Friday, January 18, 2013

More Bisitors ...


Okay ... where are the hidden cameras? No ... I'm not friggen around here, peeps! WHERE THA HELL ARE THEY? 

My girls have lice.

I know that doesn't make any of us special. But this infestation that I am battling right now is the THIRD ONE!!!!!! Since December. I am starting to think these are teenage mutant ninja lice or something. I have been (actually quite literally) pulling my damned hair out.

Not sure if any or all of y'all have dealt with the little darlings before, but if you have ever complained about being bored in your life - you'll regret that in a mad hurry after finding lice in your kids' heads. I am exhausted.

I got up yesterday morning and started my first of what feels like 900 loads of laundry. I am on my second bottle of laundry detergent, if that tells you anything. Four beds. Every piece of outdoor clothing ... every towel ... brushes and combs and hair ties, bands, etc all bathed in alcohol. Their stufties are in tied up plastic bags and are in our deep freeze. Every pillow in the house has spent an hour in the dryer on high heat. I have vacuumed as many of the square inches of this 3000 square foot house as I could access. 

I thought (more seriously than I should admit) about shaving all of our heads and then burning the house to the ground. Do you think if I got a jury full of parents that had dealt with these little fuckers before that they would convict me? I really don't think they would. 

The worst part of it is that I am doubting my ability to get rid of them. I mean - how much pesticide can a parent put on their kids' heads before they decide it's too much? These lice treatments are full of some nasty chemicals - and my kids have now been treated FIVE times since the beginning of December. My girlfriend suggested mayonnaise. I'm giving the pesticide until Sunday morning and then I am dousing them in mayo. It is a treatment that moms over the years have apparently given the "thumbs up" to ... GAH! I can't even structure sentences anymore. You have to leave it on their heads for two hours - under a plastic bag and with a towel on top. Then, you wash it out - with cider vinegar and then you can more easily comb the nits out. Then you shampoo the crap out of their hair and hope you can get the rest of the oil out.

Hubs and I had an ugly night Wednesday night. We really don't fight ... not that I can take any credit for that. I can be a sniper. (SNIPER! NO SNIPING!) He usually just doesn't react to me and I eventually smarten up and apologize. Not Wednesday, though. I had discovered the new infestation in the morning on my daily morning lice check. Awesome. I had had plans for that day to get out to the grocery store and get some food into the house (I had cashed in a life insurance policy - the fund portion - and gotten a couple of hundred bucks) ... the food situation had gotten rather dire. So ... since I am the meal planner, it really needed to be me that went for groceries ... and when you have a super tight budget, shopping takes a whole lot longer. I also had a meeting in the afternoon with the CBDC (which is the organization locally that decides if they are going to help me with starting my business. They can approve up to another 40 weeks of help in the form of employment insurance benefits - and they help with the business plan, some training and marketing and such - not to mention, they are attached to a BANK! So if I require seed money, I can make a case through them ... suffice it to say, it was a meeting I dared not miss.) 

So ... I went out to the drug store and got a double treatment, brought it home and asked my husband to treat them and wash their beds. I would be home later and would take over then. Now, he was working so I knew his time would be divided ... but I thought he had washed the beds. I got home at noon and proceeded to put away the groceries, get myself ready and flew out to my meeting in a cloud of haste. 

When I returned, I had a ream of paperwork that needed to be completed and I was also working on the final presentation for the class that I have been attending for the past 15 weeks. It was due Thursday. I also had started the evening meal. The laundry was going, so as I had stated, I thought the beds were under control (you can see where this is going, right?). The rest was going to have to wait for the next morning as the business is really of more importance and since my EI is about to run out, time is of the essence.

