Crinkly Paper

That's how it sounds in my head tonight.
All the thoughts in my head vying for an audience.
My ears are literally ringing right now with the sussurus that is going on in there.

All of it is negative.
Every thought and even the half thoughts - all negative.
And mean, too.

I should've gone to parent teacher for Stretch tonight.
I can easily supply a half dozen reasons why I didn't go, but all that matters is that I didn't.
I should've.

It's been a challenging time for me of late. My downward trend continues and Mental Health is not falling over itself to bail me out, either. Still no word on a referral back to my psychiatrist. One who has already treated me... one who likely would only need to talk to me on the phone for fifteen minutes and could solve my problem... but it's been three weeks already and still no word.

I'm struggling. My energy is zapped. My libido is unconscious. I know this is a chemical thing. I know it can be fixed... even if it eventually needs to be tweaked again... I know there is relief, but I can't access it. It is frustrating.

I'm trying with my whole heart to get into Christmas... but I just can't do it this year. I know I have to. I know that I have to summon some reasonable facsimile of Christmas spirit... but it ain't coming easy this year. 

My house is a disaster. There are bins of decorations everywhere. Things are half up/half in bins... well, to be honest, things are 1/16th up and 15/16ths in bins. It's a daunting task. 

I'm so fucking tired.

I have one more weekend to get my feces collated. 

I find myself wondering if my kids will look back on this time and realize how much distress I was actually in going through these motions. Will they resent me for that? Will they be able to see. through the wisdom of years that I was doing my best... or at very minimum, what I thought was my best. 

Will I be the asshole in their story? 

I don't wanna be the asshole!

I want to be a glowing example of holiday spirit, fulfilling their needs and whims with an easy stroke of my magic mom wand.

Who am I kidding?

I just want to survive this holiday season without destroying somebody's memories.

This year, I'll call that feat a win.

Comments

Lisa Kenneth said…
I'm 47 years old and female. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with COPD and I was beyond scared! My lung function test indicated 49% capacity. After having had the flu a year ago, the shortness of breath, coughing and chest pains continued even after being treated with antibiotics. I've been smoking two packs a day for 36 years. Being born without a sternum caused my ribs to be curled in just one inch away from my spine, resulting in underdeveloped lungs. At age 34 I had surgery and it was fixed. Unfortunately my smoking just caused more damage to my already under developed lungs. The problem was that I enjoy smoking and don't want to give up! Have tried twice before and nearly went crazy and don't want to go through that again. I saw the fear in my husband and children's eyes when I told them about my condition then they started to find a solution on their own to help my condition.I am a 47 now who was diagnosed with COPD emphysema which I know was from my years of smoking. I started smoking in school when smoking was socially acceptable. I remember when smoking was permitted in hospitals. It was not known then how dangerous cigarettes were for us, and it seemed everybody smoked but I was able to get rid of my COPD lung condition through the help of  Dr Akhigbe   total cure herbal medicine. My husband saw his testimony on the internet that he used his powerful medicine to cure different diseases. We contacted his email   [drrealakhigbe@gmail.com}   He has the right herbal formula to help you get rid and repair any lung conditions and other diseases, will cure you totally and permanently with his natural organic herbs,We received the medicine through courier delivery service. I wish anybody who starts smoking at a young age would realize what will eventually happen to their bodies if they continue that vile habit throughout their life.
Dr Akhighe also cured diseases like, HERPES, DIABETES, HIV/AIDS, COPD, CANCER,ASTHMA,STROKE,LUPUS,JOINT PAIN,CHRONIC DISEASES,PARKINSON DISEASES,TUBERCULOSIS,HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE,BREAST INFECTION,WOMEN SEXUAL PROBLEM, GINGIVITIS, ERYSIPELAS,STAPHYLOCOCCUS,HEPATITIS A/B, QUICK EJACULATION, IMMUNOTHERAPY, GONORRHEA,SYPHILIS,WAST/BACK PAIN,PELVIC INFLAMMATORY, DICK ENLARGEMENT,HEART DISEASES,TERMINAL ILLNESS,SHIFT IN FOCUS,ATAXIA,COMMON COLD,CROHN'S DISEASES,ALCOHOL SPECTRUM DISORDER,GRAVES DISEASE,HEARING LOSS, INTERSTITIAL CYSTITIS,LEUKEMIA,MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS,OBESITY,RABIES,SCOLIOSIS,INFLUENZA, POLIO,JACOB,ETC. If you are out there looking for your cure please  contact  dr Akhigbe  by his email    drrealakhigbe@gmail.com     or contact his whatsapp number   +2349010754824
God bless you Dr Akhigbe for your good hand work on my life.
January 7, 2021 at 5:51 PM
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