Platitude Paradise

  I am dreadful. B y that, I mean I am full of dread. I picture it as black smoke.   Curling up and around my stomach. Under my ribs and circling my heart. It finishes in a double knot around my throat.  This smoke has the power to constrict... like a snake.  I see it in my mind's eye.  Squeezing the life out of me.  I can't get food past it.  I feel like I'm gasping for oxygen. Is this how it feels when your heart truly breaks? I never thought I would ever experience something so wrong with my relationship. It truthfully is the ONLY thing I have ever had going for me. I was even a little cocky about it sometimes. But now... I can't seem to make any peace with it. I haven't felt this insecure... ever! My mind is so full of noise.  Confirmation of my awful-ness. From the only person I've ever been truly accepted by. My best friend. My partner and protector with whom, I've weathered terrible storms again and again... but those storms were external ...

(Written Nov 29, 2022 ~ Still relevant... picking up July 20, 2023)  It's been a while.  I mean... I've typed out a whole bunch of words... over and over again... but I've been so stuck.  I had a meeting with one of the executives I support in my current position this morning. She was telling me that she's leaving the company.  She's an amazing woman. Her credentials and education are so far beyond impressive, I can't even describe... but today, she said that she was going to take a beat before moving into a new role... and spend some time with her kids.  She has two and they're young.  Her comment was that (I'm never going to get the wording right on this) she isn't the 'kind of mom that I am'. That she isn't 'there' to put them to bed and she isn't 'involved' in their day to day like I am. That her mother recently reminded her of the fact that they grow up... 'with or without you'.  I have a great deal of res...

  I know that I have made so many mistakes. I know this. I openly admit to them... but COME ON! Karla Holmoka didn't serve this much time! I've just gone from being ecstatic on Friday night about a job offer that was to come this week, to crying into my lap today because my prospective employer viewed my credit bureau. I tried to explain what happened. They humoured me... but in the end, they rescinded their offer.  This would have been a good job. A high paying job. A game changer for us. Seriously. Unfortunately, according to a privately owned credit reporting service, I am a certified dirt-bag that can never be trusted again. Ever. It didn't matter why any of it happened, only that it happened. It feels like I will never stop being punished.  I get why I can't obtain credit, but landing a job that would literally change my life? I really don't understand why they even have to know. I've never ever been suspected of anything illegal or untoward. In fact, I h...

We are in uncharted seas these days. Everyone who is obedient is terrified and everyone else is behaving like spoiled children. I have been working mostly from home, with the odd (pretty much weekly) trip into the empty office to deal with mail in and mail out and gather documentation for our accountant. To my knowledge, my job is not currently in jeopardy. I can only hope that continues as we march slowly through the days, weeks and months of social distancing and isolation. Honestly, much of this is no great change for me. I have distanced myself from most everyone quite completely already. If it wasn't for the fear that I experience every time I go to the grocery store, or each time my husband comes home from working out there in 'cootie-ville', I likely wouldn't notice much change at all... except maybe my overall mood. It started many months ago... before Christmas even came. My gumption was absent from my daily routine. It has continued to deterio...

Have you ever rested so much on one thing that, if that one thing doesn't pan out, you're gonna be dusted? I have. I am, in fact. I have a doctor's appointment today from which I need a small miracle... in the form of a pill. To be clear, at this point I do not give a flying fuck what that pill even is... just so long as it brings back my drive... my life force... my will to even be alive.  I have experienced this in the past and gotten relief... even if it wasn't immediate... it still came. I am so lost inside the minutia of life right now, I don't have a clue which end is up and which is down. I'm tumbling through existence at the moment like an asteroid through space... hurtling toward the great expanse of nothingness.  Lately, I can't deal.  Like with anything. My oldest is getting to be quite an expert on sucking every last molecule of oxygen out of a room. I sincerely can't breathe when she is (or I guess to be ...

I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year. I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes.  The house is decorated. The shopping is nearing an end. My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care.  I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual. I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch. I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel that much excitement this year.  I'm just numb. Work isn't helping. It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do.  It wears me out... not having any purpose.  Drains my spirit. It's likely past time for me to move on... I just...