Platitude Paradise

 Lately, all I see on social media and the internet in general, is ads for "Nervous System Dysregulation". It's meant to sell you some sort of app for your phone... and very likely is a clever way to dig even further into the collective minds of the general population - or at minimum, the general population of women. I'm not sure if men get the same ads. I feel like that elevator speech (read ads) would be geared more to what the male populous experiences as an affront to their pride, sense of entitlement or general opinions about what they deserve. I'm certain this sounds a tad stilted and maybe even a little mean or unwarranted in all cases... and I can certainly concede that not every man on the planet is geared the same way. I can only speak what I experience. I can only experience things from my own perspective... and I can easily appreciate my perspective is at best skewed and at worst unsalvageable in the current iteration of my existence. My husband is car...

  I am dreadful. B y that, I mean I am full of dread. I picture it as black smoke.   Curling up and around my stomach. Under my ribs and circling my heart. It finishes in a double knot around my throat.  This smoke has the power to constrict... like a snake.  I see it in my mind's eye.  Squeezing the life out of me.  I can't get food past it.  I feel like I'm gasping for oxygen. Is this how it feels when your heart truly breaks? I never thought I would ever experience something so wrong with my relationship. It truthfully is the ONLY thing I have ever had going for me. I was even a little cocky about it sometimes. But now... I can't seem to make any peace with it. I haven't felt this insecure... ever! My mind is so full of noise.  Confirmation of my awful-ness. From the only person I've ever been truly accepted by. My best friend. My partner and protector with whom, I've weathered terrible storms again and again... but those storms were external ...

(Written Nov 29, 2022 ~ Still relevant... picking up July 20, 2023)  It's been a while.  I mean... I've typed out a whole bunch of words... over and over again... but I've been so stuck.  I had a meeting with one of the executives I support in my current position this morning. She was telling me that she's leaving the company.  She's an amazing woman. Her credentials and education are so far beyond impressive, I can't even describe... but today, she said that she was going to take a beat before moving into a new role... and spend some time with her kids.  She has two and they're young.  Her comment was that (I'm never going to get the wording right on this) she isn't the 'kind of mom that I am'. That she isn't 'there' to put them to bed and she isn't 'involved' in their day to day like I am. That her mother recently reminded her of the fact that they grow up... 'with or without you'.  I have a great deal of res...

  I know that I have made so many mistakes. I know this. I openly admit to them... but COME ON! Karla Holmoka didn't serve this much time! I've just gone from being ecstatic on Friday night about a job offer that was to come this week, to crying into my lap today because my prospective employer viewed my credit bureau. I tried to explain what happened. They humoured me... but in the end, they rescinded their offer.  This would have been a good job. A high paying job. A game changer for us. Seriously. Unfortunately, according to a privately owned credit reporting service, I am a certified dirt-bag that can never be trusted again. Ever. It didn't matter why any of it happened, only that it happened. It feels like I will never stop being punished.  I get why I can't obtain credit, but landing a job that would literally change my life? I really don't understand why they even have to know. I've never ever been suspected of anything illegal or untoward. In fact, I h...

We are in uncharted seas these days. Everyone who is obedient is terrified and everyone else is behaving like spoiled children. I have been working mostly from home, with the odd (pretty much weekly) trip into the empty office to deal with mail in and mail out and gather documentation for our accountant. To my knowledge, my job is not currently in jeopardy. I can only hope that continues as we march slowly through the days, weeks and months of social distancing and isolation. Honestly, much of this is no great change for me. I have distanced myself from most everyone quite completely already. If it wasn't for the fear that I experience every time I go to the grocery store, or each time my husband comes home from working out there in 'cootie-ville', I likely wouldn't notice much change at all... except maybe my overall mood. It started many months ago... before Christmas even came. My gumption was absent from my daily routine. It has continued to deterio...

Have you ever rested so much on one thing that, if that one thing doesn't pan out, you're gonna be dusted? I have. I am, in fact. I have a doctor's appointment today from which I need a small miracle... in the form of a pill. To be clear, at this point I do not give a flying fuck what that pill even is... just so long as it brings back my drive... my life force... my will to even be alive.  I have experienced this in the past and gotten relief... even if it wasn't immediate... it still came. I am so lost inside the minutia of life right now, I don't have a clue which end is up and which is down. I'm tumbling through existence at the moment like an asteroid through space... hurtling toward the great expanse of nothingness.  Lately, I can't deal.  Like with anything. My oldest is getting to be quite an expert on sucking every last molecule of oxygen out of a room. I sincerely can't breathe when she is (or I guess to be ...

