Incense, My Play List & Dinner

There's my 'prevening'.

Just exactly what the title says.

I'm in a very lazy mood tonight. Lazy makes me extra crazy.

For tonight's offering, the 'off-shoots' can expect to be tantalized with ... breakfast for supper!

*Crowd goes wild*

It's a lazy-assed evening meal, but they love it.

I had big plans of making some gooey meat-bally goodness for tonight. Given that my bottom lip has become a tripping hazard, I thought comfort food was the order of the day... buutt Thing 1 turned her face up at that idea, and Thing 2 had a tooth pulled last night and is less than pleasant at present.

I've got sausage and hash browns in the oven and bacon on the stove. I'll make them a cheesy omelette and everyone is happy. 

Or that's the general plan.

I'm heading to my 'bestie's' new place afterward. She just moved into the city after more than 20 years in her house. It's a bitter sweet situation. Last night was apparently on the 'bitter' side, so I offered to pop over and help sort through a few more boxes. I was there most of last weekend when the actual move happened ... 

My spidey senses are telling me she needs a little extra support tonight.

The good news is that it doesn't take me an hour to get to her anymore! Yay!

It rather feels as though everyone needs a little extra from me lately. It's very nice to feel needed... it honestly is... it's just that I am running a tad low at the moment. My daughters have been in high level teen-angst for the past several weeks... exams, proms, graduation (from grade 9), friend drama, anxiety, moods and hormones. 

...and I know that I am like the luckiest mother on the planet that my kids still tell me most everything. I know it. I truly do.

...but here's the thing - they never shut up!

Between the two of them, I have one or both chatting, fighting, ranting or bawling my ears off - from the time I get home most evenings, until the time I go to bed ... and even then I am still listening to Stretch babbling or ranting to one of her friends on Skype through my bedroom wall.

Yes... I know I should ban her from the internet at night. Yes... I know she should not be in front of a screen of any kind within 2 hours of bed time. Yes... I know I am the one that pays the damned bills and my ability to sleep should supersede her constant need to be connected... but I just don't want to fight about it.

She gets good marks and has a friend group. Honestly, considering her first 7 years of school... this is far and away more than I ever dreamed would be the case with her. So, I don't fight about it. I let her do her thing as much of the time as I can. 

My youngest is a little more concerning at the moment. She is in the witching years. 12-14 is a rough couple of years for a girl. Especially one as deep and sensitive and self aware as my youngest child. She really struggles through her little world. I mean she is an awesome kid! She's an awesome human, honestly. She's as smart as a whip, funny as hell and everyone loves her to pieces. She really is a great kid... but she has demons, that one.

I recognize them all too intimately. 

It worries the hell outta me... but then I hear my own voice telling me I am 'borrowing trouble' by assuming she will suffer my illness. I don't want her to have to stand a minute longer than is absolutely necessary if she does have that curse. I don't want to miss the signs. I'm so afraid of missing something that I wonder if I then see things that aren't there. There is really no reason for me to believe either of them will have depression of any kind. None at all. Still...

AAAaahhhhHHH!!!!

This is too hard! 

Adulting ... it's too bloody hard for me to do.
I'm not even kidding anymore. UNCLE, already!
Stop the world! I wanna get off!

Especially when I feel so goddamned alone in this life I have made! 

We actually had a bit of a 'thing' last Friday night, my partner in crime and I. I had promised I would help with the move. She was running much later than she had planned and yadda, yadda, yadda ... everything was all fucked up. My husband, who has been in poor humour of late to begin with, was less than impressed and he and I were like two live wires snapping into one another. 

It was not cool, dude. 

Not cool.

I realize that I am very lucky I haven't had to deal with a tumultuous relationship for all these 18 years, but it has made me a complete light-weight. I cannot deal with fighting. I truly can't. And I do not do well around an angry man. I don't know what the hell that is about... some god-awful 'daddy issue' or some such, but I shrink around male anger.

All I wanted to do last weekend was 'be there' for my friend of the past 20-odd years. That's it! By the end of the evening however, I managed to make every member of my family wild with me.

That was fun. 

I feel like I am existing inside a giant ball of statically charged frustration. As though it's stuck to me like an errant pair of cotton panties on a pair of ugly polyester pants.

So... me = ugly polyester pants and frustration = errant panties. Gah!

***

Well ... several hours have elapsed and I am back from the city. I got fucking lost coming home. I do not do well in the core of the city. I mean, I always have a general idea of where I need to point myself, but it seems to happen a lot that I am watching street names for one I know. Tonight it was Cogswell.

My girl is happy and my 'girls' are still up in their rooms. I could have left and come back and they may not even have noticed.

We didn't do a huge amount, but there are like maybe 10 less boxes to be unpacked. I am very much off my game of late. The meds I take keep me more 'level', but my body fights the process at certain times of the year. This is one of them. November - December was another. I'm expecting a dip in late August, too. These seem to be my more 'manic' times. I find it feels like my body is at war with my brain. On top of that, all of my tools are not functioning properly. Mainly because it was the manic energy that fueled my drive. Now, I am just a tightly wound disaster area with no direction or goal. It so super sucks, I can't even describe it.

Anyway... I wound up having a bitch session about my current sitch. Aka, my spouse. I didn't want to do that. I don't enjoy it, honestly... but I needed to unload some of the passive aggression, the guilt traps, the insecurities and the bullshit that has been collecting in my proverbial mental lint trap. It's exhausting just being inside my head right now... then add the extra neediness of my peeps and throw on snarky comments and constant goading for a fight from hubs... it is a lot.

I guess that is why right at this moment, I am about to chase a sleeping pill with a hearty shot of vodka. 'Cause baby... mama needs some sleep! I know I can't continue to abuse my body the way I have been, but we are in a 'secure and hold' situation and whatever gets my left foot to move in front of my right foot and repeat is the order of the day in my book. I just have to make it one more day.

Then things will turn around.

God! I can't even read this crap anymore.

When is this going to get a little easier? Huh? Or at least do-able? Can we get there, please? I'm so incredibly exhausted with our way of life. Just completely over it, honestly. That makes me antsy. Then my antsy-ness makes my husband even weirder than before and all of a sudden, we have a problem where no actual problem exists.

Please make this stop!

Seriously. I'm over it.