Pity Party For One...

I am so friggen blue.

I keep telling myself that everything is great, and I just need to shake this off and all will be well...

Just shake it off, already.

Except... maybe that isn't entirely true. 

My 'bestie' expressed her interest in seeing Bohemian Rhapsody with me, as we are both big Queen fans... I agreed. I even followed up when the movie was released.

No plans were made.

I found out this morning that she has seen it with her boyfriend... and it was aH-MAZing!! 

That was hurtful.

My birthday was Tuesday. Not a special birthday... but my day.

My Mom and middle sister texted me, my father wished me a happy birthday on facebook and my kids completely forgot about it... evidently, so did my youngest sister, as I have still not heard from her. This on the heels of cancelling my party because nobody seemed overly interested in attending.

Am I disposable?
I feel disposable.

I seem to exert a large amount of effort on other people.

Why does nobody make a big deal about me?

I know I sound like a child, but I can't help myself.
It friggen hurts... this year, at least.

Am I so out of touch with how others feel about me?
Am I unlikable?
Do the people in my life not give enough of a shit about me to bother?

I make an effort. I send cards, I go to offices and drop off thoughtful pressies. I call.

I have been eating my feelings for weeks.
Now I have two kinds of birthday cake at home, because my husband is attempting to overcompensate for the lack of care from my 'people'... (Who am I kidding? I have no people.) God love him... he tried, but even he shit the bed a little. I've been hearing about what he should've done... because I'm a big fan of that. He tried, at least.

Anyway, I ate cheesecake for breakfast yesterday... and not one, but TWO pieces of ice cream cake last night before I waddled off to bed. I'm gaining weight.... that is not a good thing. Of all the things that could irrevocably push me over the edge, getting super fat again will kill me.

And yet, I am about to eat cheesecake for breakfast again.

These past several weeks have been tough for me. I'm low and have low energy. My view is a little on the tinted side. I wanted to make myself feel better by forcing the people in my world to pay attention to me. Make a 'deal'... didn't have to be a super big deal... just a deal.

Boy! Did that ever backfire!
I guess that's what I get for being so goddamned needy.

But even people who should be falling over themselves to wish me happy things, did not. People whom I have lifted out of the worst parts of their lives. People who tell me I'm an amazing person and that I deserve the best of everything... crickets.
I just don't get it.

I'm so heartbroken. I've been sooking and going on for two days. I burst into tears last night when I told my husband about the movie. I wouldn't be shocked to learn he contacts her to tell her how she hurt me, but I hope he doesn't. She knew... I heard it in her voice when she told me she had gone. There is nothing to be gained by anybody speaking their mind.

Boo...

I don't even like me.