I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year. I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes.  The house is decorated. The shopping is nearing an end. My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care.  I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual. I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch. I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel that much excitement this year.  I'm just numb. Work isn't helping. It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do.  It wears me out... not having any purpose.  Drains my spirit. It's likely past time for me to move on... I just...

That's how it sounds in my head tonight. All the thoughts in my head vying for an audience. My ears are literally ringing right now with the sussurus that is going on in there. All of it is negative. Every thought and even the half thoughts - all negative. And mean, too. I should've gone to parent teacher for Stretch tonight. I can easily supply a half dozen reasons why I didn't go, but all that matters is that I didn't. I should've. It's been a challenging time for me of late. My downward trend continues and Mental Health is not falling over itself to bail me out, either. Still no word on a referral back to my psychiatrist. One who has already treated me... one who likely would only need to talk to me on the phone for fifteen minutes and could solve my problem... but it's been three weeks already and still no word. I'm struggling. My energy is zapped. My libido is unconscious. I know this is a chemical thing. I know it can be fixed... ...

Yesterday was my birthday... my forty-seventh birthday. I find myself so depressed today, I just want to sit here and sob. What the hell is the big deal, anyway? Why do I feel this way?  Is it because birthdays are a marker? A measuring stick that we stand up against our lives so we can judge where we are vs. where we should be? If I was to give the birthday pep-talk to someone I cared about, I would say something like: "Birthdays are a celebration of the day that you came into existence and should be filled with all the love everyone has for you." Either I don't care about myself, or I don't buy my own bullshit, because birthdays blow once you reach a certain age... like maybe sixteen. I think sixteen was the last of my happy birthdays. My birthday blew... and sucked.  My husband was away, but he texted me a rousing "Happy dirty day, hun"... which was a spell-check gone wrong. My mother and two sisters texted me happy birt...

My dreams are being haunted. Every night, I have a visit from my stepfather... then my ex... the one who's name is never spoken.  That one. These dreams are so life like... I have to remind myself they didn't really happen. It's actually jarring. These are not happy dreams. They are too realistic to be happy. I feel like I am being asked to do battle with these ghosts. Like I have to prove something to them. ...and I got nuthin'. I'm stuck in the molasses of my life like a fly in amber. This 'condition' of mine has worsened this year. I had no 'up' at all during this past Summer.  None.  Yet, I am dipping.  I'm moody. I'm angry. Ragey driving is rearing its ugly head. I came home from work this afternoon, mad before I walked in the door, where I was met with a messy house; Dishwasher full of clean dishes. Two loads of laundry to be folded. Counter and both sinks full of dirty dishes. I had to deal wi...

It's title is "Numb". I'm hoping it will just stay unpublished like so many other aimless posts. Yes, you read that right: There are some posts too inane for even me to put up here. As an update to my current sitch, let me get to the facts in point form: I survived my Annual Golf Tournament without getting drugged. Yay me! The Summer never provided my manic swing... boo. Kept me in line, though. Fall is kicking my ass. The kids are good. Thank you, Universe. My dog is sick and I am scared out of my mind. My current job is nearing an end. It's time for me to get a grown up job now. A recruitment firm contacted me last night about my resume... which I posted on a job-site this week. It's for an unposted job with a government funded Board of Directors. It would pay nearly double what I am currently making, and would provide things like benefits and pension. I am holding my breath to see if I get an interview. It's a 'personality...

I feel like my dial is set to 'Turbo-Bitch' this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm not acting out or anything... well not much, anyway. It's like wearing your birthday suit inside out. That's the best way I can think to describe it. All the tender little bits of me are exposed and raw. The outside world is like a shower of splinters in my eyes. EVERYTHING grates my nerves. My boss. My kids. Traffic. My spouse. Breathing.  It all annoys the living shit outta me right now. There are things about which, I should be worried... don't get me wrong. Heating season looms. Our Trustees are displeased with us and all up in our jiggies at present. They want more money every month... we don't have it... the saga continues. I am holding my breath... The 'internal revenue' department has set its sights upon us for random 'fuck you' tactics. Unemployment filings from four years ago... GST over payments from three years ago...

