I have been awake for a very long time.
I thought I would get up and enjoy the peace of morning in my home before school goes back in tomorrow and our morning is all pandemonium and drama. I realize that drama queens, such as myself, actually thrive on their drama ... but could I at least enjoy it once in a while? I'm so tired of drama.
Somebody told me recently that I needed to change my story, because nobody else would. She was so right. I hated that. It had an effect on me, though. I have been reading some interesting stuff about fear and the power of the self and positive self talk and such. Honestly, I have made some real progress (in some ways). There have been some big "a-ha" moments for me in the past few months. Really, my level of positive was rather noticeable to those around me.
Then, Christmas happened.
You know, I have to say something. There are a number of people in my sphere that truly dislike Christmas. I find it amusing that someone like me would have so many non-Christmas types in her close circle, but I think I may have figured it out. I might envy them a little... for actually being honest with themselves.
See, every year I start with the planning in like October. My house turns into what amounts to a Dr. Seuss crime scene. No, really. It looks like we are infested with "Who's" by the time I stop decorating. It's slightly unhealthy, really. I repeat this cycle every single year. It's big, it's shiny and there is nary a clear space on any wall, ceiling or window. I take the inside panes of glass out of my windows and lovingly spray fake snow on each of the squares in the grate ... then put the glass back on - so the resident fauna can't add their individual 'paw' prints. I string what has grown to be hundreds of cards along every ceiling line - up and down my halls, rooms, stairways and anything else that has space. I then criss-cross those tacky-assed sparkly foil thingies (I don't even know what they are called) back and forth across the centre parts of those same ceilings. I flip an entire set of dishes - glasses, mugs, salt/pepper shakers, spready knives ... you name it - to a Christmas motif. I put little gele-like stick-ups on any window surface that does not have spray snow ... you know the ones I mean ... your "Ho Ho Ho's" and snowflakes/tress and of course "Merry Christmas". This crap is on my bathroom mirrors, my back door ... it's everywhere. Then, there is the garland. There is green, fluffy garland stapled to every window ledge, door jam, railing, cupboard and even around the frames on the mirrors in the bathrooms.. yeah, the same ones that have the gele-like stick-ups already on them. Next, we have the lights. I stopped counting the extension cords once I hit 63. There are more than that. I simply lost interest, after wrapping up 63 of the little fuckers. I can not express to you how many places in this house are covered in lights. They hang like drapes in the windows, line the frames of windows, doors and above my kitchen cabinets. They wrap themselves up my banisters. Oh ... and they are on the trees. This year, I had 7. SEVEN TREES ... decorated in various themes and such. ALL lit up. I only bought one of them, btw. The rest I either own already or I made or found or whatever.) Next ... well next, let's discuss the Santa collection. I make it a point to NOT count my Santas (a bit of an accomplishment for one so anal as I). But when I tell you I have a butt-load of them ...I am not whistlin' Dixie. They.Are.Everywhere. I just did a quick memory count of wreaths ... I can remember 17. Not sure that I got 'em all... and nativity sets ... how is it possible that someone who questions the entire "Christian" premise, has a half dozen nativity scenes? Now, we move on to bows. I'm not naturally a "bow" person, but at Christmas, all taste flies out the window. There are red and silver bows EVERYWHERE. I attach them to my plants ... my curtains, my doors ... I tape them in intervals on my cabinets ... I put them on some of the trees. Even the animals wind up with them - though that never lasts long. Let me paint you a few pictures ...
|Tree, house plant (with lights AND bows) and snow|
|My golden birch tree ... and some cards|
|Garland and lights|
|Curtain lights & small tree|
|A small sampling of Santas|
|THIS is the first thing one would see when entering my home.|
It is off the hook. I think there could be a disorder in this behavior. I don't stop inside, either. Nope. Hubs and I do it up fine style out of doors, too. I can't find those pics just now - count yourself spared.
I do this every year. I work myself into a lather decorating, baking, cooking, gifting, preparing, planning ... and then I forget to enjoy it. Or, perhaps more to the point, I am too bloody tired to enjoy it.
Then ... oh and this is really the sickest part of the story ... once Christmas day passes, I want it GONE. Honestly, waiting until after boxing day is like telling my dog he can't have the piece of bacon I just sat in front of him ... for a week. I am generally frothing at the mouth by the morning of the 27th. It takes me 3 SOLID days to de-Christmas inside. Outside is much quicker as the decor for there is so much larger and comes down pretty fast, in most cases. But, mark me ... it comes down. Nothing bugs me more than Christmas lights staying up on a house for any great length of time after the holiday. You need to get that shit down by the end of Jan ... or I might just come to your house and do it for you.
Today, I am still nursing a sore back, legs, arse, arms ... you name it. Every window in my house has been cleaned - due to the fact that crazy Christmas lady struck BEFORE cranky scrooge bitch moved back to town. Oh, and another cruel joke is that, invariably I start PMSing right after Christmas - for as long as I can remember - barring the two that I was preggers. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. Oh ... and even better - my oldest daughter is being pulled into my monthly cycle. Awesome - right? She hasn't actually started her periods as yet ... but the hormonal mine field that seems to attend this blessed event every 21 days has bestowed itself on my baby. Yesterday, we sounded like a pair of yappy little dogs whenever we were within 15 feet of each other.
My poor family.
Sooo how does a husband deal with this kind of mania? Well ... mine (bless him) ... helps (or, he tries) ... as much as I will allow it (which really isn't much). Usually, I wind up chasing him out of it ... but he just goes off to another area and helps without my knowing - until he is finished. If I am semi-sane ... I am touched by it. If I am in neurotic crazy land ... I freak and re-do everything that he has just done.
You know ... I am likely raising two children that will either grow to hate this holiday or (possibly even worse) love/hate it like I do. THAT is a scary thought right there. I need to change. I do. I don't know how, though.
So, returning to my original thought ... which started off four hours ago ... I think I am a closet Christmas hater. It would seem I do everything within my power to make myself miserable ... and I dress it up like I'm all in. I don't want that to be the truth ... I really don't. It is hard to ignore the overwhelming evidence, though. Wouldn't you say?
Okay - so moving on ... I need a few things to happen today. 1) I need for my husband to be overrun by paying calls ... so that we can have some money rolling in by week's end (where upon, I can afford alcohol). 2) I need for this blasted period of mine to freaking START ALREADY ... which will release Stretch (not to mention ME) from the perilous jaws of "P"sycho "M"ommy "S"yndrome... and, 3) I need a plan for the birthday. It isn't too too much to ask, is it?
The good news in all of this is I just heard Hubs' phone ring for the first time in 9 days. He is on a call! Now, if that can continue to happen for the next few days ... we might just make it through until some more permanent plans can be put into place. Also, based on the immense pain I am currently experiencing, I think I may get my second wish, too. The birthday. That's a little tougher. I don't need copious amounts of cash to do that, but I need some food ... and a gift (or perhaps I can defer that action, too). Maybe I'll suggest pooling her cash to get something really cool ... like maybe the rock band kit for her Wii. Hmmm ... that might just work, you know. I found one on kijiji last night for $100. I don't have that, but with the $80 from her 2 Aunti's and a few bucks from us ... could happen - right? Yes. THAT might just be a plan.
Alrighty-roo ... just need for the calls to keep comin' in.
Next, I need to get my business plan completed and my application for funding in ... so I can get my new business idea out of planning stage and into earning stage. I'll share more on that, later. But it's cool.
Okay. Breathe, Dani. It's going to be fine ... just like it always is. Left foot, right foot ... just keep looking at your feet if the horizon is too scary.
We can do this.
Don't forget to breathe.