Evening meal completed, I cleaned up while Hubs worked away in his office ... attempting to make some money so his wife will sleep again ... then I had to do the evening check on their heads. Live bugs! I found more live bugs! My first reaction was that he didn't do the treatment properly. (I know ... I know ... I can't help myself .... I'm a do it yourselfer) I treated the offending scalp AGAIN. Then, I realized that he had only done the pillow cases of Stretch's bed. This was about the time that Stretch was declaring Shorty couldn't share her bed that night. So ... neither of the actual bed clothes has been washed AND Shorty's hasn't been touched. And, it is bedtime. I apparently made quite a face. It was not a conscious thing, it just happened and I said "you didn't wash the whole bed?" with what was later described as a "you stupid fucking idiot" look on my face. 

He snapped. He NEVER snaps. I'm the snapper... and I was already snappin'! There is only so much pressure you can put on something before it either is crushed or it explodes. We both exploded. My kids have never seen anything like that before. One of them asked me if we were going to get a divorce. I told her we couldn't afford one, so not to worry... probably not the best thing to tell a child, upon further reflection. I explained that we had been worried about silly grown up stuff and with the lice coming back it just made us act like crazy people ... and that while Mom and Dad were behaving like we didn't like each other much, it was just the upset of the situation that was causing it. 

Things went mostly back to normal the next day. Not that our current normal is all that great. Kids pick up the undercurrents pretty easily.

On the bright side, I spoke with the school's principal this morning and shared my concerns that I was ineffective against this infestation and she gave me a wonderful gift - an explanation. Apparently one of Shorty's close buddies (the very one that had been here for a play date on Tuesday ... you know, the day before I noted the most recent infestation) has a chronic case of lice. The principal told me there were issues with confidentiality, but she said she had to tell me to maybe knock off the play dates with that particular child - who is such a sweetie-pie and I feel terrible. I have heard things in the past from my kids about the home life there ... doesn't sound ideal. She told me she has actually never seen a case quite so bad with the lack of action by the parents. I know she shouldn't have told me, but I am damned grateful! Guess it pays to volunteer at the school ... you do get a few perks that way.

As to the business ... I was underwhelmed by the guy I met with. Not a really impressive person. I do not understand how some people get these jobs ... it kinda blows my mind. Anyhoo ... things are under way. I have to get him my docs today. Once he gets everything he needs from me, it goes off to the first of two boards for approval. If they like my idea and my skill sets, then it goes to the government for the Self Employment Benefit approval ... which means I can officially stop looking for work and focus all of my attention on building my business. All money that is made by the business can be kept, or put back into the business. I don't have to deduct anything from the EI benefit. That would be a very good start.

So if you have a moment ... send a little whammy out to the powers that be ... this would go a very long way to helping me dig myself out of this colossal mess I am buried under.



Monday, January 14, 2013

Make It Stop


Uncle, already!

My situation has not improved since last I wrote. Other than the fact that I am THAT much more tired of hearing the voices in my head. They don't ever shut up, either ... not ever. When I lay down to "sleep" at night, it's like being in a crowded bus terminal. Each voice pulling at another thread of yuck that I REALLY want to hide from. Then, the thread grabs and a massive rat's nest of fire ants and black wasps falls out.

That's always fun.

I have gotten what the doctor at the local clinic thinks is a viral infection in my face. It's in my jaw, ear and eye. It friggen hurts, too. She gave me some anti-inflammatory medication, but it makes me uber sick to my stomach. I have also managed to liquefy my insides. No kidding. I'm pretty sure THAT little treat is a direct result of stress. 'Cause let me tell ya ... I IS STRESSED. 

Stretch's birthday has come and gone. She had her sleep over this past weekend. It kinda sucked. The kid she invited is a bit of a tool. Shorty had a friend, too ... and of course, stole the show. She can't really help herself. She likes more common activities ... unlike my Stretch. I feel as though she has gotten royally screwed. I have promised her a "Mommy and Stretch Day" (which has been postponed twice already - due to my gross lack of funds). We are going to pull her out of school and she and I will go to lunch and then shopping to spend her birthday money (which I have already spent on food). 

