Platitude Paradise

My dreams are being haunted. Every night, I have a visit from my stepfather... then my ex... the one who's name is never spoken.  That one. These dreams are so life like... I have to remind myself they didn't really happen. It's actually jarring. These are not happy dreams. They are too realistic to be happy. I feel like I am being asked to do battle with these ghosts. Like I have to prove something to them. ...and I got nuthin'. I'm stuck in the molasses of my life like a fly in amber. This 'condition' of mine has worsened this year. I had no 'up' at all during this past Summer.  None.  Yet, I am dipping.  I'm moody. I'm angry. Ragey driving is rearing its ugly head. I came home from work this afternoon, mad before I walked in the door, where I was met with a messy house; Dishwasher full of clean dishes. Two loads of laundry to be folded. Counter and both sinks full of dirty dishes. I had to deal wi...

It's title is "Numb". I'm hoping it will just stay unpublished like so many other aimless posts. Yes, you read that right: There are some posts too inane for even me to put up here. As an update to my current sitch, let me get to the facts in point form: I survived my Annual Golf Tournament without getting drugged. Yay me! The Summer never provided my manic swing... boo. Kept me in line, though. Fall is kicking my ass. The kids are good. Thank you, Universe. My dog is sick and I am scared out of my mind. My current job is nearing an end. It's time for me to get a grown up job now. A recruitment firm contacted me last night about my resume... which I posted on a job-site this week. It's for an unposted job with a government funded Board of Directors. It would pay nearly double what I am currently making, and would provide things like benefits and pension. I am holding my breath to see if I get an interview. It's a 'personality...

I feel like my dial is set to 'Turbo-Bitch' this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm not acting out or anything... well not much, anyway. It's like wearing your birthday suit inside out. That's the best way I can think to describe it. All the tender little bits of me are exposed and raw. The outside world is like a shower of splinters in my eyes. EVERYTHING grates my nerves. My boss. My kids. Traffic. My spouse. Breathing.  It all annoys the living shit outta me right now. There are things about which, I should be worried... don't get me wrong. Heating season looms. Our Trustees are displeased with us and all up in our jiggies at present. They want more money every month... we don't have it... the saga continues. I am holding my breath... The 'internal revenue' department has set its sights upon us for random 'fuck you' tactics. Unemployment filings from four years ago... GST over payments from three years ago...

If I was a brave heart, I would send you this message. Yes , what you pulled the other night at our event was a dick move. Yes , my feelings are hurt... and yes , it seemed awfully god damned pointed, in the moment. So much so, that our treasurer... a guy that doesn't do feelings - said something to you about it. I know I said it didn't bother me... but it did. It does.  Please don't misunderstand. I am grateful I instead, spent a romantic evening with my husband by the water, rather than patronizing some dive in downtown red-neck-fisher-town, with you and your groupies.  No... my night was much nicer... and it ended in wild-ass hotel sex. So... no contest. It's just the way you ditched me. In a bitch-snit about nothing... and your excuse was, I didn't answer your text... on the phone that I had left in my room... to go downtown with you in the first place!  I found myself later wondering if perhaps I had been getting attention you deem...

Been a while since I last posted.  It's been a rather busy time, what with my husband's niece, brother, sister-in-law and sister all landing at our place within a three week span. I'm quite tired, but I rescind my original objection to the company staying with us. All in all, it was a very positive experience.  My children made me proud. I suspect I made my husband proud. I was the 'hostess with the mostest' during their visits. My brother-in-law pulled me aside and told me I had "a beautiful home"... to which I started to make some self depricating comment... and he said: "I'm not talking about the wood! I'm talking about the home you have built... there is so much love here".  I could cry just typing that. My kids were amazing.  They stayed around and interacted with everyone. They were funny. They demonstrated their free-thinking opinions and spoke intelligently. They showed off their individual art...

Summer is coming on very slowly for me, in more ways than one, this year. The weather has been less than seasonal so far. I mean, it's the last day of June and I am puttering around my house in a sweatshirt and long pants. It really isn't acting like Summer. My mood is having the same un-seasonality. Yes, that is my very own term. Un-seasonality; n . Behaving in an abnormal fashion based on time of year. See: Bi-polar swing. I'm starting to understand the dramatic references made in the media about people with this disorder railing against their meds. They are helpful to me to counteract the lows... and I can get a whole lot worse than I've been, without them... but when the up-swing fails to arrive on schedule... you really have to weigh the pros and cons of medicating.  I should be just about at the top of my roller coaster right about now... full of energy and projects and badness... and I got nuthin'. I could easily lie down right now and go to ...

This has been a toughy of a week. I did not go to work this morning because I could barely lift my head off my pillow, it hurt that bad. It was everything I had not to cut it off myself just to stop the pain. I'm assuming my head is the result of a highly stressful week with my eldest child... who is to no longer be referred to as female... or male. "They" are/is (fucked if I know) non-binary. Also, I am not to refer to "them" as previously being female, either. This was the bomb dropped upon my arrival home on Tuesday afternoon. I said every possible wrong thing you can imagine. Or at least a whole bunch of wrong things... but at first I just kept my mouth shut. Apparently my body language was saying something of offense prior to my verbally confirming it. The other one chimed in upon one of my first "wrong things" said... and my response to her was: "I don't recall asking for your opinion". That sent her storming o...