Thursday, May 23, 2013

Oh Lord, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood ...

This is such a fear for me that I tend to explain myself into either crazy stalker status or drive people away with my incessant justification, reasoning and explanation... not to mention waffling, retooling and general pain-in-the-assery. It drives people away. The very people to whom I want to be closest.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

I often contemplate whether I am wasting precious energy trying to understand why I do, say and feel the things I do. My official position on this is that it's all part of making positive change. I am beginning to wonder if I should just continue living under the assumption that I am 'normal' (whatever in the hell THAT is) and stop trying to make something interesting out of it.

There are a couple of festering situations wreaking havoc on my world just now. They are keeping me awake at night ... haunting my thoughts during the day and basically derailing any actual progress ... in any of the areas in question.

In no particular order of importance, the following diatribe is meant to exhaust some of my desire to explain myself ... without actually DOING it to the people involved in these situations:

My Business ... is hard. Well ... the business is not hard, it's the acquisition of the business that is making me want to wail. I never expected it to take off like a wildfire ... I hoped ... I fantasized ... I even focused very hard on the whole 'positive energy out into the universe and its ability to create abundance', but I never had an expectation of immediate greatness in self employment ... I mean this is ME we're talking about. I have a few cool talents, but I have massive inner limitations, too. I hates them. 

What I did however expect, was to have supplied more than ONE complete stranger with my services after three and a half months of constant effort on my part to find business. Constant effort ... hmmm. That seems to have varying degrees of meaning in the world. My idea of constant effort is not cutting the mustard. It is exhausting me, but it is not providing results ... and I am meeting my counselor today for a 'talk' ... to which, I am not looking forward. I fear I may be getting a warning today that my time in this program is in jeopardy.

Would that be the worst thing in the world? No, I guess not. I could go out and get a damned job and be done with all this bullshit, pie in the sky ideal that I am holding out there like a kid who just made an epic mud pie out of dog poop. I mean who the hell do I think I am, dictating to the world what I need in order to be happy - right? Why do I get to just stop and say: NOPE - I'm NOT working under anyone else's schedule. I'm NOT taking a chance on yet another abusive boss/employee situation that will suck everything good out of me and leave nothing for the people who actually MATTER to me in this world. I'm NOT losing myself in another person's dream again. I am needed here, with my children (not to mention my spouse) ... and the universe just needs to smarten up and help me do that. Who in the hell do I think I am, anyway? 

What am I ... crazy? Sadly, no ... I just like to play a crazy person in real life. I think that I believe it makes me more palatable somehow. The reality to that is rather the opposite, I'm afraid.

***

A situation that should have been easy, was meant as a nice gesture from people who care about me ... has turned unpleasant. I have buggered it up so bad with my insane thought process, indecisive nature and ridiculous misplaced pride, that one of the more important relationships in my world is experiencing unpleasantness of an epic proportion. I'm driving her away from me ... and I STILL have this overwhelming desire to not only explain, but to fix it, please her (along with the others involved) and do what has been suggested. The problem is that to do so would involve my either accepting something that I am tremendously uncomfortable with or coming up with funds that have no business leaving my familial unit. Not only that, but it would mean taking from my family and going to do something just for me, while leaving everyone else behind ... AND (although he covers it fairly well) I can tell that my hubs is not so crazy about the whole idea ... even though he is now attempting to find a way to make it happen - I still know in my heart that if I go forth, he may feel I am being selfish (my words - not his). Add to that the fact that I am supposed to be working full time on my business venture ... and this situation/event would take me away from that as well.

If you are familiar with the "Myers-Briggs" personality profile, I am an ENFJ ... the pleaser. Greatest downfall: Tearing myself apart trying to please everyone and winding up pleasing nobody ... and often pissing a number of them off in the process. WHY WHY WHY do I have to make everything so GODDAMNED difficult? Seriously - what IS that?

This is making me cry. Rather a lot. It also activates all the physical responses to letting someone else down, doing something you know you shouldn't - but at the same time, you really should - and being selfish, prideful and a giant pain in the ass. You know the ones I mean: Nausea, sookiness, general yuckiness in the pit of the tummy, troubled/ broken sleep, GUILT, unhappy dreams that say mean things in the night ... I'm sure there are more, but I'll leave that to the imagination.

I must have done something VERY bad in a previous life, because I don't think I've done anything so awful in this one to illicit the level of guilt I feel every moment of my life. I am seriously the most guilty human being I have ever met. It is borderline psychotic ... and I can NOT seem to control it.

I am so sorry for this situation. I wish I was different. I really do.

***

I located someone recently on the dreaded face book that I really should have left alone.

I think I have figured out my (true) motivation ... and that was that I was looking for an ego pat. (Lord help me, I am so needy of approval and acceptance ... it will be my undoing.) This was a fella that I knew in my old life. He was friends with my then boyfriend and I was highly attracted to him during (and subsequently AFTER) the break up with said boyfriend. He seemed to be into me, too - although I have to admit that I was highly delusional during that time. There are 'truths' that reveal themselves (lately, for some reason) to me about that time in my life that absolutely FLOOR me. It never ceases to amaze me how much we lie to ourselves and how entirely I could sell some of these ideas to myself. Truly. 

Anyway, nothing ever went down between us ... it would have been wrong - for either of us to engage in. That doesn't mean he wasn't hot, soapy shower fodder for me ... for a good portion of my single experience. It also doesn't negate the level at which I desired his affection and attention. Nor does it change the fact that I seem to have a 'need' (although my 'wants' are admittedly often upgraded to 'needs' without meeting the basic requirements) to a) apologize (for something that never actually happened) and b) find out if I was imagining his affection or if it was real. (... because ... I need to know this ... why?)  

This man is happily married with offspring ... living his happy life. Why do I need to super impose myself into that? If he denies he had any feelings for me, I will be crushed. If he DID have feelings for me - what damned difference does that make and why the hell would I go flouncing through his subconscious NOW? I do not understand why I do such stupid things. And now ... God help me ... I am fighting this enormous desire to email him lengthy essays ... EXPLAINING myself. I did communicate with him, but I kept it to talking about my kids, hubby and employment ... but now he has not responded to that last communication. So here sits crazy... fighting urges that win much more often than they should.

I mean, what the hell - right? If I get what I apparently want from him ... which is an admission of having been attracted to me ... then what? What have I gained? A temptation that I neither need nor want? Yet ... here I am ... in the moments between obsessing over my friend situation, my cash flow situation and whatever else is bumping around in there, obsessing over what to say next ... you know, to explain myself.

I think the time has come for me to be busier with things that happen OUTSIDE of my head. Perhaps getting a job might be good for me.


GAH!



1 comment:

Melinda said...

This is what I love about you, your honesty and your ability to be introspective.