It Doesn't End Like You Think.

I woke to a full fledged panic attack this morning.

They're always fun, right? Especially when they happen only ten minutes before you have to wake the children. The cranky-assed, tension-sensing, guilt factories ... to whom you gave birth.

I went back to bed after I put the girls on the bus. 

Avoidance.

When I finally got up, it was after eleven.

I know - right?

This could be the beginning of another sad, sad story ... but it isn't. 

Something slid into place inside my brain today. I got on the phone before I was half way through my first coffee and by the time I finished my third, I had talked to a couple of good contacts ... each with thoughts and suggestions as to my future employment. I also discussed the possibility of downsizing our truck and maybe picking up a 2nd beater car. We need to be ready to be mobile. We're both looking outside of the house for work. 

I opened a door today.

I need to open another, tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I am going to approach our mortgage lenders and the default insurer about possible solutions available for our situation. I mean, I have centered my career around mortgage financing - you would think I'd utilize my own talents for myself, for a change. Who knows ... maybe I know my shit after all. I am not entirely certain any of them will do anything for me ... the point is, I need to try. 

I need to show up.

I need to fight.

My husband told me this morning that I don't have to give up on my mid-life crisis if I'm not ready ... I just need to start making some money WHILE I'm having it. He's an understanding sort, eh? 

After my morning of positive contact, I decided to finish polishing up my resume ... I confirmed all of my references (via telephone ... so that I have up to date permission to use each of them) ... I looked on line for jobs ... I even emailed my resume and a writing sample to JJ. There is a position there that I would LOVE!! Unfortunately, I don't have a Bachelor of Journalism ... but ... well, I suppose it's fairly transparent what I did there, but the fact remains - I need a job.

Then, the phone rang. It was my friend. My friend who is really more like my sister than either of my 'biologicals'. My friend who is going through her own circle of hell of late. She and her boss have a proposition for me. One that would create a contract for my business... it would also offer a huge benefit to my friend and I could still be helping her (like I have begged her to let me do already) but I would be getting PAID! 

It's far from written in stone here ... we have to meet and work out the pricing and then present it to previously mentioned boss ... but it's a presentation to a fully warm audience. Plus - I would not be competing with anyone else for the job ... it would be a matter of showing the inherent value of my service. I think I can manage that.

This could be the bridge that I need. 

Then ... maybe I could still land the other contract in the meantime. Worst case scenario, I'd have to give one up, but I may very well be able to handle both. It's really easy with the right systems in place. It's just a matter of setting it up properly. 

This would buy us some time to get the house sold.

Oh ... gawd!

The relief in that would be orgasmic. 

So ... as you can plainly see - it wound up being a pretty darned good day, all in all. 

"I need to act ... and then function will be restored"

... DAMN IT! I am fricken BRILLIANT!

If only I ever listened to myself.