The Thorny, Misshapen Chunk of Awful that's Stuck in my Throat
I am dreadful. B y that, I mean I am full of dread. I picture it as black smoke. Curling up and around my stomach. Under my ribs and circling my heart. It finishes in a double knot around my throat. This smoke has the power to constrict... like a snake. I see it in my mind's eye. Squeezing the life out of me. I can't get food past it. I feel like I'm gasping for oxygen. Is this how it feels when your heart truly breaks? I never thought I would ever experience something so wrong with my relationship. It truthfully is the ONLY thing I have ever had going for me. I was even a little cocky about it sometimes. But now... I can't seem to make any peace with it. I haven't felt this insecure... ever! My mind is so full of noise. Confirmation of my awful-ness. From the only person I've ever been truly accepted by. My best friend. My partner and protector with whom, I've weathered terrible storms again and again... but those storms were external ...