Just as soon as I can recoup that money ... we'll go. sigh

...fill the shovel, pile it up ... fill the shovel, pile it up ...

If given the choice, I would still take this over an illness ... especially if it involved my kids ... but this is SO OLD. Actually ... THIS right HERE isn't old ... it's new ... and just about the scariest financial obstacle I have ever faced.  Like ... I really don't have a viable plan here. Considering what we have come through - that statement of fact should carry a bit of a wallop.

Maybe I shouldn't say that. I do have plans. I am trying to start a business. It has some merit, the business. I believe I would enjoy doing it ... I believe people would pay for the service ... I just need for it to be wildly successful ... immediately. Not a tall order at all - right? If I could get my paws on four or five grand, I'd be laughing. (Well ... I could breathe, at least.) That would get us through the winter and get things up and running. 

Imagine ... such a paltry sum ... and I am miserable ... killing myself from the inside out. It makes me want to punch myself.

As it is, all I seem to be capable of doing IS punching myself (so to speak). I am wallowing ... in self loathing, self pity and fear. I smell like fear. Fear stinks, btw. It smells like stale girl sweat. It's grody. Maybe that is only because I have been using the old, ineffective deodorant - fished from the bowels of the bathroom closet. No ... I'm sticking with the fear concept. It is more dramatic.

...drama is my middle name. Danica Drama Dragonfly. Has a nice ring to it, no? I think I would prefer a little boredom though. Can I wish for boredom? Gawd knows everyone else MUST be getting bored of this crazy train by now.

I NEED to find my positive. I NEED to locate that feisty little bitch that never says die ... that never gives up ... that has survived lots of other crap and always managed to come out ... well ... perhaps not "on top" per se ... but firmly in the middle. 

I'm okay with that existence. I have spent a great deal of time railing against mediocrity ... but I'd trade my eye teeth for some of that right about now. Just being able to buy a full load of groceries would change my attitude a great deal, really. OH MY GAWD!!! SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

Okay ... I am going. Me and my infernal belly aching. ACK!

Friday, January 4, 2013

January 4, 2004

Originally hand written on loose leaf Jan 4, 04. My girl turned 10 yesterday evening at 8:24.

Doodle Bug;

Well here I am, doodle - on the one year anniversary of the day after your birth. This time last year, was the beginning of the most wonderful journey of my life. I remember every second of falling in love with you. You were so pink and round and perfect .. and I couldn't imagine loving anything so much as I did you at that moment in time. What I didn't know then, but am learning now is - I was barely scratching the surface. It is big and heavy and boundless, this love I feel for you. It lives all on its own and grows and changes with you every day.

We've had a big year. You've learned to sit up, stand up, eat solid food, walk ... run, dance, clap, wave and communicate. That is to say, you talk a mile a minute (not necessarily in a language Mommy and Daddy understand).You learn with such ferocity and determination. I am so proud of you every day. You love music and any of your toys that are noisy. You adore Gussy. He thinks you're alright, too. The two of you have become fast buddies. You tease him to stir him up ... once the bait is taken, the chase is on! You squeal and giggle and run - full tilt. He barks and chases you grabbing at your pant legs ... which you think is a riot, until he misses and grabs some skin by accident. You normally get over it faster than Mommy does. I get cross with Daddy sometimes because he lets you two play so rough. You love it, though.

Other favorite pastimes of yours include; mining in my plants, removing the screw tops off the water bottles (then tipping them), digging in the garbage, opening and closing the cupboard doors, turning the TV and computer on and off and on and off and on and off (you get the picture), flushing the toilet and being paraded around the house in your stroller. In fact, you and Dad have your own routine forged around these activities. It's rather amusing for me to watch. You're becoming quite the little lady with a plan.

Christmas was so much fun! You weren't overwhelmed at all. It was like you've been doing it for years. Your favorite gift was your kitty. You gave your "kiss of approval" to everything that you liked and then "flung" anything that displeased you. We had a really nice time - you, Daddy, Mommy, Aunit M, Aunti A, Gamma, Gussy and Olie.

