Tuesday, January 1, 2013

GAH! and GASP! and ARGH!

Yeah ... that really sums it up nicely. No real need to type anything else, right? Hmph - shows how little attention YOU pay over here.

So ... another Christmas has come and gone in the dragonfly household. By and large, it turned out pretty good. We had somewhat of a home-made Christmas. Hubs and I designed, built and decorated a doll house for Shorty (who is kissing 4', btw ... I may need to rename her soon). I ordered most of the furniture from ebay, but built the stuff for the master bedroom. It turned out pretty cool. It's a 48" tall and 36" wide, 3 bed, 1 bath house - with an aquarium in the living room, I might add. 

I was scared to death she wasn't going to love it. I think she may have picked up on that, because she made a REALLY big deal about how special it was all day Christmas day. By Boxing Day however, she had decided she had been ripped off in the gift dept ... there was nothing to play with except that doll house and she was bored with it already. *sighs* Oh well ... she is 7 - what did I expect? To clarify, there were plenty of other things to play with, but I understand where she was coming from ... it was a seriously lean gift haul this year.

I am including some photos of our workmanship ... feel free to praise me (it would appear I need that)

Look at the daisies in the window box ... how cute is that, right?

Yeah ... I am pleased. Mind you, I seem to be the one playing with it the most ... ack! Let's not go there.

We also made Stretch an art desk. 

She got a 3DS - which was her "big gift", but we had to make her something as well ... she's not a dolly kinda gal. 

This concludes the more positive portion of my writing today. Should you prefer to think of me in a happy place - where Christmas was all chocolate, gumdrop cake and lovely family time, I would suggest you get off the bus now.

I'll wait.

You know I'm going to complain now, right?

OMFG!!! My MOTHER! *sighs* ... *sighs again* ...

My mother says to me, as I am panicking over the whole "howtheholyhellamIgonnadoChristmasformykidsthisyearwithZEROmoney" conundrum - that she will contribute some of the stuff she's been buying for them to go toward "Santa". In and of itself, that is a lovely gesture. Unfortunately, NOTHING is judged based on its face value up in here anymore. EVERYTHING has a massive laundry list of bullshit attached to it where my mother is involved. It just can't be helped. For example, the 11 months that she lived here without contributing a fucking dime ... ANY of that money would have been spectacular. You know, so we could buy oil ... or food ... or pay for the past 6 months worth of power that we owe. 

So ... she had been shopping. A LOT. I'd love to pretend that didn't drive me stark raving mad, but I can't even type that without increasing my internal temperature ... which is, incidentally, the only real source of heat on in here tonight) She sent a big ol' package of crap to my sister in Whitehorse. She made a lovely Christmas for my sister that is here (and was here over the holiday). She even (against my wishes) purchased some things for Hubs and I. Not 7 pair of pantyhose like last year ... this year I got Tupperware and panties. The Tupperware came with a comment regarding the method in which I serve her meals to her in her apartment. Apparently, she would prefer if I could seal the meals up. You know ... for the nights when she doesn't come home, nor bother to call and TELL me she won't be requiring a meal that evening. You know ... because I LIVE to cook extra food ... just in case. (OH MY GAWD, the damage to this relationship has reached critical mass ... Ima  BLOW pretty soon!)

Anyhoo ... she offered to pay me her "rent" early in December. Even that statement makes me want to hurl venom at my screen ... pay me rent ... early ... p'uh! So, I collected my $400 - namely because I could not put food on the table for the foreseeable future without it. She made me go and ask her for it, too ... and made some crack about whether I would be okay later in the month without that money then. My response was that it hardly mattered ... if she wanted to eat something other than stale saltines and dill pickles for the next few days, I needed money. We had arranged to move our bi-weekly mortgage payment (one of two mortgages, I might add)  into January so that I would have $750.00 with which to "do" Christmas for the kids. I also had to provide meals for all of us ... plus my mother ... and as it turned out, my sister for four days. You know the meals I mean ... turkey, ham, big brekkies, desserts, snackies, booze. Do you know that neither one of them offered a fucking cent toward any of it? Mom bought the little cracker things ... you know, the stupid assed things that pop and there is a paper hat, a stupid joke and some cheap-assed piece of plastic shit toy (that I'm going to throw out while tidying up after supper) inside? Yeah ... she provided those. My sister had baked some cookies, cranberry loaf and fudge. It's still mostly all sitting in my fridge - nobody here likes any of that stuff, so it's really just going to go to waste. I wish she had just taken it home. See - these relationships are so poisoned now that I am incapable of being nice... like ... ever.

Not a dime. Neither of them.

