Platitude Paradise

Have you ever rested so much on one thing that, if that one thing doesn't pan out, you're gonna be dusted? I have. I am, in fact. I have a doctor's appointment today from which I need a small miracle... in the form of a pill. To be clear, at this point I do not give a flying fuck what that pill even is... just so long as it brings back my drive... my life force... my will to even be alive.  I have experienced this in the past and gotten relief... even if it wasn't immediate... it still came. I am so lost inside the minutia of life right now, I don't have a clue which end is up and which is down. I'm tumbling through existence at the moment like an asteroid through space... hurtling toward the great expanse of nothingness.  Lately, I can't deal.  Like with anything. My oldest is getting to be quite an expert on sucking every last molecule of oxygen out of a room. I sincerely can't breathe when she is (or I guess to be ...

I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year. I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes.  The house is decorated. The shopping is nearing an end. My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care.  I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual. I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch. I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel that much excitement this year.  I'm just numb. Work isn't helping. It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do.  It wears me out... not having any purpose.  Drains my spirit. It's likely past time for me to move on... I just...

That's how it sounds in my head tonight. All the thoughts in my head vying for an audience. My ears are literally ringing right now with the sussurus that is going on in there. All of it is negative. Every thought and even the half thoughts - all negative. And mean, too. I should've gone to parent teacher for Stretch tonight. I can easily supply a half dozen reasons why I didn't go, but all that matters is that I didn't. I should've. It's been a challenging time for me of late. My downward trend continues and Mental Health is not falling over itself to bail me out, either. Still no word on a referral back to my psychiatrist. One who has already treated me... one who likely would only need to talk to me on the phone for fifteen minutes and could solve my problem... but it's been three weeks already and still no word. I'm struggling. My energy is zapped. My libido is unconscious. I know this is a chemical thing. I know it can be fixed... ...

Yesterday was my birthday... my forty-seventh birthday. I find myself so depressed today, I just want to sit here and sob. What the hell is the big deal, anyway? Why do I feel this way?  Is it because birthdays are a marker? A measuring stick that we stand up against our lives so we can judge where we are vs. where we should be? If I was to give the birthday pep-talk to someone I cared about, I would say something like: "Birthdays are a celebration of the day that you came into existence and should be filled with all the love everyone has for you." Either I don't care about myself, or I don't buy my own bullshit, because birthdays blow once you reach a certain age... like maybe sixteen. I think sixteen was the last of my happy birthdays. My birthday blew... and sucked.  My husband was away, but he texted me a rousing "Happy dirty day, hun"... which was a spell-check gone wrong. My mother and two sisters texted me happy birt...

My dreams are being haunted. Every night, I have a visit from my stepfather... then my ex... the one who's name is never spoken.  That one. These dreams are so life like... I have to remind myself they didn't really happen. It's actually jarring. These are not happy dreams. They are too realistic to be happy. I feel like I am being asked to do battle with these ghosts. Like I have to prove something to them. ...and I got nuthin'. I'm stuck in the molasses of my life like a fly in amber. This 'condition' of mine has worsened this year. I had no 'up' at all during this past Summer.  None.  Yet, I am dipping.  I'm moody. I'm angry. Ragey driving is rearing its ugly head. I came home from work this afternoon, mad before I walked in the door, where I was met with a messy house; Dishwasher full of clean dishes. Two loads of laundry to be folded. Counter and both sinks full of dirty dishes. I had to deal wi...

It's title is "Numb". I'm hoping it will just stay unpublished like so many other aimless posts. Yes, you read that right: There are some posts too inane for even me to put up here. As an update to my current sitch, let me get to the facts in point form: I survived my Annual Golf Tournament without getting drugged. Yay me! The Summer never provided my manic swing... boo. Kept me in line, though. Fall is kicking my ass. The kids are good. Thank you, Universe. My dog is sick and I am scared out of my mind. My current job is nearing an end. It's time for me to get a grown up job now. A recruitment firm contacted me last night about my resume... which I posted on a job-site this week. It's for an unposted job with a government funded Board of Directors. It would pay nearly double what I am currently making, and would provide things like benefits and pension. I am holding my breath to see if I get an interview. It's a 'personality...

I feel like my dial is set to 'Turbo-Bitch' this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm not acting out or anything... well not much, anyway. It's like wearing your birthday suit inside out. That's the best way I can think to describe it. All the tender little bits of me are exposed and raw. The outside world is like a shower of splinters in my eyes. EVERYTHING grates my nerves. My boss. My kids. Traffic. My spouse. Breathing.  It all annoys the living shit outta me right now. There are things about which, I should be worried... don't get me wrong. Heating season looms. Our Trustees are displeased with us and all up in our jiggies at present. They want more money every month... we don't have it... the saga continues. I am holding my breath... The 'internal revenue' department has set its sights upon us for random 'fuck you' tactics. Unemployment filings from four years ago... GST over payments from three years ago...