You've been known by quite a few names this past year; Peanut, Puddin', Princess, Pumpkin, Doodle Bug, Bug, Baby girl, Precious, Boodaful, Beauty, Monkey-head, Boo, Demando, Naked Baby (to the rescue) ... and of late, The Doodle. You may well be less than impressed if any of these stick, but they (much like you) were borne of love. So keep that in the back of your mind while you're cursing us if any do.

You are starting to say words now. You speak your own language - fluently, but you are also picking up ours, as well. You say "Daddy" and what appears to be "thank you". You've also just started saying "kitty" and that's what you call Gus as you pat his head. I'm certain he is ultra impressed (being the cat lover he is).

Now that I am back in the land of the employed, I have a Doodle-shaped hole in my soul. I miss you so much it is physically painful. For the first three weeks I was back, I cried my way into the city every morning. It's starting to ease slightly now - it still sucks - but I only cry some days now. You've settled in well with Rita for your two afternoons, and she thinks the world of you. Everyone who meets you does. You're a special little soul - destined to take the world by storm, for sure.

Our relationship has already begun to change. You're so independent and such a "Daddy's girl". I guess that's alright ... it is, after all a great thing to be. It's a wonderful feeling  - watching someone you love, loving someone you love more than life itself. Love really DOES multiply. Who knew? I find the rate at which you are changing lately strikes panic in my chest! I guess maybe it's because I'm not with you all day every day anymore, that it's so pronounced. THAT is one seriously tough adjustment for this mama! There is a voice in my head that is frantically screaming "FREEZE! ... DON'T MOVE! ... LET MOMMY ADJUST! ... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - DON'T GROW UP WHILE I'M NOT WATCHING!" ..."please". (For the record, I am crying so hard as I write this, I can scarcely see the lines on the paper.) 

The scary thing for me is that I already know with some certainly that it will feel EXACTLY that way - that you grew up ... all at once ... over night ... while I slept ... and I missed it! So, I write this for me, too. Perhaps that way I'll realize that I didn't.

I suppose it just never mattered to me before - time zooming past. Maybe I figured I was going somewhere ... and the faster I got there, the better. Now, I'm the only place I have ever truly wanted to be and I just want everything to grind to a halt ... so I can savour every moment. Alas, life just doesn't work that way, and time marches on ... or in your case, it runs ... full tilt ... with a furry little black dog nipping at it's heels.

I love you so very much. I wish I could make each moment with you last a lifetime ... but at the same time, I can't wait for everything joyful you bring.

Happy Birthday my Beautiful Baby Girl!

I love you (to the tenth power)


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Where's the Ka-boom?

It's early.

I have been awake for a very long time.

I thought I would get up and enjoy the peace of morning in my home before school goes back in tomorrow and our morning is all pandemonium and drama. I realize that drama queens, such as myself, actually thrive on their drama ... but could I at least enjoy it once in a while? I'm so tired of drama.

Somebody told me recently that I needed to change my story, because nobody else would. She was so right. I hated that. It had an effect on me, though. I have been reading some interesting stuff about fear and the power of the self and positive self talk and such. Honestly, I have made some real progress (in some ways). There have been some big "a-ha" moments for me in the past few months. Really, my level of positive was rather noticeable to those around me.

Then, Christmas happened.

You know, I have to say something. There are a number of people in my sphere that truly dislike Christmas. I find it amusing that someone like me would have so many non-Christmas types in her close circle, but I think I may have figured it out. I might envy them a little... for actually being honest with themselves.