If I was a brave heart, I would send you this message. Yes , what you pulled the other night at our event was a dick move. Yes , my feelings are hurt... and yes , it seemed awfully god damned pointed, in the moment. So much so, that our treasurer... a guy that doesn't do feelings - said something to you about it. I know I said it didn't bother me... but it did. It does.  Please don't misunderstand. I am grateful I instead, spent a romantic evening with my husband by the water, rather than patronizing some dive in downtown red-neck-fisher-town, with you and your groupies.  No... my night was much nicer... and it ended in wild-ass hotel sex. So... no contest. It's just the way you ditched me. In a bitch-snit about nothing... and your excuse was, I didn't answer your text... on the phone that I had left in my room... to go downtown with you in the first place!  I found myself later wondering if perhaps I had been getting attention you deem...

Been a while since I last posted.  It's been a rather busy time, what with my husband's niece, brother, sister-in-law and sister all landing at our place within a three week span. I'm quite tired, but I rescind my original objection to the company staying with us. All in all, it was a very positive experience.  My children made me proud. I suspect I made my husband proud. I was the 'hostess with the mostest' during their visits. My brother-in-law pulled me aside and told me I had "a beautiful home"... to which I started to make some self depricating comment... and he said: "I'm not talking about the wood! I'm talking about the home you have built... there is so much love here".  I could cry just typing that. My kids were amazing.  They stayed around and interacted with everyone. They were funny. They demonstrated their free-thinking opinions and spoke intelligently. They showed off their individual art...

Summer is coming on very slowly for me, in more ways than one, this year. The weather has been less than seasonal so far. I mean, it's the last day of June and I am puttering around my house in a sweatshirt and long pants. It really isn't acting like Summer. My mood is having the same un-seasonality. Yes, that is my very own term. Un-seasonality; n . Behaving in an abnormal fashion based on time of year. See: Bi-polar swing. I'm starting to understand the dramatic references made in the media about people with this disorder railing against their meds. They are helpful to me to counteract the lows... and I can get a whole lot worse than I've been, without them... but when the up-swing fails to arrive on schedule... you really have to weigh the pros and cons of medicating.  I should be just about at the top of my roller coaster right about now... full of energy and projects and badness... and I got nuthin'. I could easily lie down right now and go to ...

This has been a toughy of a week. I did not go to work this morning because I could barely lift my head off my pillow, it hurt that bad. It was everything I had not to cut it off myself just to stop the pain. I'm assuming my head is the result of a highly stressful week with my eldest child... who is to no longer be referred to as female... or male. "They" are/is (fucked if I know) non-binary. Also, I am not to refer to "them" as previously being female, either. This was the bomb dropped upon my arrival home on Tuesday afternoon. I said every possible wrong thing you can imagine. Or at least a whole bunch of wrong things... but at first I just kept my mouth shut. Apparently my body language was saying something of offense prior to my verbally confirming it. The other one chimed in upon one of my first "wrong things" said... and my response to her was: "I don't recall asking for your opinion". That sent her storming o...

So... on the up side, there is no clot, blockage or tumor in my brain. That's a relief. The down side of this news is that I still have a wicked headache... and the reason for it remains a mystery.  I don't really know what comes next. I don't want to be taking more pills... I'm pilled out. Acupuncture, chiropractic, massage... diet. I really have no idea where to go, now. I'm worried my weekend is going to be ruined by this god-forsaken thing! We are going away on Saturday and I'm gonna be pissed if my head gets in the way of my night. We have an evening cruise planned and a nice dinner... and then there's having no kids around... barm-chicka barm-barm. I've taken Friday off to get the house stuff done and groceries in the house. I'm looking forward to the long weekend. My job has been somewhat on the stale side of late. On that note, I applied for the job. I really have no idea if I'll even get a read, but I would b...

It's an enemy of happiness for me. I'm stagnant. Stuck. Moldy. Today, I decided to dust off my resume... there is a job... I think I am qualified to do this job. It would be a very good move for me... it's part time... and it's an Executive Director position. I find I'm reluctant to change anything right now as I feel too stupid to do anything at all at present, but maybe that very reluctance is what is holding me back. Maybe that is the problem I should be tackling. Today is the first day that my head hasn't been bringing me to my knees. I don't know how long it will last, but I feel as though I must make hay while the sun shines, so to speak. I frustrate the hell out of myself. I'm the fucking poster child of wasted potential. I'm smart, but uneducated. Talented, but unmotivated. I can sing, but don't. I can write, but I don't. I'm a talented teacher, but don't teach. Have a mind fo...