The Troll Under the Bridge

~Disclaimer~

I am NOT looking for sympathy ... I am bitching to vent - because I don't have room in my head for the petty stupid crap that is elbowing its way through my thoughts right now.

Ladies ... start your engines.

Today is Shorty's birthday party. Her 5th birthday is on Tuesday, but parties are better held on weekends, no? She went to a birthday at McDonalds just after Christmas and has been obsessed with that idea ever since ... counting down the days ... planning her guest list. We gave her the choice of venues - even a house party like we had for her sister in January - but she opted for Mickey-D's.

Enter my sister. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate anything that is done for my kids - I do. My sister is not overly involved in my kids' lives. She is busy planning her move to the UK at the end of the month and she also blames me for being overprotective in not allowing her to drive them all over hell's half acre. It's a sore spot. I won't elaborate any farther on that. 

So, 'Sissy' had promised for Stretch's birthday (that she did not attend) that she would take both of them to do something special for a joint celebration. At the time, it was going to be skiing. Time passed and I was not really comfy with skiing, but I would have consented had plans actually been made - they were not. Then swimming was mentioned. I had made the comment to my mother that I thought swimming might be better ... as the girls at least knew how to do that and had done it before. (Bearing in mind that Sissy NEVER spoke a word directly to me - all plans were made with Mom and my kids with my involvement being secondary)

Last night, my mother - while on the phone with my sister, announces that Sissy is taking them swimming at the indoor pool. Yes - I am feeling petty. I am gathering that I am deficient somehow in motherly selflessness. I am happy that Shorty and Stretch are going to do something fun - heaven only knows that we have not been doing a whole lot of extra curricular stuff with them ... it is such a struggle just running the house and working so many hours between us. We are in survival mode ... all auxiliary systems are powered down. But gawd! This feels like a bitch slap.

I have been walking around inside out - especially this past week. Between Hubs and his job, Narci and his ... well ... Narci-ness, and the fact that Eyvi is leaving. (side bar DON'T READ THIS PART EYVI - I am so happy and relieved for her ... she deserves to be happy and I worked for  Narci - the - snatch - maggot for over 4 years before she came along ... but she has been a lonely bright spot for me and I am having a rough time with seeing her go ... I will not show that to her if I can swing it, but it is a cold realization for me) So, yeah ... inside out. Not an ideal time for folk to be poking me.

And while we are at it - why in the hell did you have to steal the only thunder I have had with my kids in a good while? Why? I couldn't be the provider of their excitement for today? The party wasn't enough? It will pale in comparison after swimming.

Add to that the perpetual stream of comments from my mother. I don't think she realizes - I really don't ... but it is at the point of physical pain for me to hear this on a constant note. This morning, my girls came barreling into my room screaming the whole way about going swimming with Aunti - BEFORE the birthday party. They were so excited. Then, a few minutes later I hear Mom in the kitchen saying "I guess I'll have to get you breakfast" (I will point out that my knowledge of their swim date and time began when my girls came in this morning) ... then, Stretch comes in the bedroom with a bottle of Flintstone vitamins that Gamma had bought a few days before saying: kids who don't eat a balanced diet should take a vitamin every day ... and I can't help but feel that this was a quote from Mom. THEN - Stretch is trying to tie something and she says: Man! I really need to learn how to tie!! and Mom says Man! I guess I really need to teach you!!

I am inside out - people ... nerves on the outside of my skin ... raw to the elements. I am not presently capable of adding a grain of salt to anything. The fact that it is going to rain tomorrow is a personal affront to me today.

BACK OFF! And stop undermining what I bring to my kids' lives - wouldja? Okay - fine ... I have not made it a priority to teach Stretch to tie ... sue me. She has velcro. I have though, taken the time to teach her about personal space, bullies, standing up for what she believes in, being a good friend ... not to mention giving her a killer vocabulary and a love for all things science. I am NOT a complete failure ... and I resent the implication that I am.

This is how I came to be sitting under the bridge ... hiding from the pain I am feeling today. I can't stay here  long because I have a house to clean, laundry to do, a party to attend (no matter how lack luster it will appear after the morning), presents to wrap and a week's worth of meals to plan ... not to mention begging a creditor or two to give me just a little more time to pay them what I promised.

Would it be bad form to attend my 5 year old's birthday party drunk? Hm?