See, every year I start with the planning in like October. My house turns into what amounts to a Dr. Seuss crime scene. No, really. It looks like we are infested with "Who's" by the time I stop decorating. It's slightly unhealthy, really. I repeat this cycle every single year. It's big, it's shiny and there is nary a clear space on any wall, ceiling or window. I take the inside panes of glass out of my windows and lovingly spray fake snow on each of the squares in the grate ... then put the glass back on - so the resident fauna can't add their individual 'paw' prints. I string what has grown to be hundreds of cards along every ceiling line - up and down my halls, rooms, stairways and anything else that has space. I then criss-cross those tacky-assed sparkly foil thingies (I don't even know what they are called) back and forth across the centre parts of those same ceilings. I flip an entire set of dishes - glasses, mugs, salt/pepper shakers, spready knives ... you name it - to a Christmas motif. I put little gele-like stick-ups on any window surface that does not have spray snow ... you know the ones I mean ... your "Ho Ho Ho's" and snowflakes/tress and of course "Merry Christmas". This crap is on my bathroom mirrors, my back door ... it's everywhere. Then, there is the garland. There is green, fluffy garland stapled to every window ledge, door jam, railing, cupboard and even around the frames on the mirrors in the bathrooms.. yeah, the same ones that have the gele-like stick-ups already on them. Next, we have the lights. I stopped counting the extension cords once I hit 63. There are more than that. I simply lost interest, after wrapping up 63 of the little fuckers. I can not express to you how many places in this house are covered in lights. They hang like drapes in the windows, line the frames of windows, doors and above my kitchen cabinets. They wrap themselves up my banisters. Oh ... and they are on the trees. This year, I had 7. SEVEN TREES ... decorated in various themes and such. ALL lit up. I only bought one of them, btw. The rest I either own already or I made or found or whatever.) Next ... well next, let's discuss the Santa collection. I make it a point to NOT count my Santas (a bit of an accomplishment for one so anal as I). But when I tell you I have a butt-load of them ...I am not whistlin' Dixie. They.Are.Everywhere. I just did a quick memory count of wreaths ... I can remember 17. Not sure that I got 'em all... and nativity sets ... how is it possible that someone who questions the entire "Christian" premise, has a half dozen nativity scenes? Now, we move on to bows. I'm not naturally a "bow" person, but at Christmas, all taste flies out the window. There are red and silver bows EVERYWHERE. I attach them to my plants ... my curtains, my doors ... I tape them in intervals on my cabinets ... I put them on some of the trees. Even the animals wind up with them - though that never lasts long. Let me paint you a few pictures ...

Tree, house plant (with lights AND bows) and snow

My golden birch tree ... and some cards 

Garland and lights

Curtain lights & small tree

A small sampling of Santas

THIS is the first thing one would see when entering my home.

It is off the hook. I think there could be a disorder in this behavior. I don't stop inside, either. Nope. Hubs and I do it up fine style out of doors, too. I can't find those pics just now - count yourself spared.

I do this every year. I work myself into a lather decorating, baking, cooking, gifting, preparing, planning ... and then I forget to enjoy it. Or, perhaps more to the point, I am too bloody tired to enjoy it. 

Then ... oh and this is really the sickest part of the story ... once Christmas day passes, I want it GONE. Honestly, waiting until after boxing day is like telling my dog he can't have the piece of bacon I just sat in front of him ... for a week. I am generally frothing at the mouth by the morning of the 27th. It takes me 3 SOLID days to de-Christmas inside. Outside is much quicker as the decor for there is so much larger and comes down pretty fast, in most cases. But, mark me ... it comes down. Nothing bugs me more than Christmas lights staying up on a house for any great length of time after the holiday. You need to get that shit down by the end of Jan ... or I might just come to your house and do it for you. 

Today, I am still nursing a sore back, legs, arse, arms ... you name it. Every window in my house has been cleaned - due to the fact that crazy Christmas lady struck BEFORE cranky scrooge bitch moved back to town. Oh, and another cruel joke is that, invariably I start PMSing right after Christmas - for as long as I can remember - barring the two that I was preggers. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. Oh ... and even better - my oldest daughter is being pulled into my monthly cycle. Awesome - right? She hasn't actually started her periods as yet ... but the hormonal mine field that seems to attend this blessed event every 21 days has bestowed itself on my baby. Yesterday, we sounded like a pair of yappy little dogs whenever we were within 15 feet of each other.

