Wednesday, July 10, 2013

...and now for something completely different

I'm going to be entirely self-indulgent.

Cripes ... I couldn't even type that without snorting out loud.

I think I have successfully chased away all of my readers ... or certainly anyone who ever comments. That's alright, it would be much better for me if I could just be completely candid and unedited. I doubt it's going to happen, but it's worth a try, I suppose. I am so bloody worried about what others think of me, I'm becoming a pathological obsessive freakazoid. 

I had this long conversation in my head today while I was having a shower. I was having it with JJ (the conversation, not the shower). 

~ I am still going to meet with him to discuss the possibility of doing some work with his employer. It would be a cherry gig if I could get it. Honestly, it would give my company a massive punt forward. For better or for worse, really. It would either prove to me once and for all that I CAN actually do this ... or that I can't. Either way, it saves me a whole lotta time and heart ache. 

It is important that I follow this up. I am afraid, though. For some disturbing reasons, too. The worst of which has to be that I am OBSESSED with 'how attractive' he finds me, when we meet. Like I'm 'right stupid in the head' with it. It means the world to me that he not only thinks it, but voices it. ~

Uh ... why Bambi?

Anyway, I was having this conversation ... with JJ ... in my head (nothing crazy to see here) ... while having a shower - and the things I learned about my own life were really rather striking. I was regaling him about my life - including, but not limited to - my crazy, in all its glory. I was even toying with the idea of telling him about this blog for the love of gawd! Could I BE any more needy? I mean, why don't I just jump up and down in front of him, yelling "praise me, like me, want me!!!"? Perhaps even topless. I have no shame, it would seem.

What is the matter with the way I am wired that I act like this?

I feel like I want to understand - maybe I would be sorry to, though. Seriously ... I was gushing about how super fabulous my husband is and how easily he can 'work' me (... as opposed to the way JJ and I used to solve our disagreements - by throwing temper tantrums that almost always resulted in me being hurt somehow) and how peaceful our existence together is. It was almost a physical pleasure that I got from that. Then, I over shared (in my pretend conversation ... in my head ... in my shower) and now I feel guilty for it.

I'm fuckin' losing it.
I've fuckin' lost it.

Why do I want approval from this man? Is it because I secretly hope he regrets what he did to me all those years ago? Am I really that tragic and petty? (That was rhetorical, PLEASE do not confirm this for me - I'm too fragile) I'm supposed to be better than that. I'm a high road walker (that's not slang for an inebriated whore, either). It is somewhat disconcerting that I have digressed this much in the last 15 or so years ... perhaps even devolved a little.

I'm disappointed in myself. I don't really know what to do with that.

I guess as long as these are just thoughts in my head, I can ignore them. What do you figure the chances are that they'll stay there? Especially now that I have assigned them words?

I need to meet with this man, display some semblance of believable sanity, NOT over share, be "nice" and get what I actually need from him: an influential business contact. That's it.

Could I grow up just enough to actually pull that off?

Guess we'll find out next week - that is when I am aiming to approach him again. That's a three week lapse ... should be sufficient lag, shouldn't it? (ACK! Games people play)

...and on that note:

1 comment:

brite said...

"I am so bloody worried about what others think of me,"

Uhm, personally, I think you're fabulous.

I'm still here reading, if not commenting because:
a) you can write...even in your darkest moments you are witty and erudite
b)you're one of my best friends I've never met
c)your introspection makes me examine similar things/feelingz I have in my own life, this is a good thing.
I could write many paragraphs about your current situation re: the old ex; been there, sorta still doing it myself, but you don't need to hear MY story, you're going to figure this out just fine. :)