Platitude Paradise

I find myself sitting in awe of just how vile my employer actually is... and this time I mean the financial institution from whom I receive my pay. Or not.   To catch up, our consumer proposal had to be withdrawn because Revenue Canada is refusing to settle my 2013 taxes. You know the one where I don't owe $15K. Yeah ... that's the one.    Anyway, to put a positive spin, we can re-file once this all settles. It sucks we couldn't get it behind us, but it certainly could be worse.   I am off on medical leave. I have gotten bad enough that I really can't handle that office. I am simply awaiting treatment. Not trying to screw anyone ... just want treatment. I tried my EAP. They couldn't help. I tried the insurance company that provides my benefits, they couldn't help. Both would cover a psychologist, but neither would do psychiatry. I am stuck with MSI.   Unfortunately, MSI has limitations and ... very ... long ... wait ......

It's true... and sometimes it even works.   People think I am a bit of a "Prima Donna" based solely on my outward appearance ... but that hasn't been the case for quite a long time.   The last three years of my life have taught me some very tough lessons and revealed things to me I would simply rather not know about myself, my short-comings and foibles. They have shown me basement after basement, which seem infinitely endless ... though simple mathematics tells me I will hit the last one before much longer. I suspect that will be a hospital bed at the local psychiatric hospital for me ... assuming I could even get in ... and for my family? I couldn't say. Living on somebody's couch? In our truck? It is really the only thing left that we own that hasn't been taken away.    Since 2013, we have lost two businesses, our house and my mind. After 15 years of renovating and flipping houses - all through my two daughters' childhoods, I will add - ...

Ever had one of those days where you imagine yourself walking into a cement wall again, and again, and again ... c'mon - don't lie. I know you know what I'm talking about. My day began much the same as most others ... with me schmucking the sleep button roughly 4 times too many (and at 7 minutes per pop - I started at a 28 minute deficit) ... then off to the shower. Once clean, I set about the spackle & paint job that I recreate every morning and then off to work. My commute is roughly 25 minutes at a conservative 10kms over posted ... I may have pushed the envelope on that this am. Recently, Narcissus (my boss man) decided to give me (or rather allow me to use) a company vehicle in lieu of a raise (... for the past 5 years of my devoted servitude). Now, I suppose the concept was not without merit. Having a vehicle paid for isn't all bad ... and you come off fairly good where taxes, etc are concerned. However, the style of vehicle becomes crucial in this equa...

There simply must be an explanation forthcoming. Mustn't there?  Or would it really matter if we knew? Would it change anything? Are we an experiment of some vastly supreme being? Or a play thing? Sustenance? Hosts? Utterly undetected, they sidle up beside us and take us unaware. It isn't difficult to imagine these creatures into existence. They are everywhere ... always - a mere disturbance in the air that seeps into our flesh, nesting inside our soul - gorging on our emotion.  Some take us gently. The benevolent iteration leads us to our own spiritual nourishment. They guide us through our life long education and teach us how to survive. They thrive on our confidence, wisdom, generosity of spirit and love. They sustain their existence with our overflow, never taking more than they give. Drawn to the positivity we put forth in our world, they flock to us when we are bursting with happiness, goodwill and joy.  Some, however, stalk us like pre...

I'm going to share a little secret with you.   Something people may not know about me.   You know ... because I am so 'discrete'.   Here you have it ... I hate realtors.   Hate. Them.   No ... REALLY. I mean it.   So for the back story ...   It all started about 6 years ago. Really this has been building since then. It was the decision that has now defined our daughters' childhood... and not so much in the good way.   I got it into my stupid little head that we should buy a house with an in-law suite so that my mom could move in with us when she retired.   ... yadda, yadda, yadda, six years later we are about to be foreclosed upon by not one but two lenders ...   Oh ... and I yadda'd a bankruptcy, a trip through social services, two job losses, a business failure and very nearly, the end of my relationship with my mother.   It boggles my mind how this has played out. Honestly, I'm si...

Dec 31st 2013 ... I submit for your approval, a new drink proposal: "The Twenty Thirteeni" (or should it be: "Thirtini"?) ... anyway, the drink needs to go down smooth, pack a monster of a punch and leave you with permanent brain damage when it's over ... something like absinthe, vodka, Kahlua and milk ... over crushed ice. Bitch will mess you up. Just like Twenty Thirteen.  Mess. You. Up. I'm sitting in my rec room, beside the roaring fire in my wood stove. My children are at ease enough to be tearing each other new assholes every 49 seconds ... my husband is playing with Shorty's new tablet ... we had a decent meal ... the de-Christmas-ing has been completed ... it was good.  We survived ... and I'm not only referring to the holiday season. *wipes brow* We had help. Mom really came through with a bunch of extras that we simply could not do. It was good. I feel like crap about it, but it was good. Really, w hen I lay out t...

I woke to a full fledged panic attack this morning. They're always fun, right? Especially when they happen only ten minutes before you have to wake the children. The cranky-assed, tension-sensing, guilt factories ... to whom you gave birth. I went back to bed after I put the girls on the bus.  Avoidance. When I finally got up, it was after eleven. I know - right? This could be the beginning of another sad, sad story ... but it isn't.  Something slid into place inside my brain today. I got on the phone before I was half way through my first coffee and by the time I finished my third, I had talked to a couple of good contacts ... each with thoughts and suggestions as to my future employment. I also discussed the possibility of downsizing our truck and maybe picking up a 2nd beater car. We need to be ready to be mobile. We're both looking outside of the house for work.  I opened a door today. I need to open another, tomorrow. Tomorrow...