My poor family. 

Sooo how does a husband deal with this kind of mania? Well ... mine (bless him) ... helps (or, he tries) ... as much as I will allow it (which really isn't much). Usually, I wind up chasing him out of it ... but he just goes off to another area and helps without my knowing - until he is finished. If I am semi-sane ... I am touched by it. If I am in neurotic crazy land ... I freak and re-do everything that he has just done.

You know ... I am likely raising two children that will either grow to hate this holiday or (possibly even worse) love/hate it like I do. THAT is a scary thought right there. I need to change. I do. I don't know how, though.

So, returning to my original thought ... which started off four hours ago ... I think I am a closet Christmas hater. It would seem I do everything within my power to make myself miserable ... and I dress it up like I'm all in. I don't want that to be the truth ... I really don't. It is hard to ignore the overwhelming evidence, though. Wouldn't you say?

Okay - so moving on ... I need a few things to happen today. 1) I need for my husband to be overrun by paying calls ... so that we can have some money rolling in by week's end (where upon, I can afford alcohol). 2) I need for this blasted period of mine to freaking START ALREADY ... which will release Stretch (not to mention ME) from the perilous jaws of "P"sycho "M"ommy "S"yndrome... and, 3) I need a plan for the birthday. It isn't too too much to ask, is it?

The good news in all of this is I just heard Hubs' phone ring for the first time in 9 days. He is on a call! Now, if that can continue to happen for the next few days ... we might just make it through until some more permanent plans can be put into place. Also, based on the immense pain I am currently experiencing, I think I may get my second wish, too. The birthday. That's a little tougher. I don't need copious amounts of cash to do that, but I need some food ... and a gift (or perhaps I can defer that action, too). Maybe I'll suggest pooling her cash to get something really cool ... like maybe the rock band kit for her Wii. Hmmm ... that might just work, you know. I found one on kijiji last night for $100. I don't have that, but with the $80 from her 2 Aunti's and a few bucks from us ... could happen - right? Yes. THAT might just be a plan.

Alrighty-roo ... just need for the calls to keep comin' in. 

Next, I need to get my business plan completed and my application for funding in ... so I can get my new business idea out of planning stage and into earning stage. I'll share more on that, later. But it's cool.

Okay. Breathe, Dani. It's going to be fine ... just like it always is. Left foot, right foot ... just keep looking at your feet if the horizon is too scary. 

We can do this. 

Don't forget to breathe.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

GAH! and GASP! and ARGH!

Yeah ... that really sums it up nicely. No real need to type anything else, right? Hmph - shows how little attention YOU pay over here.

So ... another Christmas has come and gone in the dragonfly household. By and large, it turned out pretty good. We had somewhat of a home-made Christmas. Hubs and I designed, built and decorated a doll house for Shorty (who is kissing 4', btw ... I may need to rename her soon). I ordered most of the furniture from ebay, but built the stuff for the master bedroom. It turned out pretty cool. It's a 48" tall and 36" wide, 3 bed, 1 bath house - with an aquarium in the living room, I might add. 

I was scared to death she wasn't going to love it. I think she may have picked up on that, because she made a REALLY big deal about how special it was all day Christmas day. By Boxing Day however, she had decided she had been ripped off in the gift dept ... there was nothing to play with except that doll house and she was bored with it already. *sighs* Oh well ... she is 7 - what did I expect? To clarify, there were plenty of other things to play with, but I understand where she was coming from ... it was a seriously lean gift haul this year.

I am including some photos of our workmanship ... feel free to praise me (it would appear I need that)

Look at the daisies in the window box ... how cute is that, right?

Yeah ... I am pleased. Mind you, I seem to be the one playing with it the most ... ack! Let's not go there.