Tonight, I made hot roast beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes and gravy (from one of the beautiful roasts that Amethyst Anne brought with her when she came to visit me on my 40th birthday ... yeah ... she brought me groceries ... not just roast(s), but hamburger and steaks ... from the polar opposite side of the second largest land mass on the planet ... seriously ... on a plane, for 8 hours ... in a cooler ... packed with her homemade perogies, to boot). I am now out of potatoes, rice, fries, pasta ... and pretty much anything else except frozen broccoli and meat. Hubs hasn't had a paying call since Christmas Eve day. I won't get EI again until next week and even then, it is all spoken for, due to the fact that we have to make up for the payment missed in early December, with our regular payment. Awesome. We are FLAT broke ... like on our faces broke. I am scared. We have already stopped one payment and will have to do the same with another tomorrow. I am stressed out ... like personality splitting sort of stressed ... 

I am not sharing this because I want anyone to offer me money. I'm just giving this heads up because I will implode if any one of you lovely people (and some of you are just off the hook generous of spirit ... and other things) offer me any money. I really will. So.Please.Don't. I am sharing it so that you can tell the police why I went fucking postal and committed such a heinous crime ...

I'm kidding. I only fantasize about it.

No, I am telling you so you will understand why I LOST MY SHIT TODAY. 

Back to meal time ... Mom came over to eat and I noticed that she had her hair done recently. Like yesterday. Done. Cut, colored and styled. It's an easy $100 appointment. I was sitting across the table from her, fretting about what I am going to feed any of these people for supper tomorrow night, when I noticed. I believe there was an audible 'ka-boom' that sprang forth from my ear canal (had anyone cared to listen for it). She then launched into 20 questions regarding Stretch's birthday (which is in 3 days, btw ... her 10th). I do not yet have a gift, as I was unable to do so prior to the other holiday. I managed to talk her into having a sleep over instead of a party, but honestly I do not have a clue how I'm going to pull that shit off. So, Mom is hammering me with questions about what to do for Stretch for gifts ... she tells me that my sisters have both allotted cash to her care, with which to provide said gifts. Then, she wanted to know when the big family dinner was going to take place ... you know, the one where my mother, sister and her boyfriend come out here and eat my food, drink my booze and eat the cake that I requisition for whatever special occasion is on deck - except that I have no food, booze or cake. I looked across the table and basically said as much. Then, I had a little bit of a "poor us" tirade (which has not made me feel one iota better) and got up and went to clean up after dinner. 

My mother left shortly thereafter (as the tension coming off me was beyond palpable) and then all hell broke loose. I had me a class A, knock 'em down, shoot 'em out tantrum. All.Over.The.Kitchen... and then the bathroom ... and the stairwell. It ended with me in a puddle of tears, while re-making Stretch's bed (which had been recently pissed in by one of my cats). You know ... it is honestly amazing there has been no bloodshed here this week.

A normal, well adjusted human being would simply have said (and likely eons ago) in a sane and calm way that they required some cash contribution for the holiday meals. Would simply have stated that there needed to be a larger contribution from the various parasites other dwellers of the home going forward. That winter was upon us and expenses were up, while incomes were dwindling, and the hard cold fact of the matter is that NOBODY can live for $400 per month - with a minimum of one hot meal per day, along with power, cable, internet and heat (well ... while it all remains turned on ... that is subject to changes fairly soon, I'm thinking) included - anywhere in this province. NOBODY! So, get off your ass and ante up ... or trip the fuck out! I have rented that place in the past for $550 and NOT had to feed the occupants. I would perhaps not be so venomous if I wasn't watching her spend money like it was going right out of style for the past 2 months. Or perhaps if we were not dragging ourselves through another winter ... on our faces ... by our eyelashes.

I think I have broken something inside my head ... it is leaking again.

I really want to bludgeon something.

My wish upon a star right now would be that we could sell this albatross of a house and be able to get the hell out of hell. It kills me to think I am going to lose ... after everything we have suffered through these past 5 years ... to lose now would seriously suck - especially since we worked so hard, flipping houses & sacrificing things like vacations and such just to GET here. But, I swear it ... I would even consider renting for a year or so just to get out from underneath of this ... and away from my mother. I really don't know if the relationship is salvageable ... but I guaranty that it doesn't have a chance as long as we keep doing THIS!

Geez ... aren't I just a merry little ray of sunshine? Happy freakin' New Year, right? Does it help to know that I am PMSing like crazy? No? Oh well.


brite said...

I won't only because you asked so nicely :). But with that particular avenue of aid and help closed to me, all I've got is some shitty platitudes about how you'll get through this ( you will, ya know) , how much family sucks sometimes, how fear is the mind killer, and that sometimes the change we fear the most is what we need. Also, love you muchly and sending you all the good, relaxing vibes I've got.

Mark Price said...

Happy New Year bloggy Sistah! I am very proud of you for not having killed anyone yet and having to go on the lam, hiding out in dumpy motel rooms across the North and having watered down drinks in seedy, underlit, hole-in-the-wall bars. Danica the fugitive! Hang in there and do your best. Tomorrow is another day and I think we are all supposed to be happy just to have that. Find a reason to smile every day even if it's just a fake smile for a second or two. I have missed reading your posts!!