase in dosing on the mood stabilizer I am taking... which means an increase in side effects caused by said medication.

What are my alternatives, though? I can't be driving around the city the volatile mess that I appear to be, hoping nobody angers the beast within. I'm likely to get myself killed. Also, I fold in on myself during these times. It's a method of protection while I am all inside out and raw to the world. I just curl up into a metaphorical ball, with the bulk of my bones on the outside, and my tender underbelly secured inside the circle.

That generally angers those closest to me in life... well, outside of my husband. He usually just 'assumes the position' and waits for me to pull myself out of the deep dark hole that is my depressive swing.

I hate it! I hate myself when I am in it! And it feels even worse now that I am so hyper aware of my behavior out in the world... at least before I had my head up my ass, whilst curled in said ball. It was much easier to be oblivious of my dick-like behavior.

GAH!

Stupid enlightenment and self awareness!