Platitude Paradise

The trouble with self assessment is being successful at it. Did you know that? I don't mean to try and put any sort of sexy face on my problems, I mean I really do know they are boring - trust me - but hear me out a little here: I have kind of spent the past three or so years re-evaluating (and in some cases, re-inventing) myself ... front to back. Right? I started by scheduling my initial referral appointment for weight loss surgery ... I believe that would have been September of 2009. I still can't believe I was ever 309 lbs ... but I was ... and I am not, now. I'm no bikini model and there are plenty who would still call me 'fat' (not likely to my face as I projectile cry) but I can gussy myself up to go out, and hold my head high whilst I peruse the aisles of Wal-Mart .... safe in the knowledge that I will NOT wind up on the "people of Wal-Mart" web site. *phew*. Color me happy with myself.  Then, there was the whole 'Stretch is trying...

I do, you know. I really do.  My life is pretty Cadillac.  I have this amazing man - who totally "gets" me. I have this huge house, that I really do love and these crazy assed kids that say and do the damnedest things. I look around and realize if I could just afford the lifestyle that I have - things would be sweet ... for a minute, at the very least. So ... this means I must find a way to make my business idea produce fruit. Right? It's not a bad idea. I just need to market it properly. As it happens, I have a mandatory class tomorrow for "core business training" that is all about marketing.  I hate marketing. Every position I have held since the bank has tried - with all its might - to squeeze marketing genius out of me. It isn't really there. I have had some decent ideas, but this really isn't my forte.  I built my website, designed my business cards and have been smashing my head against my brochures all this past wee...

I'm still alive! I have been waffling between hiding from reality ... reality being the miserly whore that has been this February (which incidentally for me began on December 27th) and being stupid busy beginning what I am banking on being my future - my business. On Thursday last week, I was officially signed on to the "SEB" program. This means I continue to receive a stipend from Employment Insurance while I get my 'concept' up and running. In order to be accepted, I had to jump through a number of hoops and fill out a great deal of paper work. I was also asked to write an autobiography. My counselor was a little apologetic asking this of me ... boy - does he ever NOT know me. That was the best thing he could have asked for where I am concerned. Honestly, I never really thought in my heart I wouldn't be accepted. I talk a good talk. I am as persuasive as hell when I want to be. Now all I have to do is put my money where my mouth is. Oh fuck! ...

UNCLE, ALREADY!!!! Okay ... where are the hidden cameras? No ... I'm not friggen around here, peeps! WHERE THA HELL ARE THEY?  My girls have lice. I know that doesn't make any of us special. But this infestation that I am battling right now is the THIRD ONE!!!!!! Since December. I am starting to think these are teenage mutant ninja lice or something. I have been (actually quite literally) pulling my damned hair out. Not sure if any or all of y'all have dealt with the little darlings before, but if you have ever complained about being bored in your life - you'll regret that in a mad hurry after finding lice in your kids' heads. I am exhausted. I got up yesterday morning and started my first of what feels like 900 loads of laundry. I am on my second bottle of laundry detergent, if that tells you anything. Four beds. Every piece of outdoor clothing ... every towel ... brushes and combs and hair ties, bands, etc all bathed in alcohol. Their stufties a...

GAH! Uncle, already! My situation has not improved since last I wrote. Other than the fact that I am THAT much more tired of hearing the voices in my head. They don't ever shut up, either ... not ever. When I lay down to "sleep" at night, it's like being in a crowded bus terminal. Each voice pulling at another thread of yuck that I REALLY want to hide from. Then, the thread grabs and a massive rat's nest of fire ants and black wasps falls out. That's always fun. I have gotten what the doctor at the local clinic thinks is a viral infection in my face. It's in my jaw, ear and eye. It friggen hurts, too. She gave me some anti-inflammatory medication, but it makes me uber sick to my stomach. I have also managed to liquefy my insides. No kidding. I'm pretty sure THAT little treat is a direct result of stress. 'Cause let me tell ya ... I IS STRESSED.  Stretch's birthday has come and gone. She had her sleep over this past weekend. It ...

Originally hand written on loose leaf Jan 4, 04. My girl turned 10 yesterday evening at 8:24. Doodle Bug; Well here I am, doodle - on the one year anniversary of the day after your birth. This time last year, was the beginning of the most wonderful journey of my life. I remember every second of falling in love with you. You were so pink and round and perfect .. and I couldn't imagine loving anything so much as I did you at that moment in time. What I didn't know then, but am learning now is - I was barely scratching the surface. It is big and heavy and boundless, this love I feel for you. It lives all on its own and grows and changes with you every day. We've had a big year. You've learned to sit up, stand up, eat solid food, walk ... run, dance, clap, wave and communicate. That is to say, you talk a mile a minute (not necessarily in a language Mommy and Daddy understand).You learn with such ferocity and determination. I am so proud of you every day. You love ...

It's early. I have been awake for a very long time. I thought I would get up and enjoy the peace of morning in my home before school goes back in tomorrow and our morning is all pandemonium and drama. I realize that drama queens, such as myself, actually thrive on their drama ... but could I at least enjoy it once in a while? I'm so tired of drama. Somebody told me recently that I needed to change my story, because nobody else would. She was so right. I hated that. It had an effect on me, though. I have been reading some interesting stuff about fear and the power of the self and positive self talk and such. Honestly, I have made some real progress (in some ways). There have been some big "a-ha" moments for me in the past few months. Really, my level of positive was rather noticeable to those around me. Then, Christmas happened. You know, I have to say something. There are a number of people in my sphere that truly dislike Christmas. I find it a...