Quarantine - Week Four

We are in uncharted seas these days.

Everyone who is obedient is terrified and everyone else is behaving like spoiled children.

I have been working mostly from home, with the odd (pretty much weekly) trip into the empty office to deal with mail in and mail out and gather documentation for our accountant. To my knowledge, my job is not currently in jeopardy. I can only hope that continues as we march slowly through the days, weeks and months of social distancing and isolation.

Honestly, much of this is no great change for me. I have distanced myself from most everyone quite completely already. If it wasn't for the fear that I experience every time I go to the grocery store, or each time my husband comes home from working out there in 'cootie-ville', I likely wouldn't notice much change at all... except maybe my overall mood.

It started many months ago... before Christmas even came. My gumption was absent from my daily routine. It has continued to deteriorate over the past four months to a level that even has my husband suggesting therapy for me.

I mean, there are the household things that are annoyingly absent. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything... and to have all this empty time and literally hundreds of things I could do with it, only to sit in the chair and watch the sun make it's track across the sky - it's madness! I can't even get into cooking anymore... and when I state that, what I mean is every time I must put a meal together to feed my shack-happy kids, you can hear my inner three year old - throwing a blazing tantrum at the tragedy of it all. 

It's the truth - some days I even cry openly about it.

Those are concerning enough, but the thing that really has me worried sick is the total and complete apathy with which I view my husband of late. I'm entirely disconnected from him. There is no spark, no warmth or (perhaps most concerning of all) attraction. In fact my libido seems to have been quarantined on another continent all together, I fear. 

It simply isn't like me to be this disinterested in sex. 

It isn't like me not to have sixteen projects on the go on any given day, either - but that is unlikely to cause any major marital discord.

I had reached out for help - before the quarantine came (thank gawd!) and had been reconnected with my psychiatrist. He has changed my medication, but though there was some improvement in my over all energy, this lack of motivation and apathy remains.

It is horrid.

He tweaked meds again last week, but they have to be brought on very slowly in order to avoid major side effects... so that hasn't borne any fruit as yet.

I've also been set up with a therapist, to whom I shall speak on the phone this week. I guess it's worth a try... I can't see any major breakthrough there, as this problem is clearly chemical. There is too much that is 'off' with me for it to be anything else.

I haven't been reading, writing, even watching television very much since being banned to my house. It's like I'm frozen in a block of ice... waiting for the thaw.

I can only hope that the new addition to my medical cocktail will make some difference and that as the weather brightens into Spring, I can pull out of this mire, in which I find myself.

Guess only time will tell.

Until next time... stay safe, stay at home and stay golden.