Yeah. I'm back.
Guess I still have things to say ... what a shocker.
I have been wandering around my life for the past several weeks nearly tripping over my bottom lip. I don't really understand why I am so glum. I mean, it isn't like there aren't stressors, but I've tromped just a little too far into ridiculous just now. I am second guessing E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G... and in the process, I am driving myself (and everyone around me) Cray Cray.
Let me give you a 'for instance':
I am attending a number of groups and classes. One is a parenting group every Thursday evening. One is for the self employment program that happens every second Tuesday evening and one is a marketing training class that I managed to wiggle into with the Women in Business located in my home town. That happens every Tuesday (all day) ... but it is by far my favorite. THESE women know their collective shit!
...and I feel like a complete moron in their presence.
So ... you would think that a normal person who felt the way that I do would sit quietly and not attract attention to themselves, right?
Have you MET me? No ... most of you have NOT had that little pleasure, and yet you likely STILL know full well that I do not sit quietly and make like a mushroom... NOT drawing attention to myself.
I appear to be incapable of sitting quietly ANYWHERE. GAH!
Nope - I have to interject and ask stupid questions and draw the conversation to MY business and MY obstacles. Or at the parenting class ... to MY kids and MY problems. Not that groups aren't meant to do a certain amount of that ... I don't mean to suggest I am being completely inappropriate. I just can't seem to shut the hell up.
I need to get the words SHUT and UP tattooed to my hand ... so when I see it, maybe I'll do it.
So then ... in my pathological need to be understood, I have to EXPLAIN that I know I talk too much and share too much and that I feel bad about it ... all the while ... I.AM.STILL.TALKING.
I pulled this one last night at my parenting group. There I was, regaling the attendees with the story of how every week I coach myself driving in to NOT talk so much... and every week on the hour long drive home, I berate myself on my inability to do so.
Why did I do this? ... you may find yourself asking (I know I did). Was it because I wanted them to tell me I didn't talk too much and what I shared was relevant and actually helpful in many cases? (Not to mention funny and entertaining.) Because that is what they said.
And yet ... I am obsessing over THAT today.
Please make this stop for a little bit. I know I said I wanted to delve into my depths and better understand myself ... but it is down right scary in here. I want to go back to blissful ignorance. At least for a minute.
So ... hubs has had an amazingly good week of business. YAY! Bills are getting some hush money and I am going to the grocery store this morning to spend some dough on food. I'll also swing by the liquor store and get some vodka and beer for the weekend.
This is like freakin' DISNEYLAND for me. Why am I not happy?
My meeting yesterday went very well. My counselor actually complimented my efforts and though he agrees I need to start making some money, he feels my attitude and actions support my staying in the program.
DAMN! I must be one hell of an actress! Maybe I have missed a calling there.
OH! I can't believe I have not posted THIS little nugget yet ... my mother has announced she is moving out with her new man!
... I'll give you a minute to take that in ...
I am THRILLED! For so many reasons, it's hard to name just a few, but at the top of my list is the fact that it is HER idea and she is HAPPY about it. This was the only solution that was likely to end happily. She is aiming for October, which in classic 'Mom' style is about the worst possible time of year for her to go as renting that place in the winter months is more expensive than it's worth ... but we have decided to install a second hand wood stove over there (for alternate heat) and simply reclaim the area for us. She costs me more now than she pays ... so I am of the impression that it won't cause much of a difference. Hope like hell I am not wrong there.
What I find amusing (and I use that word ironically) is that I am so mad at her... and I have to tell you that even with all of my introspective behavior of late, I simply do NOT get that one. But mad, I remain.
I am fairly certain this thread is not done being pulled, but in the interest of actually getting to the groceries before the girls get home, I am leaving it for today.
It feels good to write. I should do it more.