We also made Stretch an art desk. 

She got a 3DS - which was her "big gift", but we had to make her something as well ... she's not a dolly kinda gal. 

This concludes the more positive portion of my writing today. Should you prefer to think of me in a happy place - where Christmas was all chocolate, gumdrop cake and lovely family time, I would suggest you get off the bus now.

I'll wait.

You know I'm going to complain now, right?

OMFG!!! My MOTHER! *sighs* ... *sighs again* ...

My mother says to me, as I am panicking over the whole "howtheholyhellamIgonnadoChristmasformykidsthisyearwithZEROmoney" conundrum - that she will contribute some of the stuff she's been buying for them to go toward "Santa". In and of itself, that is a lovely gesture. Unfortunately, NOTHING is judged based on its face value up in here anymore. EVERYTHING has a massive laundry list of bullshit attached to it where my mother is involved. It just can't be helped. For example, the 11 months that she lived here without contributing a fucking dime ... ANY of that money would have been spectacular. You know, so we could buy oil ... or food ... or pay for the past 6 months worth of power that we owe. 

So ... she had been shopping. A LOT. I'd love to pretend that didn't drive me stark raving mad, but I can't even type that without increasing my internal temperature ... which is, incidentally, the only real source of heat on in here tonight) She sent a big ol' package of crap to my sister in Whitehorse. She made a lovely Christmas for my sister that is here (and was here over the holiday). She even (against my wishes) purchased some things for Hubs and I. Not 7 pair of pantyhose like last year ... this year I got Tupperware and panties. The Tupperware came with a comment regarding the method in which I serve her meals to her in her apartment. Apparently, she would prefer if I could seal the meals up. You know ... for the nights when she doesn't come home, nor bother to call and TELL me she won't be requiring a meal that evening. You know ... because I LIVE to cook extra food ... just in case. (OH MY GAWD, the damage to this relationship has reached critical mass ... Ima  BLOW pretty soon!)

Anyhoo ... she offered to pay me her "rent" early in December. Even that statement makes me want to hurl venom at my screen ... pay me rent ... early ... p'uh! So, I collected my $400 - namely because I could not put food on the table for the foreseeable future without it. She made me go and ask her for it, too ... and made some crack about whether I would be okay later in the month without that money then. My response was that it hardly mattered ... if she wanted to eat something other than stale saltines and dill pickles for the next few days, I needed money. We had arranged to move our bi-weekly mortgage payment (one of two mortgages, I might add)  into January so that I would have $750.00 with which to "do" Christmas for the kids. I also had to provide meals for all of us ... plus my mother ... and as it turned out, my sister for four days. You know the meals I mean ... turkey, ham, big brekkies, desserts, snackies, booze. Do you know that neither one of them offered a fucking cent toward any of it? Mom bought the little cracker things ... you know, the stupid assed things that pop and there is a paper hat, a stupid joke and some cheap-assed piece of plastic shit toy (that I'm going to throw out while tidying up after supper) inside? Yeah ... she provided those. My sister had baked some cookies, cranberry loaf and fudge. It's still mostly all sitting in my fridge - nobody here likes any of that stuff, so it's really just going to go to waste. I wish she had just taken it home. See - these relationships are so poisoned now that I am incapable of being nice... like ... ever.

Not a dime. Neither of them.

Tonight, I made hot roast beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes and gravy (from one of the beautiful roasts that Amethyst Anne brought with her when she came to visit me on my 40th birthday ... yeah ... she brought me groceries ... not just roast(s), but hamburger and steaks ... from the polar opposite side of the second largest land mass on the planet ... seriously ... on a plane, for 8 hours ... in a cooler ... packed with her homemade perogies, to boot). I am now out of potatoes, rice, fries, pasta ... and pretty much anything else except frozen broccoli and meat. Hubs hasn't had a paying call since Christmas Eve day. I won't get EI again until next week and even then, it is all spoken for, due to the fact that we have to make up for the payment missed in early December, with our regular payment. Awesome. We are FLAT broke ... like on our faces broke. I am scared. We have already stopped one payment and will have to do the same with another tomorrow. I am stressed out ... like personality splitting sort of stressed ... 

