You know, I may have said this before ... but THIS year, I truly mean it. In all its glory and ugliness.
Some of you may already know that I was able to exit my somewhat unhealthy employment situation this past March. (Assuming anyone still actually READS my page - as I have been checked out for quite some time.) Either way, I am OUT! This is a good thing. Just because it is a good thing doesn't necessarily mean that it is supposed to feel good all of the time. (As I am learning in high fidelity surround sound, high definition, living color - first hand just now.) I have experienced emotions ranging from euphoria to abject terror - and really everything in between. I seem to drift in and out of depressive states, but over all, I am So.Much.Better.
Stretch has spun completely around with the introduction of Mommy 2.0 (The Home Edition), rather than having to pick over whatever is left once the corporate world is done with Ol' Cranky Pants Mummer. It is truly phenomenal - the difference in my household. I have never been a person that felt it was necessary to have a parent home with the kids before ... and perhaps it isn't for everyone - but MY kids seem to be flourishing like a field of barley covered in fresh shit! (I would be the shit, of course) Perhaps it is just the novelty, but I am into my fourth month now and they continue to thrive. The oldest, in particular has embraced this new situation as though it was an extra hour of video game time. She likes structure, that one and me being here all the time provides this to her.
In addition, my overall take on the world is very much amended. I'm afraid for the future ... I am in receipt of Employment Insurance (aka: EI-EI-O) and once you take out the expenses I had with working, we really aren't down by much in income ... but it only lasts so long. I am realizing just ow important my presence is to them and now I feel like I need to find a way to work around their schedules.
With that thought firmly in mind, I signed on as a consultant for a company called Arbonne. It is a network marketing set up (and therefore carries a SERIOUSLY negative connotation) but the products themselves are pretty remarkable. It is a natural - no harmful chemical beauty/health and baby line. I really do like the products. It's the business that is causing me grief. Something like this could allow me to still work and earn, but also be available for my children - around their schedules and needs. The problem I am facing is that I CAN NOT get past the thoughts that I (myself) put into (or more to the point - ONTO) other people. So I sound like a moron when asking people I know to possibly take two hours of their time and get treated to a facial or whatever. I keep building myself up and then tearing myself down. I do this in all areas of my life these days. It's uncomfortable much of the time. I am not overly fond of many of the things I am learning about myself. I just keep reminding myself that I am on an important journey and as long as I follow my gut and my heart, it will be okay. Better than okay, I say.
My weight loss has pretty well stopped at 126 lbs. Not really anything to complain about there. I'd really like to drop another 20 - 25 lbs, but it won't disturb me much if I don't. I am so much more healthy and active ... the girls certainly enjoy the new and improved Mommy - as does Hubs (incidentally, it would appear that the removal of full time work from my life creates a sex-crazed nymphomaniac type response ... so the Mommy 2.0 has been well received by him). Mind you, Hubs no longer has to even think about household stuff - as I have it done and settled before it ever crosses his mind - so that is good for him as well. We spend every day in the same house, but I am so busy with house work, the myriad projects that are in some state of "started-but-not-finished-ness", our furry and scaled menagerie and the girls, of course, that Hubs and I hardly even see each other - so we haven't experienced any growing pains that way. Really, other than the fact that we are broke (which we have been for so long I don't really remember anything different) it is all good. It feels like it is the way it should be.
Nobody is more surprised by that realization than me. I NEVER would have thought I'd want to be home full time with my kids. Mind you, the Summer is only a week in ... my tune may very well change in a mad hurry. I can't stay at home, but I am going to try to figure out an income earning activity that will allow me to devote more of my energy and time to my family. They really do respond in amazing ways to my undivided attention. It makes me feel awesome and awful all at the same time. Awesome because I've had this blessed opportunity to find it, and awful because it took such a long time.
Hmm ... I can hear my little blessings upstairs fighting like two derranged wild cats. (sigh) I should go and deal with this disturbance in my otherwise blissful existence. I am making a commitment with myself to write more often. It is so helpful to me to get this stuff out of my head.
So ... if anyone is still out there in the blogisphere, here's a shout out! I hope to stop by and visit my faves in the next few days.
Dani - out