The Thorny, Misshapen Chunk of Awful that's Stuck in my Throat

 I am dreadful.

By that, I mean I am full of dread.

I picture it as black smoke. 

Curling up and around my stomach.

Under my ribs and circling my heart.

It finishes in a double knot around my throat. 

This smoke has the power to constrict... like a snake. 

I see it in my mind's eye. 

Squeezing the life out of me. 

I can't get food past it. 

I feel like I'm gasping for oxygen.

Is this how it feels when your heart truly breaks?

I never thought I would ever experience something so wrong with my relationship. It truthfully is the ONLY thing I have ever had going for me. I was even a little cocky about it sometimes. But now... I can't seem to make any peace with it. I haven't felt this insecure... ever! My mind is so full of noise. 

Confirmation of my awful-ness. From the only person I've ever been truly accepted by. My best friend. My partner and protector with whom, I've weathered terrible storms again and again... but those storms were external to us. I'm completely lost at sea with no companion and no boat.

I have not been the perfect partner by times over the course of our relationship. I loved attention. I mean, who doesn't - right? Lapped that up like a hungry kitty. So it seems pretty rich that I am pretty much devolving over my husband getting (supposedly) harmless attention from another woman. I do appreciate the irony in this, trust me on that, if not a thing else.

He blames me. 

The first thing he said was "when was the last time you gave me a compliment?"... and a number of other things that I'm failing him on. Even a mouth as big as mine doesn't want to publish that laundry list, so we'll skip those. 

I really didn't have any idea. I just happened to be standing behind him when a text went across the screen, that said more, but all I saw was: "I miss you. I love you".

Anybody that has read ANY OTHER THING on either of my pages should know full well what that is doing to my head. Devolving is the only way I can even come close to describing the feeling. He says it's harmless, he isn't attracted to her and I'm blowing it out of proportion. But she loves him.

I've been engaged in a battle with my mental health and peri-menopause. It's been months since I have felt anything close to myself... not that "myself" is all that spectacular, but this has been incredibly raw. Like walking around in the world with your skin inside out. Nerves and all. My temper has been a little scary, too. I'm a menace on the road, truly. My emotions are all over the map from minute to minute, and - I'm in quite a bit of pain much of the time. Plus my headaches, they're still plaguing me. My libido is gone. Like... gone. I am completely flat. I still make an effort to see that we are being intimate regularly. My body will cooperate eventually. It sucks. But I do try. I do make that effort. I am trying to get medical help, but it takes so long. I think I need hormone therapy and I'm telling you, I cannot take this for much longer. Especially not now. But he sees all of that as further proof that he is entitled to this attention. What does he want from me? I'm honestly starting to wonder if the reason he's been drinking so much lately is because it's the only way he can stand to be around me. That is horrifying to me. 

I am not currently tough enough to do this right now. Fuck, I was looking up painless ways to die the other night. ME! I don't know anybody more afraid of death than I am... but I looked. Not to mention my kids... I mean to make that part of their story would be unforgivable! But I am certainly not operating with a sound mind presently and I am not weathering this well.

What I find amusing, in a disgusted sort of way, is how I've been behaving since learning this secret I wish I hadn't. I researched bikes (because we had discussed getting bikes to help us be in better physical shape previously). I got my hair cut and highlighted (for the first time in 3 years). I bought new make-up and teeth whitening stuff. I went on two walks of my own volition last week. I was a bit of a sex kitten all weekend (same as last weekend, actually). I was attentive and complimentary and I guess a little more like I used to be. Although I know there are complaints about old me, too.

I've rewarded him every way I can think of for breaking my heart. 

He has no plans to end it. He met this woman at work. Please bear in mind, he is gone most weeks to all four Eastern provinces. She lives in one of them. She's also 15 years his junior. But they somehow "have so much in common". He won't be transparent and he's not going to stop. He seems to feel entirely entitled.

It makes me wonder if he would behave the same way if I was sick with cancer or some other wasting disease. I mean, what I am dealing with is large. I just think sometimes he doesn't consider what I'm experiencing to be serious... or maybe even real. I promise you it is. I don't think I have the power to make my body boil from the inside out - even with MY crazy mind. My 'disorder' is heavily exacerbated by the hormonal rollercoaster my body is on... and I pretty much exist on a rollercoaster anyway...lately it's like I'm on two at once - being pulled apart in stages. All the while, feeling crazier and crazier.

I'm at a point that I would sacrifice my lady parts to just get it over. If I could find a goddamned doctor that would do the surgery, I'd have it booked. Coupled with the pain of the endometriosis, this is becoming unbearable... and I haven't been great to be around. I get that. I'm exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm negative. I drag myself from day to day with every ounce of energy I can raise. But in my own defence, I still made an effort when he was home to fix myself up and spend quality time with him. Still prompted sex... I still wanted to care for him and intimacy is about so much more than the thrill. I needed his closeness to feel connected to him. And now, my central relationship is in jeopardy.  The single most important relationship in my world for the past 25 years. I don't think "dread" even adequately covers the depth of fear I'm experiencing.

Would it have made any difference if I had had this under control faster? Am I actually dumb enough to think he wouldn't have accepted that attention anyway? This is where the rage peeks up like some psychotic meerkat. Then I get dragged down that rabbit hole with Alice. He is in the wrong. It is certainly not the first time. And he's refusing to give it up... all because I have failed him in all these ways. Or so he'd have me believe. This is fucking cruel.

I never did that to him. Would never do that to him. It was imperfect, but I did give up the attention. For the record, he has never done anything to try and fill that for me. Yet here I am, performing like a sad puppy. Crying my guts out when he leaves. Filled with dread... and fear... and rage... and suspicion... gasping for air around the smoke that's engulfing me.