Cuckoo Ka Choo Choo

ALL ABOARD!

It's time for a ride on the crazy train, folks.

I am neurotic. 

I know ... *GASP*, right? 

Seriously though ... I am not unaware of my short comings as a humanoid. I suffer from an upsy-downsy sort of existence even when the terrain around me is relatively mundane. I honestly thought for most of my life (to this point) that it was an anti-boredom mechanism built into my drama soaked brain. So, for the most part, I have been inclined to embrace it somewhat.

Here is a highly inconvenient truth for me to chew on - neurosis does not a successful business starter-upper, make. 

Let me give you a visual for instance:

click click click click ... click ...

So we get started on the climb.

This is the more labour intensive part of the process, but oddly is the part in which I am most comfortable - mostly because there is action on my part and therefore, I have a false sense of control.

I like control.

I know ... *GASP*, right?

I get a call for a quote. (Seriously, how much do you love that I made myself a stick figure with jugs?)

click click click ... click ... click ...

The prospective client meets me and I sell them on the benefits and value of my service.

click click ....click ...

The day comes and I perform my service ... they are thrilled and pay me.

click ... click ...  

My mood is super high!

I am on top of the world! My mind is fertile and the ideas are flowing like a leaky box of cheap wine. The future of my business is bright and subsequently, all our financial woes are in danger of being eradicated!

... click ...

The bottom falls out of my life.

WHOOSH!

The power company informs us that we have two days to come up with two grand or our service is being cut... Our second mortgage payment gets screwed up in this mix of begging for mercy and finding sufficient hush money to throw at them... This creates an additional $65 in service fees between our bank's NSF fees and the lender's... Then, the car payment is shorted in the attempt and a payment that was originally $159.00 is now subject to an additional $120.00 in service charges... The second mortgage - after having been late last month due to the screw up, is then due again and we were $26 short to cover the PAC when it tries to clear... We transfer the money and call to ensure the payment is covered - we are assured it is fine, only to learn that it is NOT in fact fine and the payment gets sent back a second time - thus creating not only another $65 worth of fees, but also cancelling the automatic PAC - so now, we have to DRIVE TO THE GOD FORSAKEN LENDER EVERY FLIPPING MONTH AND PAY CASH! (because they will no longer accept cheques from the likes of us, either)... The first mortgage payment is then shorted because of this game of Financial Twister that we are playing... That creates another $120.00 worth of service charges to be tacked on... Oh, and the brakes went in the truck... So we can't drive anywhere until they are fixed ... and I have two jobs that need to be quoted this week.

Here's another inconvenient truth - brakes cost money to fix. 

Actually, so does food... and entertainment for two children that are off school and have ZERO to do. THIS SUCKS!!! We haven't even been able to go camping due to either gross lack of funds, or vehicle issues.

GAH!

I am in a state of mania. I am wound so tight, you could likely shove a lump of coal up my ass and get a diamond in 24 hours. We have decided that we need to try to sell the house again. Even if we just get enough to get the hell out without losing it, we'll be much farther ahead. We won't qualify for another mortgage for a number of years, but at least we could ... someday. Not so, if we lose it.

This sounds like a reasonable plan, right? Yeah ... well we are in a super flat market and THIS house, for which I still require a fairly pretty penny, is in need of some work... and here's the third inconvenient truth of the day, THAT, my frens also costs money. Lots of it.

We are going to try anyway ... throw it to the wind and hope, pray and possibly negotiate with Satan a little that it will work out. And if not ... well ... I guess we'll move onto 'plan G' ... or are we at 'plan H' already? I dunno ... we'll do something. Maybe have a REALLY big bonfire ... and roast some big assed marshmallows on the burnt out shell of our life.

(Holy crap, I just googled mania and I truly may fall right into that definition.) Yikes. NOPE! I reject that diagnosis ... I can NOT afford any more meds.

It is such a kick in the crotch to have worked so hard all these years, flipping houses to get here ... only to screw it up so colossally, that we find ourselves facing choices that are nearly indigestible.

Honestly, if it was just me and Hubs ... this would have been an easy decision. But it isn't. There's Shorty and Stretch ... not to mention my three cats, a dog and our fish ... who has chosen now to get sick and act like he's going to live up to his reputation of "heartache in a bowl". Oh well ... one less mouth to feed... maybe I could feed him to the cats ...

The truly sad thing is that I would be so grateful to stop feeling like I am about to stroke out at any moment, that I really don't even care anymore. I'm so tired ... and cranky and vile and sad and embarrassed and ashamed and scared and sad some more... and tired some more. So tired, I can't even sleep the past few days.

This is so old.

I love my peeps more than anything on this ol' rock we call home. I am responsible for their well being. I am responsible for my own, for that matter. I don't know how much fight is left in me at this point and I am starting to reconcile myself with the worst case scenario here. It's not like we are battling a life threatening disease or anything. I mean ... we're looking at packing our shit, finding a rental and suffering through a foreclosure and I suppose another bankruptcy. Easy breezy, right? Well ... no ... not so much, but we'd survive it.

Doesn't seem overly palatable to me - especially given my background ... but if given the choice between hardships, I'd still choose this eventuality over one of us being sick or injured ... or worse. It's just that I now live in fear that we'll drag ourselves through this ... on our faces ... by our eyelashes (as we have been doing) and when we finally get the wheels back on the bus, something (else) horrible is going to happen.

Somehow, that doesn't really make me feel a great deal better in this moment.

Universe, I need you to cut me some slack here. I realize I'm not in a bargaining position, but I'm asking. We either need to luck into a buyer for this house (for enough money to actually get out) or we need a very large financial shift for the better ... and I will make this distinction: NOBODY can get hurt or sick or die in order to fulfill this request ... k?

So ... a big contract for Hubs' business ... or mine ... or a lotto win - $50K would be great! ... or a buyer for the house ... or a really good job (for either of us - we're both looking) ... or some real assistance from CMHC's default management department (whom I will be contacting this week to see if there is any help available for us) ... any of those things would be super.

Mm K. So we're good?

K - great ... I'll be here. You just let me know what you need me to do.

D - out.