I am not sharing this because I want anyone to offer me money. I'm just giving this heads up because I will implode if any one of you lovely people (and some of you are just off the hook generous of spirit ... and other things) offer me any money. I really will. So.Please.Don't. I am sharing it so that you can tell the police why I went fucking postal and committed such a heinous crime ...

I'm kidding. I only fantasize about it.

No, I am telling you so you will understand why I LOST MY SHIT TODAY. 

Back to meal time ... Mom came over to eat and I noticed that she had her hair done recently. Like yesterday. Done. Cut, colored and styled. It's an easy $100 appointment. I was sitting across the table from her, fretting about what I am going to feed any of these people for supper tomorrow night, when I noticed. I believe there was an audible 'ka-boom' that sprang forth from my ear canal (had anyone cared to listen for it). She then launched into 20 questions regarding Stretch's birthday (which is in 3 days, btw ... her 10th). I do not yet have a gift, as I was unable to do so prior to the other holiday. I managed to talk her into having a sleep over instead of a party, but honestly I do not have a clue how I'm going to pull that shit off. So, Mom is hammering me with questions about what to do for Stretch for gifts ... she tells me that my sisters have both allotted cash to her care, with which to provide said gifts. Then, she wanted to know when the big family dinner was going to take place ... you know, the one where my mother, sister and her boyfriend come out here and eat my food, drink my booze and eat the cake that I requisition for whatever special occasion is on deck - except that I have no food, booze or cake. I looked across the table and basically said as much. Then, I had a little bit of a "poor us" tirade (which has not made me feel one iota better) and got up and went to clean up after dinner. 

My mother left shortly thereafter (as the tension coming off me was beyond palpable) and then all hell broke loose. I had me a class A, knock 'em down, shoot 'em out tantrum. All.Over.The.Kitchen... and then the bathroom ... and the stairwell. It ended with me in a puddle of tears, while re-making Stretch's bed (which had been recently pissed in by one of my cats). You know ... it is honestly amazing there has been no bloodshed here this week.

A normal, well adjusted human being would simply have said (and likely eons ago) in a sane and calm way that they required some cash contribution for the holiday meals. Would simply have stated that there needed to be a larger contribution from the various parasites other dwellers of the home going forward. That winter was upon us and expenses were up, while incomes were dwindling, and the hard cold fact of the matter is that NOBODY can live for $400 per month - with a minimum of one hot meal per day, along with power, cable, internet and heat (well ... while it all remains turned on ... that is subject to changes fairly soon, I'm thinking) included - anywhere in this province. NOBODY! So, get off your ass and ante up ... or trip the fuck out! I have rented that place in the past for $550 and NOT had to feed the occupants. I would perhaps not be so venomous if I wasn't watching her spend money like it was going right out of style for the past 2 months. Or perhaps if we were not dragging ourselves through another winter ... on our faces ... by our eyelashes.

I think I have broken something inside my head ... it is leaking again.

I really want to bludgeon something.

My wish upon a star right now would be that we could sell this albatross of a house and be able to get the hell out of hell. It kills me to think I am going to lose ... after everything we have suffered through these past 5 years ... to lose now would seriously suck - especially since we worked so hard, flipping houses & sacrificing things like vacations and such just to GET here. But, I swear it ... I would even consider renting for a year or so just to get out from underneath of this ... and away from my mother. I really don't know if the relationship is salvageable ... but I guaranty that it doesn't have a chance as long as we keep doing THIS!

Geez ... aren't I just a merry little ray of sunshine? Happy freakin' New Year, right? Does it help to know that I am PMSing like crazy? No? Oh well.